Next Week: Dwarfs In Thongs
Just got my July Warhammer Online Newsletter, which offers a “brief introduction” to Dark Elves. They included this screenshot from the trailer:
I guess I hadn’t really noticed her (lack of an) outfit when I originally watched the video. She looks like she might be saying “Hey blondie! Heloooo?! My dagger’s up here!”
But really, are we not even pretending that boobs operate under the same laws of physics as everything else does anymore? Is there some kind of relativity exception field being generated in and around the Dark Elvish sternum that wasn’t covered in the Introduction? Because unless Dark Elves have discovered double-sided tape (in this case, double sided carbon-fiber duct tape of the type used to keep the stresses of re-entry from tearing up space shuttles) there’s no way in hell that little strip of tissue comes close to holding those things in. Each one appears to be larger than her head, which is probably why the only other functional piece of armor she’s wearing above her hips isn’t really armor at all. It’s a back brace. If Fabio of Clan Shampoo Commercial doesn’t kill her, osteoporosis will.
Also, in the world of WAR, do they just go for the legs? That’s some serious goddamned leg armor she’s got going on there. You could make an entire suit of normal armor just out of her leg armor. Which…you know…probably would have been a good idea, given that her guild seems to be short on armorers able to craft from the crotch up. (Clearly you need at least 800 in Armorcrafting to make codpieces.)
To summarize: If you’re tired of playing slutty school girls or dancing the Macarena in your suspiciously grimy loincloth, give playing a porn starlet a try. WAR is, after all, coming.
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Any more armor would be restrictive. Just ask Conan. Better to fight naked really. =)
Extra credit for proper usage of “Dwarfs.” Loss of points for making me think of Dwarf thongs and “coming.”
What “things” are you talking about? You mean her shoulders?
Remember, WAR has to be more of everthing than WoW. Sluttier elves — something of which Blizzard could only dream — have now become reality.
Actually Warhammer Dark Elves really are pretty much all nearly naked. WAR Online is sticking pretty closely to the tabletop game on this. On the other hand, I think it’s unfortunate that Mythic has sucumb to the “no breast size below a large C cup” band wagon. I personally think a firm B cup is more attractive, and DAoC had a more natural breast size for their female models – which I liked. Not being able to get a toon without a D cup was one reason I quit Vangaurd without any regrets at all. Luckily in the concept art, both High Elves, and Humans appear to have more normal breast size – though I haven’t looked at screen shots for WAR online in probably 4 months so I don’t know whether they’ve gotten away from that or not. Honestly if all the toons look like overenhanced pornstars, I’ll just stick with more slutty school girls in CoH where you can get pretty close to an A cup if you want it
The last two Issues ( free expansions ) for that game have really rocked.
OK I went and checked the screen shots on Mythics’ website, and the Human and High Elf women are’t overly endowed and are fully clothed to boot. The screen shots of the characters look great, I’m actually excited to try it out when it’s released.
It looks like some of the chaos types are wearing pretty skimpy gear, so if you want to CRUSH like a pornstar you’ll have to play the dark side.
One of the things I love about LotRO is being able to fully clothe my characters. But wow… I thought some of the outfits in Warcraft were bad… this is, umm, well, black dental floss with some frobbies on it.
Don’t you know that Evil Chick = slut? Heaven forbid that you have the brains to wear full armor to fight Order. I find it typical yet sad that she’s wearing more armor on her head then covering her boobage. It might be true to the source material, but really, can we move on past the “only guys play games” mentality and put some damn clothes on her?
If you know anything about the tabletop, it’s only Witch Elves that fight semi-naked, and they’re blood-crazed, drugged berserkers who don’t feel pain (and hence, are immune to jiggling). Everyone else, including most female characters, really should be in actual armour – even the Dark Elf citizen levy have good quality armour.
So does that mean we get to have male berserkers running around with see-through mesh thongs to enjoy? (If we can’t tell what type of waxing he’s had done, it doesn’t count.) And no butt ugly goblin/orc or anything like that either. He has to look human enough to be sexy, not make you want to scrub your eyes with bleach. But since I don’t think that’ll be happening anytime soon, put some armor on that Witch.
Ha! You can’t find any recent news to whine about so you have to find some old news from a year ago. You need to whine about Warhammer the table game too which has been around for 25 years because they had miniatures that don’t meet your puritan standards too. Better cover up the statue of liberty too she might have some nipple showing.
Thank you tipa.
“Sluttier Elves”.
That is just beyond a good band name.
Yanno, if the title had been “Dwarfth in Thongs”, you’d all be having a very different dithcuthion.
My goblin knows he is hot in his see through mesh G-string. And nothing you say will make him feel different. You meenie.
“Ha! You can’t find any recent news to whine about so you have to find some old news from a year ago. You need to whine about Warhammer the table game too which has been around for 25 years because they had miniatures that don’t meet your puritan standards too. Better cover up the statue of liberty too she might have some nipple showing.”
Wow I didn’t know that talking about “new” computer graphics on a “new” game not even out yet was so like yesterday. Please, the game doesn’t need to be so loyal to the source material that to change the freaking graphics on one class is tantamount to outlawing booze. I love D & D but I don’t have any problem with not having nude slave girl miniatures running around my map (they’re like soooooo yesterday). As for puritan standards heaven’s man didn’t you see my post? If they would give us equal beefcake for your cheesecake I would be fine with it. Soft porn for all!
I’m sure your goblin is very sexy … to other female goblins. I just want my man-meat to be less green and tusky (I’m so picky).
… because everything else in the game is hyper-realistic.
Major entertainment media provide unrealistic and goofy images of feminine sexuality? I had no idea…
I was disappointed in the Harry Potter series that there wasn’t a single mention of how the girl wizards had to tart-up in order to cast the really, really cool spells. You HAVE to be half-naked to summon any kind of interesting, furry demon. Doesn’t Rowling know ANYTHONG (sic)?
http://www.llbbl.com/data/RPG-motivational/target92.html
http://www.llbbl.com/data/RPG-motivational/target100.html
http://www.falcontwin.com/index.html?strip=110
Well, the thing is, if you’re familiar with the tabletop game, and thus the IP for Warhammer, the main scary melee unit for the Dark Elf army is the Witch Elf. As someone mentioned above, Witch Elves are all-female, demon-worshipping, drug-crazed, blood-frenzied freaky bitches. This isn’t just a case of standard fantasy T&A. It’s SPECIFIC, lore-supported fantasy T&A.
It would be a shame to have a Dark Elf faction in the game and NOT have Witch Elves, just like it would be a shame to have a Dwarf faction with no Ironbreakers or an Orc faction with no Squig Herders. And it would be more of a shame if they wussed out and made Witch Elves more vanilla melee people, instead of the truly disturbed gothy evil skanks that they are in the IP.
Just to be clear, the post is satire. I certainly wouldn’t want Mythic to do anything that wasn’t in the spirit of the license, so if witch elves are sexy dominatrixii, then who am I to argue? Hell I might even play one. I just think this particular example is *WAY* over the top, and therefore worthy of mockery. Here for example is a miniature example I googled. Except for the party hat, her outfit is very similar to the Mythic screenshot, with the main difference being that the proportions in the miniature are much more reasonable.
@dreadmist: seriously hon, you need a hug. You also need to find a blog that you actually enjoy reading, because this one obviously brings you a lot of angst. I’m sorry I offend you so much.
Yeah, the minis are pretty ridiculous. If you look at a full unit of witch elves in formation, you pretty much just see a big jumble of fishnets, boobs, and swords with goth hairdos.
And yes, you should play one.
Because feminists who play objectified fantasy stereotypes are totally hot.
.>
::runs and hides::
I still think they need to drag the game into the present day and give at least one male class wearing a mesh thong. Or at least a kilt … come on. Us girls deserve a bare chested-muscle bound male in a itty bitty kilt! I’m sure that no one would be selling kilt checking kits at all… no sirree not us good girls!!
http://www.verymerryseamstress.com/kiltlift.htm
http://www.guiltykilts.com/LowerWaistKilt/images/low.jpg
I feel this entire post stems from jealousy over the fact that dark elves are naturally firmer than human females and thus need much less support. I’m sure I read this fact in a source book somewhere.
It’s biology, people. Get over it!
@Vail
I’m sure if there was a type of character or unit in the tabletop game that was a musclebound guy in a g-string, they’d probably be in the game. Lobby Games Workshop for some sort of beefcake mini in the tabletop game, and then maybe Mythic will add it in an expansion.
There are dwarves who don’t wear shirts, but that’s probably not what you’re looking for.
I will pull out my toothfloss undies and take a picture of me wearing those while weilding a katana and send them to you, if that will make you feel better.
Al Sharpton. In toothfloss undies. Ya know what? I think I’m gonna take a pass on that.
@Moorgard: I’m not jealous. I mean…I bet they’re not even real. She probably throws up when she eats too. Oh and I hear she’s easy. But I’m totally not jealous…
I don’t think most fan boys are ready for mesh thongs yet. If Crotch-gate in the comics taught us one thing, most guys faint when characters don’t look like a Ken Doll “down there”. Maybe in a few years…
…I wasn’t really planning on sending you photos…
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