Ego-Bruising Comfy Shoes Debacle Part 1
But I did not shoot the deputy.
This is such an outrageous example of an abuse of power that I almost didn't write about it. It's simply too bizarre, even for this blog. But then I read this horror story , (courtesy of Hellbound Angels whom you should already have in your Bloglines feed.), and decided I just had to share my own traumatic tale of traveling travails.
Our story begins on my trip home from Denver, Monday last. Being the paragon of virtuous airline travelers, I arrived at Denver International Airport the customary 2 hours ahead of my scheduled departure. I checked in at the United counter, gave them my bags, obtained my boarding pass, and then worked my way through the livestock-like security line.
And then it got weird.
For traveling, I wear my comfy shoes. They're just an old pair of sneakers that have no metal in them, which is important. After going through DIA more than a few times, I've picked up a few things. For example, TSA won't make you remove your shoes if there's obviously no metal in them. This is a handy timesaver. Or at least it used to be.
My first clue to just shut the fuck up and remove my shoes should have been when I noticed the Balrog working the metal detector had a general scowl about her that bespoke a very unhappy person with limited but absolute power within her tiny little domain. Instead, when the foul-tempered she-demon snapped at me to remove my shoes, I had the temerity to reply thusly:
"Oh, these don't have any metal in them."
Without missing a beat, and without taking 10 seconds of her busy life to explain to a perhaps naive passenger that she doesn't give a flying fuck if said passenger's shoes don't have pudding pops in them, the she-demon decreed that I was to perambulate my way over into this sort of elongated phone booth looking thing: The Island of Misfit Passengers.
After waiting in the phone booth dungeon for about 5 minutes, I was extracted by another TSA minion. There was something wrong with this one. He was very nice, and very apologetic. He was like a demonic version of Hermie, who just wants to be a dentist, but no, the evil goddamned elf with the goatee needs more toy-makers for all the greedy goddamned…but I digress. Nevertheless, the extended screening ritual had to be performed, and so he apologetically began the deed. He started by dismantling and then re-mantling my carryon bag. While we were waiting for a female screener for the pat-down ceremony, he asked in perfect common tongue what I had done to earn time in "the box."
I laughed and replied, "I guess Madame Mussolini was annoyed that I didn't take my shoes off."
And then I had one of those movie moments, where the protagonist thinks they are lambasting the antagonist behind their back, and the person they're ranting to goes wide-eyed, and it slowly dawns on the protagonist that the antagonist is standing right the fuck behind her.
And so it was. Madame Mussolini had positioned herself right the fuck behind me. She was none too pleased with my contumely, nor that I had guessed her true hellish name. Madame Mussolini snapped something at Hermie in the demonic TSA language that, while I did not understand the specifics of the order, I did understand the intent of. I, along with my personal items, was taken to the next layer of TSA hell, a little white room off to the side of the screening area. Images and sounds of snapping latex gloves coalesced in my mind, and there was some involuntary clenching of certain body parts.
After about 10 minutes of making with the small talk with Hermie as I aggravated the floor tiles with my socks, the higher level screener guy showed up. He brought a friend. Neither of them looked particularly sympathetic, and they got right the fuck down to business. They spent about 30 minutes asking me questions. How long had I been in Denver, why I was traveling, where did I live in California, who did I know in Denver, who did I know in California, etc, etc. I hear that Chinese citizens go through a similar procedure when traveling within their own country.
I asked why I was being screened, and I was given some vague line about procedures and other bullshit. I asked if it had anything at all to do with the fact that I had called the other screener "Madame Mussolini," and was told that the screeners make "command decisions" as to who needs secondary screening. They assured me that this was not a "revenge" screening.
And then I pulled out my ace in the hole. "You should know I'm a blogger, and if you let me go right now I'll go easy on you."
Okay, I didn't say that. But it would have been pretty funny if I did, don't you think?
Finally I was released into the wild, where I was able to catch the train, still with a comfortable margin of time to make my flight.
Not long after I got to the gate, my name was called to the checkin desk. I thought for sure that TSA was going to have a little more fun with me, but that was only going to come later. United had over-booked my flight, and asked if I would give up my seat for a free round-trip ticket. Since I'm planning on flying back in the summer, and the other flight would get me in only 2 hours later, I took the deal. I know, I know, I should have just gotten my ass out of Denver and been done with it. I know. But I didn't.
My new flight was on Frontier, in another terminal. Another train ride, and a check-in at the Frontier desk. The attendant clicky-clicked her computer, and then said with a completely straight face "it looks like you've been selected for a random screening. We're going to have to call TSA."
"You're kidding me."
"No."
"It's not random. See, I might have called the metal detector lady 'Mussolini'."
"If you'll just have a seat, we'll call a screener."
Now I don't travel a lot, but I have never, ever in my short life seen somebody being screened out in the terminal area. Never. If you, gentle reader, have ever seen this, I'd love to hear it. Because it blows my mind that there would be any reason to screen someone after they've already been screened–twice!–even if it were truly random, which it was not. And just how fucking dangerous is a 110 pound* woman wearing comfy shoes and carrying nothing but a Powerbook, some granola, a water bottle, and a copy of Gangs of Chicago?
30 minutes later, the screener shows up just as my plane starts to board. We'll call her Clarice, even though she only has this small bit part. Clarice wands me, has me remove my shoes, and then I get the pat-down. A hundred other passengers are watching the show with interest. As the last passenger is embarking, Clarice is still in the process of dismantling, inspecting, and then re-mantling my carryon bag.
I am the last passenger to board the now full minus one Boeing 777, a full 15 minutes after the plane was supposed to have pushed back. My seat is near the back, and the other passengers do not look happy. I want to tell them I'm really one of them, truly I am, but their Stepford Wives expressions of mechanical disdain make me think better of it. The lady sitting next to me does not relenquish the armrest for the entire flight, even when she leaves to use the lavatory. (Don't ask.)
In conclusion, I will just say that we were placed in a holding pattern over San Francisco for 40 minutes because of some bad weather that had just moved in. I am sure that this, plus
our 15 minute departure delay, caused some people to miss their connections. There is a roughly zero percent chance that any of them read this blog, but if you were one of those people…that is wicked cool. I mean seriously, think of the odds.
The flight from San Francisco to Monterey is a 20 minute flight. And while there was no more interaction with TSA, it took a lot longer than 20 minutes to get home.
* Shuddup, it's my story, and in my story I'm 110 pounds, have pouty lips, and Nicole Kidman's nose.
June 12th, 2006 at 7:21 am
Well I guess that goes to show you that following the wisdom of never poking the humorless with a stick is the best way to go through life, especially if they’re drunk on power trips.
But, hey, at least you got an interesting story out of it, and the time passed quickly. =)
June 12th, 2006 at 8:25 am
So I got offered a job in LA and was thinking about taking it but after reading about the sort of Big Brother dominated police state you guys seem to live in over there, I may turn the offer down.
June 12th, 2006 at 9:13 am
Amber, yourself and the infamous yellow poncho are a danger to society, I am glad for one you were thoroughly checked for explosives and interrogated as well, you never know when you just might shart out a matchstick.
June 12th, 2006 at 10:59 am
Part 1 implies parts to follow. What, did you go back to the airport to throw things?
June 12th, 2006 at 10:59 am
Oh, and there are many, many reasons to avoid LA beyond tyrannical TSA personnel.
June 12th, 2006 at 11:05 am
And just to make this a three-fer on comments;
Amber, Amber, Amber. NEVER crack jokes about an airport at an airport. EVER. That will get you cavity searches. Security people have NO sense of humor, and have lacked one since well before 9/11. It’s worse now. I’m just grateful we no longer have soldiers armed with automatic rifles patrolling the airports (they still may at Dulles, but I think they’re all gone elsewhere).
Leaving Korea, I got the treatment for having two aerosol cans in my carry-on. It seems that a NK agent once blew up a plane with a bomb hidden in a can of shaving cream, so now no one can have cans. You laugh? Similar logic is why you have to take off your shoes in the US.
June 12th, 2006 at 11:26 am
Oh the world we live in. Yeah these kind of events suck, but to call it an outrageous abuse of power that’s kinda harsh. Sure the screening system is flawed and doesn’t truely fulfill it’s goal, but I think it’s a step in the right direction. With normal citizens as targets, we’re at war in some amount even if just a little. It’s sad, but that’s reality. Don’t know if it’s a good thing or not, but US airport security isn’t like the Israeli’s airport security.
June 12th, 2006 at 11:28 am
Part 1 just got me to SFO. Then there’s my so-called flight to Monterey. I’ll probably post that episode of sunshiny goodness on Wed.
Yeah, not a big LA fan. San Jose is nice though. Get a job there Tom.
This information would have come in handy a little over a week ago.
Actually it was one of those things where I felt like the screener guy kinda knew she was a freak and was sympathizing with me just by the way he asked the question. See, that’s my problem. I trust too much. Not that I think he set me up, but yeah I should have just shut my mouth. Still, it wasn’t like I said “haha maybe she thinks I have bombs. BOOM! Haha!” It was an innocent personal attack on her character. I don’t know why she had to get all worked up over it…
June 12th, 2006 at 1:07 pm
This all could have been avoided if you had just looked at her name tag: “Helga Mussolini”. Because you see, Helga’s grandmother, Donna, was of Swedish origin. She was captured by the Italians during an ill-fated pleasure cruise in the Med.
The entire party was taken to a remote mountain camp in the Alps. After several months of captivity, she met the “general”, while watering the snow. It wasn’t love at first sight and even though she knew it was wrong, she was enthralled by his presence. Long story short, Donna had Brenda and Brenda had Helga.
Helga found out about her past in high school, when she discovered letters in an attic. Through tears, her mother explained the whole shameful history of their family. Embracing her true past in order to right it, Helga changed her last name from “Lindgren”. Wearing the name like a shiny badge, Helga would right what was wrong, bring ethical balance to her family and take no’mo sass.
So you see, there’s more to it than just your supposed mistreatment. Don’t you just feel like a bitch now? =)
June 12th, 2006 at 1:55 pm
Why didn’t you just fly in/out of San Jose? Sheesh. Anyway.
My own TSA story. My son and I were flying back from visiting my daughter when she was finishing up her Marines basic training at Parris Island, SC. When they gave us the tickets at the counter, the lady drew some sort of code letter on the front in black marker. Didn’t think much of it until we got to security and found we’d been randomly selected for a thorough search.
Randomly selected, my butt. Humiliated for a good quarter hour, in public, for no reason.
We’re headed out to Mosquito Heaven - New Hampshire - in August; going from San Diego to Manchester. And everyone knows about al-Qaeda in Manchester….
I hate traveling. TSA wants to make everyone hate it as much as I do.
June 12th, 2006 at 2:07 pm
Ah but Ken, that’s only half the story.
You see, they didn’t tell you that Helga had a sister, Tiffany. Tiffany had been entrusted with the family secret, and hid those letters in the attic so that the curse of Mussolini would never be discovered. When Helga discovered the letters, Tiffany pleaded with her not to take up the charge. But Helga had already crossed over to the dark side. It was…too late for her. Tiffany dedicated her life to stopping Helga, but failed. And the story should end there, except that there was…another. Unfortunately she too failed, and almost missed her flight. That Helga is nigh unstoppable.
@Tipa: I don’t usually fly through San Jose unless there’s a really good deal on tickets. By the time I drive up there, park in long term, and then drive back, it winds up costing me the same as if I’d just flown direct from Monterey.
June 12th, 2006 at 3:27 pm
I did see someone searched in the terminal in front of everyone. This was 3 months after 9/11 and this guy was of Iraqi decent but I’m sure that had NOTHING to do with it at all. It was performed at Honolulu International.
June 12th, 2006 at 7:16 pm
This is why I read your blog. Nowhere else could I find imbeded references to “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” mixed in with a story about airline security. Hermie, Clarice, island of misfit passengers, and probably more I didn’t catch. I only hope part 2 has Mister Heat Miser and Yukon Cornelius.
You may be a misfit Amber, but youre no nit-wit.
Dave (someone stole my cool internet name)
June 12th, 2006 at 11:31 pm
I travel too much to bitch, but I might as well do it anonymous. I don’t have a MySpace account so maybe the NSA hasn’t noticed me. Yet.
The problem is that the TSA thing is a bunch of bunch of busy work to make people think something is done about a problem that can’t be fixed. I’ve seen TSA agents fail to do their job properly; half the time it’s to my benefit so I say nothing. I have a pocketknife with my name on it on my key chain that I got as a gift from a previous employer. It has a 1.5″ blade on it, so obviously I could use it to take over the plane. (Ignoring the fact that I often carry on a laptop power brick with a cord I could swing and do more harm with that than I ever could with a now-dull blade.) I usually pack my key chain, but sometimes I forget and have to hide it in my carry on luggage. Only time I was given grief was in a foreign country while heading back to the U.S. and had to get my luggage out of the checked area and run it back through checkin.
Of course, there’s the sleazy money side of things. Take a gander at this page to see how all this stuff is just enriching businesses. The real slap in the face is the Registered Traveler Program where you can bypass all that nasty security business by registering… and paying an annual fee! All in the name of safety and convenience, certainly not merely to profit!
The shoe thing is an ultimate insult to intelligence. At our local airport the TSA people “recommend” you take off your shoes, but if you don’t they give you the extra special screening. I’ve even been stopped by the person at the metal detector and they have told me to take off my shoes before going through or face extra screening. Also, the amount of “random” screening depends on how bored the agents are. I’ve noticed a lot more screening during the wee hours of the morning when the people have almost nothing to do.
The sad part about this all is it makes us no safer. Most of the terrorists come from educated backgrounds; these aren’t country bumpkins without basic logic skills. I’m sure someone with a lot of motivation could circumvent the process easier than anyone could suspect. Hell, those crowded security areas are a “target rich” environment, so to speak. Consider what could happen if someone who truly hated freedom decided to do something at the security line. Think that single agent checking boarding passes is going to stop someone dedicated? Talk about terror…
The conspiracy theorist in me thinks this is a way to teach people not to question authority. If anyone sticks out, they get a healthy does of humiliation. Learns them right quick like not to speak out, hmm? Getting a very public search of your items and delaying the flight certainly doesn’t make you eager to challenge the status quo, does it? Now, please ignore the fact that your government is fucking the environment, angering every other nation, and giving blank government checks to their buddies.
For me the saddest part of all this isn’t the inconvenience, the empty promises of security or the insulting of our intelligence. The saddest part is people like DraconianOne shunning our once-great country because of our loss of freedom in the name of no increased security. Or people like tnx3 passively accepting something that goes against almost every core belief we have about freedom and saying, “Well, it could be worse!”
As the good book says, “How the mighty have fallen.”
June 13th, 2006 at 8:21 am
I wonder if this is how the Soviets got started. Papers please!
June 13th, 2006 at 8:45 am
hmm… Yes, it could be worse. But it also could be better. All the money wasted on the current system could be used better. Terrorists who wish to kill as many American as possible could go do something else. Politicians could do their jobs better. Still the basic question is what is the reality of the situation and what should the system be in reaction to reality. Among that airport security, should it be pre-9/11, what it is now, or something more effective than the current system?
Even before 9/11, Columbine happened. In it’s aftermath the security of schools became a big focus. Many schools before that had metal detectors and secuirty cameras. Before that, courtrooms and government buildings had security.
As for going against the status quo, I say everything has it’s time and place. Don’t yell fire in a theater. Also this touches on an issue of what state you believe the country is in. I don’t think theres a right or wrong answer to this one. Is the country at war? If so what kind of war, World War 2, Viet Nam War, Cold War? If not what should the system be like, pre-9/11? Is security that’s the only issue here being considered, or is the freedom and rights of a citizen an issue. Whatever your belief and understanding is of the situation, vote accordingly.
Jeez… I tend to ask too many questions. Oh wells, that’s one way I try evaluate what the world really is like, what is should be like, and how to change it.
June 16th, 2006 at 8:51 pm
I am a veteran of the airlines having grown up an airline brat (my father worked for United for 45 years.) I now only wear slip on shoes and always take them off, stick them in the lovely gray bin and walk barefoot through the radiation induction machine (metal detector). I think I have been scanned and x-rayed so many times in my life that I am due to glow soon.
November 2nd, 2006 at 11:50 am
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