Amber Night (rebooted)

Just got my July Warhammer Online Newsletter, which offers a “brief introduction” to Dark Elves. They included this screenshot from the trailer:

I guess I hadn’t really noticed her (lack of an) outfit when I originally watched the video. She looks like she might be saying “Hey blondie! Heloooo?! My dagger’s up here!”

But really, are we not even pretending that boobs operate under the same laws of physics as everything else does anymore? Is there some kind of relativity exception field being generated in and around the Dark Elvish sternum that wasn’t covered in the Introduction? Because unless Dark Elves have discovered double-sided tape (in this case, double sided carbon-fiber duct tape of the type used to keep the stresses of re-entry from tearing up space shuttles) there’s no way in hell that little strip of tissue comes close to holding those things in. Each one appears to be larger than her head, which is probably why the only other functional piece of armor she’s wearing above her hips isn’t really armor at all. It’s a back brace. If Fabio of Clan Shampoo Commercial doesn’t kill her, osteoporosis will.

Also, in the world of WAR, do they just go for the legs? That’s some serious goddamned leg armor she’s got going on there. You could make an entire suit of normal armor just out of her leg armor. Which…you know…probably would have been a good idea, given that her guild seems to be short on armorers able to craft from the crotch up. (Clearly you need at least 800 in Armorcrafting to make codpieces.)

To summarize: If you’re tired of playing slutty school girls or dancing the Macarena in your suspiciously grimy loincloth, give playing a porn starlet a try. WAR is, after all, coming.

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Not sure how this one got past me, other than I haven’t watched much SciFi Channel since Galactica’s been on hiatus. But I guess Flash Gordon is going to be a television series in August. The big question: will SciFi get it right, or very very very wrong?

The trailer implies they’ll be using the original Queen soundtrack, which is a good start. Say it with me now: FLASH! Ahh-ahhhhhhh!

Courtesy of reader Wendelius.

Drop me a line if you’ve got a suggestion for future Friday videos.

Update: you might be able to get into the Fury preview this weekend if you hurry.

It was supposed to be all rainbows and unicorns from here on out, but no.

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Critical Hits passed this meme on to me, and now I’m passing it on to you. I’m not going to “tag 10 other people” because I’m pretty sure I don’t know 10 other people, but I’ll hit a few on my way out.

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Blatant sell-out after the jump.

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The TSA is lifting the ban on cigarette lighters for airline travelers.

Water, shampoo, and breast milk still strictly controlled.

No punchline. Just thought you should know.

Last week, industry “shock jock” Richard Bartle declared he is only a job application away from “clos[ing] World of Warcraft [because he HATE HATE HATES World of Warcraft and everything it stands for!]“ Bartle, who was totally serious about shutting down the most successful video game of all time, is also rumored to be working in seclusion on a death ray at his secret skull-shaped island somewhere outside of Kent.

Predictably, the community was outraged¹. It should come as no surprise really. Dr. Bartle (who is still alive) has a storied history of stirring up controversy wherever he goes. The crack Amber Night Megalomedia staff spent the weekend uncovering some of the more inflammatory quotes made by Dr. Richard Bartle over the years, and it’s worse than you thought.

Richard Bartle, Undergraduate slacker, Essex University, November 1980 “I really only started writing games because of the ho’s. Since I wrote MUD, bitches be comin’ up to my crib all hours of the day and night. See, I’m not just a designer. I’m also a playa.”	Dr. Richard Bartle, Postgraduate slacker, April 1995 “This Warcraft game is a smashing good time, but if they ever turn it into an MMO I will unleash my hell fury. I bloody well shit you not.”
Dr. Richard Bartle, Ivory Towered Game Designer, September 2000 “Fantasy games are simply an extension of our own cultural realities. For example, Elves and humans represent white people, whereas orcs and women represent blacks.”	Dr. Richard Bartle, Contributing Editor, Tera Nova, June 2006 “It is a sad fact of human evolution that due to limited cranial capacity and poor linguistic skills, Australians are incapable of leading large raids. I guess what I’m really saying is that Australians are bloody stupid.”

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¹ About the shutting down WoW. Gamers are totally down with death rays.

Submitted for your approval, evidence that I will scour the very bowels of YourTubes looking for…well to tell the truth I was definitely NOT looking for this. Because if there’s anything that will cement my newfound reputation as a misogynistic mind-fucker (not to be confused with Mindsticker, which you will soon come to understand is the very epitome of the feminine ideal), it’s this:

What I love about this video: at about the 10 seconds left mark, the husband’s Big Brother-like head fades in over our Mindsticktress heroine. He knows about that crouton she gorged herself on at lunch. Oh yes he does, and he is sadistically amused that she thought he wouldn’t find out. The look of barely contained rapture on his ghoulishly lit face hints at the terrible array of punishments in store for her when they get home, starting with the hose.

The price of being a Mindsticker is a heavy one, but it’s great to have a good shape. Drink Tab yo.

Sanya Weathers has a good “how I got here from there” writeup at The Escapist. Read it. It’s good.

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