Amber Night

Soon to be a major motion picture.

I‘ve been writing my autobiography. It’s an exciting project, and I plan to publish it in about 15 years. Why wait so long? I figure it’s going to take at least that long for the exciting adventures I write about to actually happen. See, I’m a pretty organized person, so I figure if I write it all out first then it’s just a simple matter of making it happen. So as a treat to you early adopters who will someday say “I remember Amber before she was Mrs. Toby McGuire,” I present some selections from Amber Night: Oh No She Didn’t!

~

Although I was acquitted of the hobo killing spree, on advice of my freaking awesome lawyers I can’t really can’t say one way or the other if justice was served. But I will say that in my own little way I think I’ve made railroad yards just a little safer for everyone.
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It was shortly after my third virgin birth that mom and I finally had “the talk.” The followup discussion with my apostles was awkward.
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My cheongsam was soaked with sweat and the blood of my enemies, and yet it seemed one of them had lived to sound the alarm. Sloppy Amber, very sloppy. I called on the spirits of my breath to be calm, and returned Shining-Death-Turtle to her scabbard. I could hear the footsteps of the guards, but Turtle’s thirst for crimson life was satiated for now, and so I did not press him further. The door burst open, and I kicked the first guard in the throat. He dropped as the stone from the eagle’s claw. The second was faster, blocked my punch, and grabbed my wrist before I could recover. I struggled a moment, but his grip overpowered me.

“You will pay for the death of my friends,” he said, his voice oddly out of sync with his lip movements.

Drunken Master spoke to me from beyond: The bear is mighty with the claw, yet is confounded by the wile of the fox. I made a mental note to provide an offering to Master’s ancestors at a more opportune time. To the guard I cried in fabricated pain, pressing my body to his.

“Y-you’re hurting me,” I whispered into his ear.

He looked suspicious at first, but upon seeing my carefully produced tears said “I’m sorry–”

The ruse worked. He relaxed his grip ever so slightly. Just enough so that I could pull free, break his jaw with a well-placed elbow, and, using the spinning serpent variation of Midnight Dragon Blow, killed him even before he knew he was dead. Drunken Master had taught me the variation before his betrayal at Xinjiang Province, I thought bitterly. As I grabbed the brown bag which was my target, the dead man came to terms with his death, bowed, and lay down quietly.

More footsteps. Too many, the Ladybug spirit warned. I ran across the office, leaped in the manner of the foot-first tiger, and crashed through the plate glass window to the manicured lawn two stories below. I looked back to see Eater-of-Shadows standing at the broken window, shaking his fist at me and cursing my family. We would meet again, but not tonight.

Half an hour later I was miles away. Mythic never invited me back, and to this day I think Sanya is still upset at the theft of her lunch.
·
My friends and family were concerned, but could do nothing about my spiraling descent into self-destruction. It finally caught up to me when I went to work for Sony. I spent my time binge drinking, free-basing the shit they gave customer service, and doing lines of blow off John Smedley’s ass. I’d hang out in the developer bullpen, alternately weeping and giggling, selling loose joints, and saying things like “how fucked up would it be if we did this?” and then I’d launch into something you’d never in a million years do to a game. And then they’d do it because they were pretty fucked up too and it was funny. Anyway, that’s how the “New Game Experience, seriously we’re not kidding this time” patch came about in EQ2.
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I don’t think it was until our 2nd season that Yellow Poncho of Justice really hit its stride. I was a little unhappy at first with the casting decision of Lisa Loeb as Amber/YPoJ, but her soulful acoustic solos during the “YPoJ is captured and held in a dank dungeon” segment of every episode really added dimension to the character. The “A-Team” reunion episode proved to be a bigger hit than anyone could have predicted, and I’m sure the late George Peppard is looking down and smiling on Edward James Olmos’ portrayal of Hannibal Smith.
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Looking back, my run for Senate would probably have benefited from an actual election. It was a rookie mistake that continues to haunt my political aspirations.
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Toby was furious with rage, and I later heard it was all they could do to get him calmed down enough to return to the set of Spiderman 6. But the damage had been done, and my ill-advised and ill-planned affair with Stephen Hawking not only tore a rift between Toby and our 3 children, but it altered the course of science forever as Stephen dropped his pursuit of the grand unified theory of everything in favor of his pursuit of a grand unified theory of beanie babies.
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My hip-hop career, while short-lived, had the benefit of forcing Simon Cowell into retirement. He just sort of lost interest after that.
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What I remember most about my lunch with God is how incredible the salmon was that day. God would be like “blah blah blah” and I’d be like “godDAMN this is good salmon.” Then I’d offer Her a bite, but She would politely decline.

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