Excerpts from My Forthcoming Novel (Based On The Graphic Novel), “Armageddon Clock Zero: Countdown To Infinity: A Yellow Poncho of Justice Novel Based on The Graphic Novel”
Part 2 in an ongoing series.
View Part 1.
Chapter 4: Terror at 30,000 Feet
The Yellow Poncho of Justice sipped her complimentary champagne, oblivious to the tiny bubbles clinging to her wispy she-mustache. Her thoughts drifted back to the empty seat in coach where Tommy should be sitting. But Tommy was dead. As dead as the eldritch husk that pulsated obscenely in his killers chest. Tommy had taken the bullet meant for her. He'd given his life so that she could live on to fight evil. He had sacrificed himself for the greater good of humanity. It was a rare trait in a personal assistant, almost as rare as finding one with shorthand. It would take weeks to replace him, and for that Eater of Shadows would pay. She pressed the call button.
"Can I help you?" the flight attendant asked, her eyes glowing redly in the low cabin light.
"Yes," Amber replied, sheathing two katanas into the woman's chest. "You can hold these for me."
The attendant grasped feebly at the swords, then dropped to the floor and died.
A passenger screamed.
Amber stood over the corpse, waiting for the dead attendant to morph back into her true Shadow Drake form. It sure was taking a long time.
"Federal Marshall, don't move," a husky voice said behind her.
The game was afoot now, but the gun pressed against the back of her head was all business. "You don't understand," she said.
"Put your hands behind your back, and no funny business," the Marshall growled. "Nobody hijacks a plane when Air Marshall Dan Tanner is on duty!"
Amber turned around quickly, knocking his gun aside, and gazed into his smoldering eyes. She'd seen him when they first boarded. He had been reading an upside down copy of Time Magazine while speaking into his wrist. Only now did she notice his chiseled chin, firm jawline, and eyes that were at once piercing and haunting. Also smoldering. Something stirred deep within her fallopian tubes. "Mister Tanner, " she whispered. "This plane is in terrible danger."
Tanner gasped, and she could see that he could see that she was beautiful. "My God you're beautiful," he said.
She pulled back. "There's no time. This plane is filled with Shadow Drakes, evil minions of Eater of Shadows."
Tanner's eyes grew wide. "You mean..?"
"Yes," she said. "There's Drakes on this plane. And unless we do something quick…"
Tanner's eyes darted over to the dead attendant. "Was she one of them?"
"There's no time to quibble over details, Mr. Tanner. We need to get this plane on the ground."
"Please," Dan replied. "Call me Dan."
Suddenly, one of the giant drakes shot out of an overhead bin, knocking Amber to the floor. It's breath was hideous, making her wish she hadn't used her last Mentos on the Diet Coke. And why was it that they always gave you those tiny little plastic cups? Were they so hard up for cash they couldn't just give you the whole damn can?
"It will be on the ground sssoon enough," the Shadow Drake hissed. "Or should I say, it will be on The Department of Motor Vehiclesss!"
"You…monsters! Not if I have anything to say about it!" Amber reached behind her, pulled the katanas out of the alleged Shadow Drake corpse, and plunged them into the Drake astride her chest. The Drake screamed with dying fury as she jumped back to her feet. It was then that she noticed Dan was gone, and with the possible exception of the flight attendant, all of the passengers had transformed into Shadow Drakes.
En masse, they attacked. Ancient forged steel whirled in The Yellow Poncho of Justice's hands, and within seconds the cabin was filled with hot lizard meat, lizard entrails, and lizard blood. The remaining Drakes grew cautious.
"Enough!" a voice she knew all too well hissed. She stopped, turned cinematically, and faced her enemy. He had a knife to Dan's throat.
"Eater of Shadows. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board."
Eater of Shadows knitted his eyebrows, dropping a stitch in the process, and then sniffed his pit. "You did?"
"Let him go, Eater. He's not part of this."
"Oh but I think he is, Yellow Poncho. I think you have feelings for this…mortal. Now, my worthy opponent. Drop your swords, or I'll do to this one what I did to your little receptionist."
"Personal assistant," she growled.
"Whatever."
Amber dropped one of her katanas.
Eater of Shadows rolled his eyes. "And the other one."
"Don't do it!" Dan yelled. "You have to stop these maniacs from destroying the DMV!"
Eater of Shadows pushed the knife further against the hapless Marshall's neck, drawing a thin stream of blood. "Last chance Yellow Poncho of Justice. Drop it or I drop the Marshall."
Amber looked at her katana, then back to Eater of Shadows, and loosened her grip on the sword.
Will The Yellow Poncho of Justice drop her sword?
Will Eater of Shadows kill Marshall Dan?
How cool was it when she like totally carved up those lizards?
Will anyone really try to keep the DMV from being destroyed?
Find out when “Armageddon Clock Zero: Countdown To Infinity: A Yellow Poncho of Justice Novel Based on The Graphic Novel” comes to a book store near you!
September 26th, 2006 at 10:06 am
It would take weeks to replace him, and for that Eater of Shadows would pay.
LOL!
September 26th, 2006 at 10:31 am
Ok, fine, I’ll be Captain Obivious and bite:
“OMG OMFG Drakes on a Plane!!”
It’s done, carry on with wittier comments
September 26th, 2006 at 10:31 am
That’s not a typo, Captain Obvious is trademarked. =P
September 26th, 2006 at 10:44 am
You can read this passage is a circle and give yourself a wicked headrush. Try it!
It’s like Demolition Woman! Bad-ass and funny. Enhance your calm Yellow Ponch of Justice.
I’m tired of these muthafuckin drakes on this muthafuckin plane!
September 26th, 2006 at 1:34 pm
Is this for real? I feel stupid for asking cuz its funny but is there really a yellow poncho “graphic novel?” and did you write it or did someone else? I dont see it on Amazon. And Is the writing supposed to be ummmm kind of bad? I hope thats not offended but I cant think of a better way to say it. And also I cant find chapters 1-3.
September 26th, 2006 at 1:56 pm
Battlegumby, you must be new here
You need to go read all of Penny Arcade, see Snakes on a Plane and Kill Bill Vol. 1, and check the archives of this blog for the Transportation Safety Authority posts… for a start…
September 26th, 2006 at 2:30 pm
Duh okies I’m dumb! =P I’m not new but guess I was just confused because it seems like a lot of effort for just a joke post. Something that long would take me a week to write lol.
September 26th, 2006 at 5:58 pm
The Yellow Poncho of Justice sipped her complimentary champagne, oblivious to the tiny bubbles clinging to her wispy she-mustache.
[...]
Tanner gasped, and she could see that he could see that she was beautiful. “My God you’re beautiful,” he said.
Conclusion: she-mustaches are the new hawtness.
Rock it all night long, YPOJ!
September 26th, 2006 at 10:45 pm
@Battlegumby: My goal in life is to add to your confusion.
@Tipa: So I’m channeling Penny Arcade unconsciously now I guess. Wicked!
@Psychochild: Obviously this is a work of fiction. *ahem*
September 27th, 2006 at 5:21 am
You must not know Amber very well. This is nothing for her. My guess is that this is her in-flight fantasy on her return trip from the wedding that I can’t wait to hear about..
September 27th, 2006 at 5:35 am
Oh! I guess appropriate lyrics for this post would be from Primus. An affectionate little song about the DMV.
I’ve been to hell,
I spell it, spell it DMV.
Anyone who’s been there,
knows precisely what I mean.
I’ve stood there and I’ve waited
choked back the urge to scream
and if I had my druthers
I’d screw a chimpanzee.
… Call it… pointless…
September 29th, 2006 at 3:05 pm
you can’t channel penny-arcade, neither of them are dead.
… yet…