Rock. Paper. Scissors. The Motion Picture.
I love Variety, but I was never interested in G.I. Joe. So I’m not sure why I followed the link I found at (the always interesting) Kill Ten Rats, but I’m glad I did. Because I found this gem:
WMA is also helping Hasbro with possible movies based on such properties as the board games “Monopoly” and “Battleship.”
Okay, Monopoly is a stretch but then nobody thought you could make a decent movie out of a theme park ride either. On the other hand they tried to make a movie out of Clue, which I’m told pretty much did not have one. The odds of a Monopoly movie being good are low but not out of the realm of possibility.
But…Battleship? The game that’s an abstraction of naval combat, where winning involves random bouts of attrition through blind guessing? Three words come to mind: Straight To Video. I mean come on. Americans aren’t just going to pile into a movie theater because it uses a familiar name brand are they? Um…they’re not, are they?
Oh hell. Sign me up. Here’s the pitch: Bruce Willis is Captain Blue. He’s a man on the edge, and he doesn’t take shit from nobody. Samuel L. Jackson is Captain Red. He plays it by the book, and he’s only days from retirement. Captain Blue is unstoppable, Captain Red is immovable. The stakes? Civilization as we know it.
The trailer:
NARRATOR In a world. Gone mad. 150 pegs. 10 ships. And two men. Are about to SINK… CAPTAIN BLUE (Barely whispering) B…7. FIRST MATE (Looks at CAPTAIN BLUE in disbelief) Sir. That’s…that’s madness! NARRATOR …Your… CAPTAIN BLUE (Grabs FIRST MATE by the shirt and screams in his face) B7! That’s an order mister! Suddenly warning klaxons go off. There is a low-pitched rumbling sound, and both men slowly look upwards. SCENE: A giant red CGI peg speeds down towards the earth. Re-entry flames cascade all around it, and the camera shakes with the intensity of the re-entry. We follow the trajectory of the giant peg towards the rapidly rising ocean, and then we see a gray blip in the water that quickly becomes a Battleship. Just before impact the screen goes black and the music crescendo’s. The “Battleship” logo explodes onto the screen. NARRATOR …Battleship!
BATTLESHIP. A Brian Singer Film.
This film is not yet rated.
August 30th, 2007 at 6:34 am
aaaand, CUT! PRINT! SHIP!
August 30th, 2007 at 6:38 am
I, personally, enjoy the Clue movie. It’s not life-chaning or anything, but its amusing. And the multiple ending thing really gets me. Its one of those things that, on a rainy weekend, if it were on TV and no games were screaming to be played or my wife wanted to watch it, I’d sit through it and enjoy it.
Now… if Monopoly were done as a campy comedy, I guess it could be good. Battleship. That one baffles me. They could just make a WWII movie about the Atlantic, if they wanted. Then call it Battleship, I guess. Or maybe they could make it like Cloak & Dagger where the game is real for some kids? Bleh.
August 30th, 2007 at 6:49 am
I’m holding out for the Candy Land feature film… or Chutes and Ladders.
August 30th, 2007 at 6:51 am
I dunno, if the Minesweeper movie is any indication, the Battleship movie should do well — I see it as a spiritual sequel.
August 30th, 2007 at 7:01 am
I’ll hold out for the collectors DVD.
Word is that you get special edition pegs with little 1/4″ faces of Bruce and Samuel on the top.
August 30th, 2007 at 8:41 am
I’d go see if just for the chance that Sam Jackson says, “I’m tired of these motherf***ing pegs on my motherf***ing boat” Or gratuitous nudity, as long as it’s not like “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind” where every time you think you might see a boob, they cut to Sam Rockwell’s butt. I can’t stand people playing with my emotions like that.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:01 am
I’d go and see it. Totally.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
Wasn’t there already a cartoon of Chutes & Ladders? Though a live action flick where people randomly fall down wholes to god knows where could be fun … for about twenty minutes
August 30th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
Sounds more like a Michael Bay movie to me; lots of explosions used to cover up a non-existent plot.
August 31st, 2007 at 6:18 am
This definitely has Bay written all over it, he’s perfect for it. When I saw Singer’s name attached a small part of me died inside. I’ll forgive this oversight if you have zombie seals feeding off the crews at random intervals.
August 31st, 2007 at 6:39 am
Funny stuff, Amber. But you’re all being too literal/linear. The ships and pegs aren’t what are at the heart of a game of “Battleship.” It’s trying to figure out the psychology of your opponent. Is he a “ships on the edge” guy… a bit risky in the short-game, but a good long-game maneuver against a less experienced player. Will he put two ships on the same row? Butt-up against each other? Or separated by one little space?
Hmmm… that’s pretty boring, too. Never mind.
August 31st, 2007 at 8:54 am
Screw the movie…i wanna see THAT trailer. It sounds good as is…..pitch this idea to MTV’s VMA’s. THis would be a nice intro to the new movies category. Or the movies based on game category.
I like the pegs droping from space….literal but it works. Kinda like an outer limits theme or TZ.
September 2nd, 2007 at 10:38 pm
You………have…….WAYYYYYY too much time on your hands! Slackin on Warcraft?
Everytime I think of Sam Jackson I think of John Travolta….THANKS! Now I can only picture the two of them at a restaurant playing battleship reciting bible verses……Pulp Fiction: Battleship!
FOR THE HORDE! (sorry…lately that goes in every comment on every blog I comment on for some reason!)
September 3rd, 2007 at 12:33 am
Well it’s already been done.
Twice.
September 7th, 2007 at 8:06 am
Clue! Please give the Clue movie a chance. I found it charming and hilarious and have watched it many times over the years. Tim Curry, Madeline Kahn, Christopher Lloyd, and many other great comedians are in it.
September 10th, 2007 at 6:10 am
I remember a cartoon of the game Dungeon’s and Dragons back in the 80’s, as well as the film version that came out a few years back. If these new Game-to-Movie ideas will match the fate of D&D, those who see it are in trouble.