Excerpts from My Forthcoming Novel (Based On The Graphic Novel), “Armageddon Clock Zero: Countdown To Infinity: A Yellow Poncho of Justice Novel Based on The Graphic Novel”
Part 3 In An Ongoing Series
View Part 1, Part 2.
Chapter 9: In the Clutches of King Henry VIII
Shadows loomed eerily all through the inside of the Tower of London. Marshall Dan Tanner’s rugged, chiseled chin quivered mightily as he fought back tears of anger and sadness. It couldn’t end like this. It just couldn’t.
"Damn it, isn't there anything we can do?" he asked Jeeves.
Jeeves tucked the umbrella under his arm and adjusted his bola hat before carefully placing his monocle back into the vest pocket of his butler suit. "I'm afraid not," he replied in his English accent. "Once Eater of Shadows imprisoned her in the painting, it was too late. Even if we could somehow send you after her, you would never be able to leave."
Dan grabbed Jeeves by the shoulders, shaking him like a baby. "Damn it man, don't you see? We've got to get her out of there. The fate of the entire universe depends on it!"
Jeeves pulled himself away stiffly. "I'm afraid not, Marshall Tanner. It's…it's bloody hopeless."
Dan sunk to his knees and was almost about to yell "Noooooooooooooooo!" when Jeeves said "Unless…"
Dan climbed back to his feet and growled "Unless…what?"
"No…no, it's too risky" Jeeves replied.
"Damn it Jeeves, if there's a chance to save her, we've got to try! We've…got to try!"
Jeeves shook his head and smiled condescendingly. "You Americans. Always so dashing and handsome and willing to overcome impossible odds in the name of love. Very well then, we should get started. I’m going to need some balsa wood, 3 proofs of purchase from a box of Life cereal, a parakeet, a tube of glitter, and a time machine. And do you still have that 50 Cent CD?"
“It’s pronounced ‘fitty cent,’” Dan replied with his favorite correction, “and I never leave home without it.” Dan whipped the CD from his vest pocket.
“Smashing and cheerio. Let’s get started then, shall we?”
—
"'Allo luvvy, wot say you chibber this here stringer so's we can get on wit' makin' the ruby wot wot?" Reginald bloviated.
Amber looked on with amazement at the filthy cockney midget, and took the lute from his hands. Suddenly she realized she had amnesia. "Pardon me sir, can you tell me who I am?"
Reginald laughed heartily. "What's dis den Maggie, you havin' a laugh at ol' Reginald? Pop a cork in it love, 'Enry's in a sorry sort dis eve. Give 'im a nice lolly so's we kin bobby up a few extra quid, 'ay wot?"
Amber nodded. "So…you want me to play this instrument for this Henry guy so we can get paid?"
Reginald shook his head in irritation. "Now dat's wha' I said love, in't it?"
The curtain opened, and a really large guy dressed like King Henry VIII (because he was) clapped, belched, and roared "play wench!" Bits of spittle laden turkey and boar flew from his mouth, dribbling into his greasy beard. It was really disgusting.
The room grew quiet. The King farted wetly. "What sayeth you, Bard? Hast the cat made away with thy tongue? Sing wench!" A small vein throbbed on his bloaty, greasy forehead.
"Um…what would you like to hear…uh…sir?" Amber asked meekly. She tried to think of something, anything, to sing, but her amnesia was the really bad kind.
King Henry VIII waved a dismissive ham hock. "Something ethnic."
"Yes Mr. The VIII," she replied. The court grew quiet except for the King's intermittent flatulence. Amber adjusted the lute strap, and messed with the bass volume to buy a little time. Finally, she closed her eyes, breathed in sharply, cleared her throat, and began.
"Yo yo yo my medieval mofo’s, I’m a shout out to all my niggas back home in the hood y'all, 'specially my dime piece Shaniqua, rest in peace bay-bee, fo shizzle! Gimme some beat Reggie cuz da mothafuckin Poncho is in the kiz-assle!" She kissed her hand and flashed a peace sign, then proceeded to lay down some ghetto.
—
"I recognize not your strange clothes, sir. Where do you hail from?" the castle guard asked.
"San Francisco," Marshall Dan Tanner replied, flashing his badge. "I'm looking for a woman. She talks strangely and might be wearing a yellow poncho."
"Aye," the guard replied. "You speak of YP Justiss. She is to wed King Henry VIII this morning. If you hurry you can make the wedding."
Dan thrust a fist up to his mouth. "Dear God! There's not a moment to spare. If she marries him, she'll be stuck in this time forever!"
“Eh,” the guard said noncommittally. “It’s not such a bad time, really. Could be worse. Could be dinosaurs.”
Dan raced through the Camelot gate as wedding bells and the sounds of vinyl scratching pealed through the castle halls.
Will Marshall Dan Tanner save The Yellow Poncho of Justice from marrying King Henry VIII and thus being trapped forever in whatever the hell year it was?
Will Jeeves' reverse flux time machine-o-lux be able to rescue both the Yellow Poncho of Justice and Marshall Dan Tanner?
And will this whole Hip Hop bizzy-ness really catch on?
Find out when “Armageddon Clock Zero: Countdown To Infinity: A Yellow Poncho of Justice Novel Based on The Graphic Novel” comes to a book store near you!
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Not your best work, but amusing nonetheless.
LOL
Wasn’t this an I Dream of Jeanie episode?
Dave (someone stole my cool internet name)
Awesome!
(You’re forgiven for bloody English stereotyping and all, wot wot)
@benro: Yeah, it could have benefited from stewing a couple more days before some final polishing.
@Dave: Close!
@Jpoku: Smashing!
This story doesn’t make any sense since it so clearly contradicts continuity. If you recall Secret Civil Jeeves of Infinite Bowties #3, you’ll recall that Jeeves almost died at the hands of Space Butler because of his weakness to Red-breasted Parakeets. Unless we’re to believe, somehow, that the parakeet used in the reverse flux time machine-o-lux is some other breed of parakeet in that part of the country? Preposterous.
Worst issue ever.
Wow. I can always count on coming around here for some good old-fashioned entertainment. Nice work.
Jeeves’s requirements sound oddly like they’d fit just fine into a high-end MMO questline.
This question was already addressed during the Q&A of my keynote speech at CominomiCon ’06, the full text of which you can read on Ponchopedia, but here it is again. Remember that in SCJIB #12 that after Jeeves was ecto-ported into the Jade Nebula Inner Sanctum, Klong The Unmerciful disintegrated him with the Secret Doom Ray of Ultimate Doominess. In SCJIB #17, we discover that the Papsy Twins (Smeiry and Cervy) had transferred Jeeves’ katra (litigation with Paramount still pending) into the brain of their pet space squirrel, Ooky, before Jeeves’ untimely death. Here’s where it gets a little confusing. In the special crossover series SCJIB/YPoJ: Infinite Disasters of Really Big Proportions, the Papsy Twins return to Earth to return Jeeves’ katra, but are thwarted by the 50 Foot Cockroach What Ate Guilford. Ooky is eaten by the Cockroach, and all hope is lost that Jeeves’ katra will ever be returned to the Hall of Servants. It is a sad day for our heroes. But later, in SCJIB #22, we discover that the 50 Foot Cockroach What Ate Guilford had layed a cluster of eggs before being destroyed by The Yellow Poncho of Justice. One of the eggs contains Jeeves’ katra, and Jeeves is reborn, with the added benefit of having cockroach-like resistances. So while not specifically stated in the SCJIB series, it’s accepted canon that Jeeves’ parakeet weakness has been cancelled out by his newfound Cockroach powers. It also explains his tendency to scurry under the furniture when someone turns on the lights.
Do try to keep up!
I doo believe that my brains did in fact dribble out of my head and onto my keyboard.
This had a fine opening and might have gone some where until it went past the first line. Then it went down hill from there. To say this was drivel would cheapen the word for such a word is too great for what this is and is in fact carp. (Carp not a misspelling). After retrieving my not inconsiderable brain matter off of my keyboard I then proceeded to thrash myself about the head and shoulders with a rusty pipe I found languishing in my warehouse. The pain it caused will only just negate the bad feelings and images that ran through my head at reading this.
I can say I did learn something from this….ahem…story. I had no idea that Henry the VIII inhabited Camelot. Quite the tidbit of historical trivia there.
Keep up the good wo…choke…..hmm Twinkies.
I never trust anything I read on Ponchopedia, I mean, anyone can just go in and edit it! For a prime example, see the entry on Stephen Colbert’s Jaunty Hat.
It was my understanding that CJIB/YPoJ: Infinite Disasters of Really Big Proportions was retconned simply into being a story told by Starchy the Drycleaned, and actually took place in the splinter universe where the Red Rain Slicker of Unhappiness had taken over.
Furthermore, to suggest that somebody English could possess cockroach powers is absurd: scientifically, they do not posess the genetic fortitude. (See The Uncrushable Roach #518, “From UK With Bugs”)
Always nice to meet a fan!
I cant believe Im asking this but you do know this is parody right?
I can’t believe I’m asking this, but you have heard of sarcasm, right?
I was using sarcasm in most of that comment. The part about the brains dribbling out was true however. Now I keep forgetting where I put my fingers. Though I will call into question the sanity of the authorer of this….tale. If crazyness is a right or permission to write then you seem to be over qualified.
Good show there!
I knew it was sarcasm but it was you could tell he really didnt like it. To each his own I thought it was funny because it was intentionly bad but to each his own. The part about not knowing king henry lived in camelot sounded like a parting shot but i guess i was wrong. So nevery mind!