The Trouble With Tribuls
Or "My first game review of the year." The short version: 4½ out of 5 Crying Baby Jesi.
From WomenGamers.com:
Tribulation Knights is a brand new video game in a series of Christian video games. The first of the series is a stealth based third-person adventure for the PC. Shooting and killing of game characters is absent from this game.
As an exclusive service to our readers, Amber Night Megalomedia presents a list of exciting new features from Tribulation Knights, and what it means to you, the target player.
Feature: "Stealth based third-person adventure."
What it means: It's like Half Life, in that it's half a game.
Why you should play: Because you've always wanted to know what it's like to play a shooter without any shooting.
Feature: "…Tribulation Knights carry a very limited supply of chemical based water balloons that freeze the enemy target for a very brief time, just long enough to allow an escape."
What it means: Let he who is without ammo cast the first balloon.
Why you should play: You can also twist the chemical balloons into different shapes, such as a wiener dog or a wiener Jesus, or, you know, just a wiener.
Feature: "The main character, whose name has not been released yet, is a recently trained agent of the life saving organization known only as the Tribulation Knights(TM)."
What it means: Your mystery avatar is ga-ga for da Lawd, and is also a recent graduate of Basic Babysitter CPR, which qualifies him to be an "agent" in much the same way a Wal-Mart employee is an "associate."
Why you should play: As a Tribulation Knight(TM) you will not only allow the Word of God to work through you, but in each specially marked pack of Tribulation Knights(TM): The Gathering, you'll get a code that lets you buy in-game items such as fire bibles, Chick tracts, and Judgement Armor.
Feature: "A worldwide cult has gained control of the planet and is planning to incarcerate all Christians who do not join them."
What it means: The stakes couldn't be higher! They're…they're incarcerating people, people! Seriously, there could be subpoenas involved.
Why you should play: (Movie guy voice) In a world…of incarceration. One man. Will defy an Empire. With water balloons.
Feature: "The purpose of the video game is to honor our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."
What it means: Jesus: Hates gays, people with oil. Loves the water balloons.
Why you should play: Supports the President.
January 3rd, 2007 at 11:16 am
The anti-bot math plugin is broken, so I’ve disabled it for now. Apologies to those who were trying to comment but were unable to.
January 3rd, 2007 at 3:22 pm
Wowowow. Prepare to suspend disbelief in the name of the Lawd. Proceeds will go towards sending bibles to Episcopalians in Africa who will use them to justify killing non-christian neighbors, and Episcopalians in America who love gays.
January 3rd, 2007 at 3:29 pm
Dammit, yet another of my ideas shamelessly stolen for profit. You know for years I’ve been saving the souls of the neighborhood heathens via “Projectile Baptism(tm)”. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m about 50 souls shy of Arch Angel status.
Also, I take offense at merely calling these holy devices balloons, I prefer Righteous Bladders of God.
January 3rd, 2007 at 3:51 pm
“The game also serves as a warning to those who are not yet saved, that life will be difficult after the rapture.”
Well, shit, if the Bible had mentioned that there was going to be Woozy Emitters, I wouldn’t have led this life of sin.
January 3rd, 2007 at 4:23 pm
How many people do you suppose have singed eyebrows from opening a fire bible? I gotta get me one of those.
Dave (someone stole my cool internet name)
January 3rd, 2007 at 5:05 pm
mmmmm cream filled wieners, just like the old priest used to give me!
January 3rd, 2007 at 9:30 pm
*choke* *cough* *cough* *cough*…..
Drink warning next time, please.
January 4th, 2007 at 6:57 am
Add Roman Catholics to the list of heathens, too.
January 4th, 2007 at 7:33 am
“in the holy place…then shall be Great Tribulation such as the world has never known.”
Ahh so this is what he meant… A great ‘game of’ tribulation
Also you gotta love: “The game also serves as a warning to those who are not yet saved, that life will be difficult after the rapture.” Actually surely it might be a lot easier… what with all them Evangelising Christians gone and all ;op
January 4th, 2007 at 9:17 am
What a coincedence! I was just designing a game where you play a devout RC character who travels the world converting the unfaithful and praying for the souls of the
hereticsevangelists.I was going to call it “Inquisition: Legacy of Torquemada”
January 4th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
Excuse my pore english is been beter to plying fur God then is devels and satin. I hoppin that you are burn in hell!
January 4th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
I’ll play it… only if I can be a bad guy.
I was going to say, “Only if I can play for the cult.” But I couldn’t decide which side was the cult…
January 4th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
QFT!
January 5th, 2007 at 4:18 am
ROFLMAO! Brilliant! Bloody priceless.
Got to agree though - plying fur is bad and should be stopped. Just think of all the cute ickle seal cubs!
January 5th, 2007 at 11:59 am
Jesi - Beautiful!
Can we “decline” Jesus?
Jesus, Jesi
Jesi, Jesorum
(fill in the rest, Accusative, Dative, Ablative, Man, my Latin has gotten dusty)
Free Bonus, in the illiterate Internet era we can “verb” Jesus too:
Jesare
Jeso
Jesas
Jesat
Jesamus
Jesatis
Jesant
January 5th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
Of course Roman Catholics would be left behind. The RCs have a long, illustrious history full of kicking heathen butt.
January 6th, 2007 at 2:53 am
Possibly but I think the mistake you made was to try to define it as first conjugation verb when it should probably be a third conjugation verb like minuo or struo, as follows (and correcting for the lack of a J in latin):
Iesuo
Iesuis
Iesuit
Iesuimus
Iesuitis
Iesuunt
The infinitive would be Iesuere and means something along the lines of “To roll a mean ball” (a bowling expression, allegedly) or an alternative meaning is “to expose yourself to eight year olds“.
January 6th, 2007 at 1:12 pm
Why do you make fun of a God who has only ever loved you?