Amber Night (rebooted)

Didja hear that Wonder Woman got a makeover? Well she did, and militant feminista Nikki Finke does not like what men with penises has done to her!

DC Comics announced that, starting today, Wonder Woman “will appear like you’ve never seen her before”. And I wish they’d just left her alone, especially since she’s the only comic book character female I’ve ever admired. Of course, it took a bunch of men to ruin her.

Yeah, stupid MEN! Just because they want to masturbate to cartoons, they changed Wonder Woman’s modest and professional image from this:

 
to this:

 
You misogynistic bastards. What’s next? Shall we dress Betty Crocker in a burka so young, sweaty teenage cooks can wank off to her silhouette? Yes, leave it to a bunch of men to take one of the most ridiculous and (ironically) comically clothed super heroes (and I’m including “Monkey Woman” from Season 1 of Who wants to be a superhero? for fuck’s sake) since basically forever, and give her a more realistic and dignified costume so that she might just appeal to a broader audience than just horny adolescents from 1979.

Anyway, good on you DC Comics. And hey Nikki Finke, you may not like the new look, but you have man artist Jim Lee to thank for turning her into more than just a male masturbatory fantasy. And hey, I’ll bet she still has a nice ass.

Hey remember that Denny Crane guy? Well true fact, America’s Meryl Streep IS NOT EVEN AMERICAN! He is Canadian, and even though he doesn’t look French, Facebook demands that he be appointed by the Queen of Canada to become the new Emperor of Klondikistan or maybe just a Governor or sled dog catcher, who even knows how these Europeans do things amiright?

“It’s time for Canada to boldly go where no country has gone before,” notes a nearly 10,000-strong Facebook fan page that supports the idea.

Ahahaha, man I bet that whole “boldly go” thing NEVER gets old.

There is a consensus that a good governor general should be dignified and authoritative, but must also possess common sense and humility.

Yes. Because when I think “dignified” and “humility,” the first person that comes to mind is William Shatner. On the upside, we still have Jean Luc Picard who could still totally kick Captain Kirk’s ass even from his wheelchair.

Oh hey guess what, that behemoth kitschy statue that I only just recently heard of, “Touchdown Jesus”, outlived Gary Coleman, but not by much.

Hey here’s a pop quiz. Let’s say you’re going to make a giant statue with two very large pointy protrusions sticking 62 feet up in the air. What are you going to construct it out of?

The statue was constructed of wood and styrofoam over a steel framework that was anchored in concrete and covered with a fiberglass mat and resin exterior, according to the church.

Ah. So basically you’re going to make the most highly flammable lightning rod in the whole Western fucking hemisphere. I see. So what, a couple hundred 50-gallon drums of jet fuel stuffed up inside his head just a little too over the top for ya?

Anyway, I learned about this by reading one of my newest favorite blogs, Blag Hag. And like “Blag Hag” (if that really is her name!) I wondered what the spin would be on this one. You know, Katrina happened because God hates teh gheys, earthquakes happened because God hates boobies, the flood happened because God hates unicorns, that kind of thing. And one of her readers did not disappoint!

wow.. so many different views.. but I keep thinking, that once again God has sent Jesus to protect us. I live only a few miles from Solid Rock Church. There are also all kinds of hotels, and hospitals surrounding the area. Jesus took the beating so his people wouldn’t have to…. once again. Praise God.

Which, if true, means that God is an asshole to the nth degree. As I understand, God was gonna hit a hospital or a hotel with lightning because that’s how the fuck God rolls. But not so fast GOD!! Touchdown Jesus INTERCEPTS the lightning bolt, he’s at the 40, he’s at the 30, HE’S AT THE 20, HE’S AT THE 10, TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!! OMG HE’S ON FIRE!!!! JESUS CHRIST–LITERALLY!!!–IS ON FIRE OMG OMG OMG!!!!! That’s right folks, thanks to the good folks at whatever the hell that church was that spent $500,000 on a stupid fucking fiberglass, styrafoam, and resin lightning rod instead of, you know, maybe feeding starving circus clowns or something, God the all powerful was denied the opportunity to kill sick or traveling people. Thank you Smoldering Jesus. Tell your dad he’s a dick when you get back up to heaven.

Remember Constance McMillen? She’s the Mississippi high school senior who was banned from her school’s prom because she is gay. And when the school was forced to let her attend, her fellow classmates (aided by parents of her classmates) sent her to a fake prom, along with 2 disabled students because hell why not.

Well now it gets interesting.

The Westboro Baptist Church–these are the “God Hates Fags” trolls who do stupid shit like protest the funerals of soldiers–will protest her high school graduation.

Ok, that’s not the interesting part. It would be interesting if the “God Hates Fags” assholes DIDN’T plan to make fools of themselves by picketing a high school graduation. It’s only droll to see idiots doing idiotic things.

The interesting part will be this: how will Constance’s classmates handle the protest? It’s one thing to hate through exclusion and petty bullshit Facebook games, but it is another to stand side-by-side with slathering hatemongers for all the world to see. Will they simply stand quietly in their shame, unable to quite bring their hate to its natural conclusion? Or will they embrace their Westboro brothers and sisters in arms, happily reveling in a kindred orgy of hate and slavish ignorance?

I’m guessing the former. Hate is all fine and dandy until it stares you in the face waving picket signs and uttering spittle-laced profanities that even the depth of your own imagination hasn’t ever managed to plumb. I like to think this will be a true moment of reckoning for at least some of Constance’s classmates, and that they will look into that abyss, the abyss will look back at them, and they will think to themselves “fuck you abyss, just fuck you.” I like to think that, but honestly I think it’ll just be a day of awkward discomfort followed by a lifetime of the same old justifications to be evil and ignorant.

If you head on over to ThinkGeek, you can get liquified scrapings of the inside of William Shatner’s thighs. ON CLEARANCE!!!

These concoctions comes in two…flavors?? Let’s call them flavors. There’s Tiberius for him, which will deliver a flying body kick of the Shatmusk straight into her cerebral cortex before she can whisper so much as a passionate “khaaaannn.” Her body will be with you, but her soul will be with William Shatner. (see photo)

And then there’s Pon Farr for her, which is Star Trek elvish for “hey it’s been seven years, let’s fuck after you kill your best friend!!!” And then you’ll catch a whiff of those sandalwood and mulberry pheromones, and it’s all over but the shirt ripping and, yes, more flying body kicks.

Next up!

Bones: Now with actual femurs!

Worf: Smells like ass. BAD ASS.

Picard: Me. Hot. Earl Gray. (still a work in progress…)

…but no, it’s just been a very busy week.  The 3 or 4 of you who are still here, feel free to murmur amongst yourselves.

Back when Lord British forgot where he parked his moon buggy and it turned out it was on the goddamned moon, I was pretty darned happy to know I wasn’t the only person who’d ever been that blond in a parking garage.  But you know how when you park at, say, Dillards and because of the very fact that your car is sitting on some planet–any planet really–you are entitled to claim said planet as your own because you are so goddamned unhinged that revolving doors go “damn, that dude’s unhinged”? Well SAME THING!

Richard Garriott who is more famous as his ulta-ego Lord British, splashed out some cash and bought a Russian luna rover.

Garriott purchased the former Soviet Union’s Luna 21 lander and the Lunokhod 2 rover for $68,000 at a Sotheby’s space auction in 1993.

Now he is trying to work out determine if owning these devices on the moon entitles him to ownership of the property it rests on.

See losers, this is why Richard Garriott is rich and you are not. Whereas mere mortals like you and I would be satisfied with owning some piece of Russian space shit on the moon, Lord British will just take his moon Lada AND the whole fucking moon AND your kidneys if you really want something to whine about maybe next time when I tell you to play Tabula Rasa you will the hell do it now won’t you yeah that’s what I thought.

What other kinds of crazy shit will Richard Garriott do with his newly acquired moon property?

He told Space.com that he’s willing to allow future space travellers to pay a parking fee on his property.

Hear that NASA?  You’ve got about 30 days to get your Apollo crap off Planet Garriott, or crazy “ol’ man Garriott” is going to shoot you with his space Uzi.

Extremist layabout Mike Vanderboegh is really kind of pissed off about that whole health care thing, and wants you to go out and throw stuff at windows, because he can’t really be bothered to do it himself:

“So, if you wish to send a message that Pelosi and her party cannot fail to hear, break their windows,” Vanderboegh wrote on a blog called Sipsey Street Irregulars. “Break them NOW. Break them and run to break again. Break them under cover of night. Break them in broad daylight. Break them and await arrest in willful, principled civil disobedience. Break them with rocks. Break them with slingshots. Break them with baseball bats. But BREAK THEM.”

But this is the money shot:

There is often a darkly comical aspect to these sinister fringe figures. While Vanderboegh claims to be a militant “libertarian,” a tribune of the oppressed white middle class, and a student of Friedrich von Hayek, he appears to be an ordinary welfare case. Claiming to be too ill for gainful employment, he apparently spends most of his time stirring up violence, with a nice federal subsidy.

According to the Post, he lives off his wife, who works at a forklift company — and also gets a monthly disability check from our “Marxist” federal government.

Oh, his blog is here. I’m hoping he wants to trade links! *crosses fingers*

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Starship Captain lawyer and airline ticket huckster Denny Crane has a really good idea! Remember that whole “social media web 2.0″ thing all the kids are doing with the twatting and the facebooking? Oh and once upon a time when we all had Apple ][e’s and printed our porn on dot matrix printers (really?!?!) there was this thing called MySpace but I think I deleted it off my floppy disk or something does anyone still have a copy with cheat codes?!?!?!

Anyway Denny Crane just cold invented social media…IN SPACE!!!!!!

Now you can space chat, space email, space instant space message, space cosplay, space update your space status (mood: space angry!), and space hookup IN SPACE!!!

Haha! Just kidding because you will be too busy trying to figure out why you are just a lowly fucking redshirt and can’t do anything except get killed on the away team:

Q: Why can’t I start my own Group?

A: There are only 12 authorized Groups on Myouterspace.com, which are the 6 Planets and the 6 Starships. During Registration you already picked a Group to be a member of when you selected Citizenship on a Planet.

Q: Why can’t I begin my own Blog?

A: Starship Captains and Planet Governors are the only Users allowed to generate content through the use of the Blogging Feature. They use Blogging as a way to display News and Site information, not as a communication tool. If you would like to expand your profile information in lieu of Blogging, please do so!

Q: How do I become a member of a Starship’s Crew?

A: The only way that you can become a Crewmember of a Starship is if the Starship Captain selects you. The Starships are going to consist of only those who are working on its final project, and if your talent stands out enough on your planet, you may be selected to work with a Starship Team!

But if you are (Admiral!!) William Shatner, it’s fucking cool because you get to be in charge of space people again without Romulan-sympathizer dickhead Leonard Nimoy stealing the director’s chair out from under you. And Wil Decker doesn’t think you’re sorry, not one damned bit!