Amber Night (rebooted)

Just so you know, I am a freaking genious. I just read GamePro.com’s 11 Worst Trends in Video Games, and the gears started turning. I can fix the video game industry. The answer has literally been sitting in my basement the entire time! I’m documenting it here on my blog because somebody with some money is going to figure it out (the answer and what I keep in my basement), and then I’m going to need to sue their asses and/or flee the country.

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The 11 Worst Trends in Video Games, and my solutions.

11. The Perfect Woman.

My Solution: The perfect man, Bob Saget.

10. Bloom Effects.

My solution: Bob Saget Effects. Romantic atmosphere? Bob Saget. Fear and dread? Bob Saget. Jump to warp speed? Bob Saget doing interpretive dance in spandex and ultraviolet makeup. There is nothing that can be conveyed through special graphical effects that can’t be conveyed better through Bob Saget effects.

9. Super Soldiers.

My solution: Super Bob Saget. That’s redundant, I know.

8. Regular Soldiers, for that matter.

My solution: Bob Saget, blind-folded, with one arm tied behind his back, the other arm tied to the first arm, and both legs encased in carbonite. Oh and a chunk of kryptonite the size of a melon hung on his neck like green glowy bling. That’s what it would take to get him down to just “regular” Bob Saget.

7. Using every button on the controller.

My Solution: Until the industry actually starts manfacturing controllers with Bob Saget buttons (I’m guessing by Christmas), you’ll need to do the following: Print out the following image as many times as your controller has buttons.

Using a glue-stick, apply a Bob Saget button over each controller button. For a totally tricked out Saget controller, apply a tiny border of glue around the picture, and pour some glitter on the glue to make a nice sparkly border. If you have some unicorn or rainbow stickers to place next to your buttons, so much the better. Wa-la! No more X or triangle or circle buttons. Now there are just Bob Saget, Bob Saget, and Bob Saget buttons. (Don’t forget to send pics of your altered controller!)

6. Licensed Soundtracks.

My solution: Full House soundtrack. Duh.

5. Sequels.

My solution: Full House reunion.

4. Rising Game Prices.

Drop that scratch on the Full House: The Complete First Six Seasons DVD set. The more Full House you’re watching, the less you’re gaming. The less you’re gaming, the cheaper games get. Did I mention I’m a freaking genius?

3. Microtransactions.

My solution: No solution. Bob’s all about the macro.

2. Gangsta Themes.

My solution: Rollin’ With Bob Saget. (can also be used for #5 for edgier games)

1. World War II Themes.

My solution: Bob Saget. Kicking Nazi ass. Like he does every goddamned day.

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