Men In Games
Let's face facts. Men in gaming has been something of an oddity for most of the history of the hobby. Man-gaming, as it exists today, is nothing more than a fan-grrrl dream, a nod to political correctness that says we must somehow acknowledge their presence or be frowned on by the legions of crazed hominists who demand to be taken seriously, yet refuse to put the serious effort into the skills that it takes to be a recognized world champion. Seriously, can you name a single eSport International Global Champion? Neither can I! The evidence of such a beast is as fleeting as the grainy and suspicious photos of Yeti or Loch Ness monsters. I submit to you that there has, in fact, never been a single eSport International Global Champion. It's logic, see?
Presented for your consideration: One Reginald “F3arHamm3R” Leibowitz, 2-time eSport Pacific Timezone champion and Employee of the Month (October 2005) at the Santa Monica Jack In the Box:
Reggie got game, of this you can be sure. Whether his impressive array of gaming skills are derived from his magical Head Band of Thor (winning eBay bid of $139.55 came with genuine certificate of authenticity), his Gene Simmons-like temperature-sensing tongue, or simply through hours of practice, we may never know. But the question must be asked: Is he, in fact, a Man? I'll probably come under some fire for this, but as much as you think it's cute that people like Reggie like to believe they are Man-gamers, he can hardly be called a Man.
This is a Man:
Reggie wishes he had the mighty guns to wield dual wicked-ass war hammers, glistening pecs which are regulated by the Federal Aviation Administration because, when constricted, they generate sonic booms, and abs so hard they are literally classified by the National Institute of Standards and Technology as a type of flesh alloy, but the sad truth is that he and all the other boys who make up 90% of all eSports simply lack the willpower and discipline to improve themselves. These Man-gamer wannabes would rather work on their hand-eye coordination, improving their Counterstrike skills, and buying various hardware and software from companies who sponsor those oh-so-sexy girl-gamers–who we hate.
No, they can't actually compete with Men, and no, I don't care that I'm one of those “oppressive women” putting down those “poor boys.” All they seem to be doing is keeping themselves down by using their ability to game for hours a day instead of turning themselves into something we want them to be. These “gamepad eunuchs” keep all-Men clans from truly breaking into the multi-hundred-thousand dollar industry that is the global eSport phenomenon. Now certainly I'm not saying that all boys who are not Men are disgusting little trolls who smell of Doritos and Mountain Dew, but I am implying it. Wink wink, nudge nudge. Real-Man professional gaming will never come of age
as long as boys like Reggie continue to whore for rankings and prizes.
There are, or course, exceptions to most rules, and so I present to you the only real Man Gamer. Don't be fooled by the calm exterior. The man wields battle axes like nun chucks. He is not only the current International eSport Global Champion, he took the title by quite literally ripping the spines out of other contestants and feasting on their still-beating hearts. Even as I write this, I am swooning.
April 12th, 2006 at 4:58 pm
Oh jesus, now you've done it. He'll be talking about this for YEARS. “That's right, I'm the ONLY MANGAMER.”
April 12th, 2006 at 6:39 pm
That's right, baby! That's what you get for posting your picture on the Internet. Although, that picture of Scott holding a gun and a flag would have made a nice image, too.
Anyway, here's my modeling head shot.
It screams “Sexy”, don't it? Feel free to call!
Anyway, on a slightly more serious note, I'm a bit tired of the whole “girl gamers aren't real!” stuff going around. I think it's pure stupidity, myself, and getting way more attention than it deserves. One of the most important lessons in game design is that *people* game. Trying to design a “girl's game” or a “boy's game” misses the point, and limits your audience.
That's all I gotta say.
Have fun,
April 13th, 2006 at 12:10 am
Suddenly I'm feeling in-adequate.
April 13th, 2006 at 6:34 am
It's a contradiction and a curse unfortunately
We gamers who attempt to game and remain real MEN find that the gaming experience unfortunately transforms us. From the Adonis Axe Wielding FAA monitored uber heroes that we once were to mere blubulous shadows of our former selves. I present for you the horror of the Munty Flumple! :
Notice those vacant skill-less eyes. Instantly distracted by anything that moves and goes bang.
And three hambashing fingers on each hand, because who needs ten accurate tendrils when a mouse only takes two and we bash all the keys at the same time? “We tpye liek dis, fer da pwng!”
Finally I draw you to the true horror… weeks of caffeine induced psychosis and monitor radiation transmorph our MANLY figures into the shape that has come to be known as… the BLUMP!
I'm sorry to say Amber you may soon be right. Someday soon the only MAN gamer remaining will be gone. And you will be left with, the MUNTYS!
April 13th, 2006 at 8:54 am
Holy frak! That's how I started out!
April 13th, 2006 at 2:39 pm
Who lays the smack-down? Amber does, hell yes.
I can't think of any better way to deal with the “omg grrl gamer” controversy than what you just wrote.
Except for the fact that you fed Green's ego. That was inexcusable. ;D
April 18th, 2006 at 11:30 pm
nice writeup.. read it after reading kim roms blog(s) on female gamers.
ranting a little further.. i've always wondered about the psychological impact of being an attractive woman. i mean, most men will drool over you, do anything for you, idolise you - for no other reason than being attractive. others (men AND women) will despise you, insult you, try to tear you down - for no other reason than being attractive. it would be a bizarre situation, social acceptance running in hot and cold extremes.
i can see youre both passionate about the subject and both have some valid points.
while i'm not a gamer anymore, i did play a hell of a lot of counter-strike from 1999 to 2000.. so i sorta know a *little* about the topic..
male gamers really are like prepubescent boys. and are essentially the reason i stopped playing online games. i really couldn't bear the mentally retarded bullshit spouting from the chat window. i know, i know, i should have just ignored it.. but i couldn't. anyone whos played CS knows theres not much avoiding the chat window when youre dead waiting for the next round. honestly, sometimes i wished there was a way to turn the chat window off so i wouldn't get drawn into it. (maybe there is these days?)
oh, i did attend 1 or 2 large public lans.. and that smell you mentioned? a LOT worse than doritos and mountain dew.. enough geeks in one room and the aroma (much like a filthy public toilet) is almost enough to knock you out.
this certainly doesnt represent all male gamers, just as kims article doesnt represent all females.
this is a socialogical debate going on, not a debate on computer games or sponsors of players. the problem here is stereotypes.. but… stereotypes exist for a reason, and they are correct more often than not.
stereotype - the average male gamer is an immature 12-30 year old virgin, overweight, with bad personal hygiene.
sure, while i know there are many players not in this category, enjoying interests outside of the virtual including an active lifestyle and sexlife, the stereotype correctly represents the majority.
i can't really comment on female gamers. i've NEVER known a single one - honestly the fact that they exist is news to me. don't get me wrong, it's not bad news.. it's welcome news.. well.. kinda indifferent news really. but OF COURSE an attractive woman is going to get attention. that's true of all women the world over, not just female gamers.
i dunno.. i think youve both got valid opinions. but yours gave me a chance to rant about the pathetic examples of the human race that make up a lot of computer gamers
now that's GOTTA mess with your mind.