Amber Night

One that won’t keep me up all day.

I haven’t talked about LLPOF for awhile, but occasionally I feel the need to belittle someone else to boost my own sagging ego, so here goes.

One
of my co-workers (we’ll call him Bob) is in the process of adopting. I of course have never been through this process, but have intuited that, much like the biological method of acquiring tax deductions, it is a time of anxiety, sensitivity, and uncertainty. Add to this the adoption process, which seems to be roughly analogous to receiving a lobotomy by committee over Teamspeak. Expectant parents, adoptive or otherwise, are eager to share their experiences and hopes, but they can also be (understandably) a bit sensitive. I assumed this was common knowledge.

At a department function on Friday, LLPOF asks Bob this question:

Oh yes he did.

During the deafening silence that followed, a chorus of angels suddenly appeared before me in a flash of light, their golden trumpets blaring, their big poofy-ass dove wings spread into an imposing backdrop, their halos haloing–that sort of crap. As I gazed upon this demonstration of holy divinity, one of their number, whom I shall call Gabriel because that’s what his “Hello my name is…” sticker said, raised his mighty Sword of Truthiness high above his head, and verily brought it down upon my soft little skull.

The heavenly vision faded quickly, but Gabe’s sword left imprinted upon my mortal brain this single thought:

I need a new job.

Working in an environment where you continually have to be embarrassed for the behavior of one of your team members will do that I suppose.

That afternoon I began my divine mission, my holy obligation if you will, by perusing Craigslist. This was not a big help unless you consider the ad for work on an “exploited” video. The upside is that it pays $200 for an hour of work, but Christ I’d have to drive to San Jose, and no money is worth driving through that kind of traffic. Then there’s the escort service route which apparently pays $1,500-$2,000 per night. But I suspect it requires heels, so that’s out too.

Some jobs I think I could do:

Superhero. I don’t have any super powers, I’m not real flexible, and I don’t know any martial arts, how to use a sword, shurakin, or poison darts. It’s possible that I can jump a building in a single bound, but I really can’t be bothered to try. I can blog though, and if the pen is mightier than the sword, then surely the keyboard must be mightier than the adamantium claw. Central Californians, have no fear. You are now under the protection of The Yellow Poncho of Justice. Except San Jose. I am not fucking driving through that shit.

Crocodile Hunter. Crikey mate, g’day billabong didgeridoo Fosters! I think I’d look pretty good in khaki shorts and a pith helmet. As long as I didn’t have to crawl in the muck, dive into slimy water, touch reptiles or get up too early or stay up too late, I’d make a bonzer Croc Hunter. Maybe I could just do shows at the Animal Planet pavilion at Universal Studios or something. Without reptiles. Maybe somebody could just pay me to watch the show.

Conscience Angel. You know, the one that sits on your shoulder telling you to leave a bigger tip, or not kill the hobo? I have a lot of experience with this, being that my normal angel is laying in a gutter somewhere, strung out on Pop Rocks and Diet Pepsi. He rarely shows up for work anymore except to make a scene, so it’s up to me to pick up the slack. A lot of hobos had to die before I figured it out, but I think I’m starting to get the hang of it.

Sony Online Entertainment Customer Support. Haha, just kidding. There’s no such thing.

Motivational Speaker. How cool would it be to stand in a hotel ballroom in front of a couple hundred people so desperate to find meaning in their life that they each paid a couple hundred simoleans to listen to me hand out life advice tips such as “bring a poncho with you when visiting San Francisco in the spring,” and “generalizing the entire player base of World of Warcraft as ‘dicks’ may not, in fact, endear you to said player base.”

Maybe I’ll go the entrepreneurial route. I could adopt a bunch of crack babies (I hear they’re cheaper) to work in my Blogger action figure sweatshop. The Amber action figure would include accessories such as a yellow poncho, Powerbook, and pith helmet. Other action figures…there would be no other action figures because I’m so vain I probably think this blog is about me.

This entry was posted on Monday, April 17th, 2006 at 2:23 pm and is filed under Amber's Brain, Main Page. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.