Hoping to end it all right there, I even ate the prawns
I am sitting in my office happily geeking out on my latest research project when my boss walks in. Long story short, the boss “requests” that I go to lunch with LLPOF, so I can work out my problems with him. The boss is not coming with us–that's not how he rolls. He likes his people to work things out themselves. He likes to avoid conflict or any appearance that he may actually be doing his job.
The thought of spending a meal with LLPOF is nightmarish. As it turns out, it was even worse.
For starters, LLPOF insists on driving, and I am too demoralized to care. Big mistake. LLPOF drives this van thing. Not like a minivan, but like a van van. I don't know anything about vehicles, but I think it was some kind of GMC van…thing. Inside the van LLPOF has customized the trim, proudly announcing that he did it all himself. It's all finished wood, and it looks like it was expertly cut to fit a completely different make and model. Scattered throughout the van are voluminous piles of fast food bags, wrappers, and condiment packets. It smells…like ass. It is all I can do to bring myself to climb up into this van and touch the crafted-by-love-and-a-machete door handle to close it. The windows are automatic so I have to wait until LLPOF starts the engine to roll my window down. Fortunately this happens before I black out.
He didn't say, but my guess is that LLPOF learned to drive in Nicaragua. You may have heard of the famed “California stop.” LLPOF has a little trick I think could be called “the Nicaraguan blow-the-fuck-through-the-intersection.” That's where you don't so much come to a full stop as you sort of hover your foot over the brake in a symbolic nod to that intangible and elusive concept of stopiness, to which an octagonal red sign can only provide the most brief and ethereal of glimpses. Bonus points for an optical prescription that is 15 years out of date. The Nicaraguan rules of the road are strict but fair.
Lunch was at a little Chinese buffet I'm fond of, and so the eating part at least was nice. The conversation part…not so much. I won't bore you with the details, save to say that LLPOF has a management degree and is not afraid to wield it like some kind of +2 Scimitar of Bloaty Self Important Pointy-hair-speakedness. We spoke of visions, we spoke of values, we spoke of aligning said visions and values. We spoke of where the thinking is to go in relation to the ever present but despised box. We mostly spoke of how much I need to re-orient my attitude, and very little, only towards the end of the meal, about how exactly LLPOF could improve, align, and implement his “shut-the-hell-uppedness.”
The drive back was as awkward as it was terrifying.
February 22nd, 2006 at 7:44 am
Mmmmm… Can't say that I have had a boss so dickless as to try to force two co-workers to get along. As a private industry worker I am obligated to blame this on the fact that it is a government job (it is a government job, right?). I would love to hear more about this job and LLPOF, unless you have some amusing DAoC RP-server anecdotes.
February 22nd, 2006 at 8:45 am
Amusing post. You are at your best when you write about your personal/professional life, which would make a decent sitcom pilot (please don't take that as an insult).
February 22nd, 2006 at 12:09 pm
said it b4, ill say it again. you are one whiny bitch. boohoo cant take critisism on ur blog and you cant take it at work. is there anything that makes you happy besides runnin ur mouth?
February 22nd, 2006 at 12:26 pm
Ya, I can't take non-work-related criticism from mentally challenged coworkers either. My revenge is (during the exit interview) to tell Human Resources they are the reason I am leaving the company. Next stop for them: eight hours of diversity training. \o/
February 24th, 2006 at 8:17 am
Something's been bothering me about this post. The last I heard, you were exchanging “pleasantries” on Valentine's Day with LLPOF. Although the scene was tinted with animosity, I didn't feel that the incident was anything more than a conversation between two coworkers who have nothing in common. Suddenly in the next frame, things are so bad that your boss has insisted that you have a lunch meeting to resolve your differences. What other events could have occurred in the meantime to progress the mutual antagonism to a point where it is impacting productivity?