Amber Night

MMO Edition

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Aries March 21-April 19

Today you will heroically offer your sword to help Brandorgarthabralgun the Wise save the…um…kingdom or…farm or something. After killing 18/50 “Pernicious Wolves,” you recall the 11cp reward, decide to “fuck this shit,” and go cyber with that hot elf chick.

Taurus April 20-May 20

Like mighty Heracles, you charge furiously into battle, weapon drawn, and hot blood pumping through your valorous heart. A mighty guttural roar rises from your throat. You cleave into your enemies, striking as many as your sword will reach. You are a caster you stupid son of a bitch and next time you can find your own goddamned rez, ok?

Gemini May 21-June 21

Stay away from guild drama today. Yes I know you’re being treated unfairly, and yes I know what Bahltazargadon said about you in the forums, and you’re right it really was insensitive not just to you but to Gnomes in general, but it was also 3 months ago and Bahltazargadon isn’t even in the guild anymore, and yes I know your feelings are still hurt and yeah the guild officers suck for not making you an officer again after you quit the guild for the third time, and yes…oh wtf. /ignore

Cancer June 22-July 22

You’re saving up for a mount. Fair enough. But today is a good day to upgrade your gear. Seriously. When your equipment no longer cons any recognizable color, it’s time to upgrade.

Leo July 23-August 22

Hoo-wee! If there’s anything better than living at your parents house and playing WoW 17 hours a day, you don’t want to know what it is. Seriously, you don’t want to know what it is. It would totally depress you.

Virgo August 23-September 22

This is a new feature on Amber Night. Had I really had my shit together I’d have warned you last week was a really bad time to lose your cool on the boards. My bad. But hey, there’s more to life than just being a community relations manager. Try being a guide.

Libra September 23-October 22

You pay a monthly fee for this game. You’re perfectly entitled to cast your pets in the busiest areas of the city during peak play time when frames are measured per minute. Also: buff, duel, and leap like a rabid goddamned chihuahua. Go nuts!

Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Today the game designers will conspire against you when you discover that sick goddamned sword you’ve been drooling over for the last 5 levels is actually capping out at 11.9 DPS, instead of its advertised 12.0 DPS, and you’ve got the fucking logs and screen shots to prove it. Hit the forums right now. Start a petition demanding the designers be sacked. Do not accept thread lock for an answer.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21

You see the positive in everything, which is why nobody will group with you.

Capricorn December 22-January 19

As a game designer you are stunned and surprised when somebody compares your project to World of Warcraft. You are a sarcastic twat.

Aquarius January 20-February 18

Years of therapy await you when you discover that totally hot elf chick you were cybering with turns out to be a not-so-totally-hot dwarf. (Also applies to Aries.)

Pisces February 19-March 20

You’re not going to believe this, but CS is going to make you change your name from Annulsecksmashin to probably something ghey. Hook up with Scorpio on how to deal with this matter.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007 at 5:23 am and is filed under Amber's Brain. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.