Amber Night (rebooted)

Well now evil corporate villain “E*Trade” (IF THAT REALLY IS HIS NAME!!!) is DAMAGING THE LINDSAY LOHAN BRAND and is all like “thanks for inventing that word ‘Lindsay Lohan,’ Lindsay Lohan, now we’re going to make a DNA-replica clone baby and take over the world, thanks for inventing a cool name for it, don’t mind if we do!!!”

Lindsay Lohan wants $100 million from E*TRADE — because she believes their “milkaholic” baby featured in their Super Bowl commercial was modeled after her … and as far as Lindsay’s concerned, the smoking gun is all in the name.
…
The commercial features a baby named Lindsay — who in the spot, is accused of being the “other woman” in a baby love triangle.
…
Lohan’s lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, tells TMZ it doesn’t matter that the commercial doesn’t mention the name Lohan, adding, “Do you know the name Oprah? Do you know the name Madonna? Same thing.”

SAME THING!!! Do you hear that Charlie the Tuna? Charlie sheen is going to eat your lunch! (haha, seriously, Charlie Sheen luvs him some tuna melt!)

In the immortal words of Cleveland Brown, “that’s just nasty.”

A Kentucky woman was charged with assault after she allegedly squirted breast milk into the face of a deputy, sparking online debate Sunday in the local media.

Toni Tramel, 31, was arrested Thursday for public intoxication in Owensboro, WYMT-TV reported, but it is what she did next which has attracted headlines.

As Tramel changed into an inmate uniform, she squirted a stream of breast into the face of the female deputy watching over her.

A press release from the Daviess County, Kentucky, Detention Center, said that after the deputy decontaminated herself from the “bio-hazard”, Tramel was charged with third degree assault.

Wake up sheeple!!!!! This is stem cell therapy under Obamacare!!!!

They’re fixed now. i can haz viagras spam nao?

In my metioric rise to the top of Technorati’s “Personal Development” blogs, here are just some of the blogs I left in the dust:

- Healthy Living Tips, Nutrition And Healthy Living Guide
- Diary of a Martial Artist
- HealthMoneySuccess dot com
- Pajama Professional
- ZenChill Power Tools Blog
- The Confidence Guy
- The Happy Burro

Amber’s self-help book, “How Vomit-caked is your parachute?” is on sale now at Amazon.

Socialist Nigerian kidney thief spammer so-called “President” (as IF!) Barrack “Obama”¹ is apparently very healthy, which is a very dickish thing for him to do because he is also “growing orchards” (this is stoner code for “marijuana,” try to keep up old people!) right there in America’s oval office which he then “tokes on” while perching his dirty hippy feet up on America’s first desk as if he were the dirty hippy king of the desk world or something sheesh!

Which has what to do with gaming you ask?  Fuck all, really.  I’m just trying to avoid playing Star Trek Online.  I mean, it’s fun.  I guess.  I’m just not really experiencing the wonder around every corner like I did in LoTRO, the WAAAAAAGGH (sp?) in Warhammer, the wow² in WOW,  the massive nipple overload in Age of Conan (everything has nipples–the swords have nipples!!! THE GODDAMN SWORDS HAVE NIPPLES!!), or the complete bewilderment at how anybody thought this was a good idea in The Matrix Online.  I am, in fact, completely apathetic towards this game.  I honestly can’t pick out a single thing I don’t like, and maybe it gets better, but…meh.

Oh and also this:

Melissa Morris didn’t realize the graphic nature of her son’s new video game, “Dante’s Inferno.”

“I didn’t know anything about it, he said he wanted it, so I got it.”

Because, you know, what little Yale (seriously, his name is Yale) wants, little Yale gets, and then mom and little Yale (SERIOUSLY THAT IS THE FUCK HIS NAME!) get to express outrage and horror to some Channel 42 bimb…her name is Shanisty Myers? Seriously? Okay then, little Yale and his mom–let’s just call her Incontoneta Asspickenowski–express horror and outrage at their purchase of a game about hell and blood and violance, to Channel 42 wunder-journalist Shanisty Myers, because it contains graphical depictions of hell and blood and violence.

Anyway, nothing…NOTHING AT ALL…would have tipped this woman off to the fact that there might have been a wee bit o mature content. Oh, except maybe…

…the big ‘ol “18″ right there in big red letters, or the fact that it takes place in hell (read a book lady!) or even the fact that there’s A BIG BADASS WITH A BIG FUCKING SCYTHE WHICH HAS A HANDLE MADE OUT OF VERTEBRAE!!!?!?!

I dunno…too subtle? Maybe the Dante’s Inferno aisle at Best Buy should have been surrounded by a moat of boiling blood and guarded by syphilitic Harpy beasts armed with big-ass vertebrae scythes or swords with nipples or something.

Learned lesson says mom:

“Parents need to read the back of the package especially if they are buying for anyone under 17.”

D’ya think?

Maybe she should go out and buy Star Trek Online for her son. It has tribbles!

§

¹Who is conveniently using a fake birth certificate and military ID, supplied of course by high school dropout and 7-11 loiterer Joe “Cheech” Biden, the stoner who also supplies all the 3.2% beer for Obama’s every-morning quote “Beer Summit” unquote.

²As in, “wow! I cannot believe THIS is the most popular MMO in the universe.

Did you know Australia have discovered the printing press?   Thank you very much Persia for trading them Alphabet for–Aesthetics?!?!–are you kidding me? Why don’t you just give up right now?  Aesthetics. Pfff. So okay, crap, in addition to really big knives, Fosters, and Yahoo Serious, Australia has newspapers now also I guess. Which maybe is a short hop to Animal Husbandry? I dunno, I’d have to look it up.

Anyway, one such Queen’s Taux-Authouritiy-authourised Nouse Papere (digital even, crikey will nothing stop their counter-clockwise march to Space Flight?!?!!) reports that some down-under Christian group (fuck!!! they have Polytheism now, STOP IT BYZANTIUM JUST STOP IT!!!!!) are likening the video game industry to tobacco companies.

[Australian Christian Lobby (ACL)] Managing Director Jim Wallace said there is overwhelming evidence linking violent video games and aggression. Research also shows that violent computer games, because of their interactive nature, have a higher impact on their players than similar film content has on its viewers.

“At a time of strong public disquiet about depictions of violence in the media, the continued rejection of the R18+ rating for games would maintain the primacy of protecting vulnerable young people, as a principle in public policy above that of allowing people to read, hear and see whatever objectionable material they want,” the ACL stated in a submission to the Attorney-General’s Department opposing the introduction of an R18+ classification for computer games.

Zzzzzrnghhuh?? Oh right, so basically by “continued rejection of the R18+ rating for games,” what they really mean is “pouring millions of dollars into research and development efforts into distilling and enhancing the effects of a lethal carcinogen.”

Stupid Australian Christian Lobby, they make me SO MAD!!!

Oh. Except that while the headline screams “Gaming industry mirrors ‘big tobacco’ in denial of violent gaming effects,” and the writer begins the article with how game companies are using tactics “reminiscent of the tactics of tobacco companies,” the article never actually quotes Mr. Wallace as having used the tobacco industry analogy. Which means this really isn’t so much a news story as an editorial being passed off as news by one Glynis Quinlan, which I’m pretty sure is somebody’s EQ2 character or cosplay name or something because it would be a totally awesome name for a Bard.

Stupid 8th Level EQ2 Bard Glynis Quinlan. l2p.

Turns out “transparent government” is boring as shit. *yawn*

Space Monster Richard Garriott demonstrates prostate is 'this big!', circa 2008

Hey remember that Lord British guy who bought the Soviet Union so he could go to space because, well…fuck, SPACE amiright!!!??  Besides that and living in a Lego castle, he was also responsible for the incredibly well-received disastrous Tabula Rasa, which is Latin for Seinfeld because it was an MMO about nothing ha! (ziiiiing!!) But seriously, the mutant radioactive brain of Richard Garriott cannot be stopped with our earth weapons:

It should come as no surprise to anyone that Richard Garriott isn’t a man content to rest on his laurels. Just after we hear that the documentary about his space trip is coming out, we now hear that he’s found a new niche in the multi-player gaming industry. Only this time, he’s not developing a traditional MMO as one might suspect. Instead, Garriott has revealed his involvement in a start-up called Portalarium, which is setting out to get a chunk of that browser-based social game cash floating around on Facebook and other social media networks.

Maybe it’s the Saurian Tribble brandy that he’s been quaffing to excess to ease the painful itching of the space herpes, or maybe…well I’m just gonna go with the space herpes, but…Portalarium?  Portalarium? Richard Garriott’s new company apparently makes fiberglass toilets for RV’s or construction sites or…Роскосмос? (it all makes sense now!)

Anyway, congratulations to Richard Garriott for not “resting on his laurels” and instead resting on the laurels of about sixty-seven million other startups who think that “revolutionizing the game industry” means cloning Farmville but with hobos. Resistance is useless puny earthlings. All your base are belong to that Ultima guy.

Hey, remember that angry tax hero dude who killed himself and others because wtf taxes suck!!!??  Well now you can BE HIM!

From Prisonplanet.com:

In the game users must obtain a can of gasoline, burn a house, then pilot a single-engine airplane into an IRS building. Upon successful completion, the game declares: “Justice is Served!” Along the way, if players manage to hit a malfunctioning Toyota Prius, they are rewarded with the “Auto Recall” medal.

Haha! Stupid Joe “Sixpack” Stack (there is a Trig Palin joke in here somewhere, I just know it!) flew his 1/75th scale Boeing 747 into a tax building thus killing himself and people who are not selfish asshole douchebags, but all he really had to do was wait a couple days for this game, which has worse graphics but is less irl deathy.

Also hey!! The Toyota Prius is a deathtrap just like…Trig Palin?? No, still not there. I’ll work on this and get back to you.

(But welcome first-time “Trig Palin Joe Stack Toyota Prius douchebag” Google Alerts viewers!)

But you can help!