Ramblings From The H-Wuh
One of my little side hobbies is writing—or trying to write—screenplays. I have about 3 printer paper boxes1 full of stuff in varying degrees of finished, which is to say unfinished, states. The script for Kind of a Big Deal, for example, was a squishing and re-shaping of about 5 different of these abandoned pieces. It also has the dubious distinction of being one of the few I’ve completed.
Anyway, last week I cashed a check that turned my side hobby into a below-minimum wage job with no benefits. Someone actually bought an original script from me. No shit. Seriously, no shit. So last week I found myself in, of all places, that magical mystery land known to those of us in the biz as Hollywood. It also goes by Hollywood for people outside the biz, which—now that I’m in the biz—is complete bullshit. I think I might start an insider movement where we in the biz start calling it “The ‘Wood” or “The H-Wuh” or something pretentious like that. I’m gonna see what Steve thinks. That would be Stephen Spielberg. You know, one of my fellow insiders.
This just in…I’m being told that there is already an insider name for Hollywood…which is…I’m being told that I’m not actually an insider, so I don’t get to know the name. Also…Steve…sorry—Mr. Spielberg—eats krill like me for breakfast.
I’ll bet they call it The H-Wuh. Fuckers.
In the interest of truthiness I have to admit that I was actually in L.A, not Hollywood proper. But I wanted to do the H-Wuh shtick.
Anyway, everything you think you know about how movies are pitched? Absolutely true. Except there are no Velociraptors or Richard Gere, which I thought was strange. But there is a blond chick with faux Prada and faux boobs toting a real clipboard, just like I always imagined as a child.
Since my script doesn’t actually belong to me anymore (*Sob!* And yet…yay!) all I can really tell you about it are those two little words that will send you fleeing from this blog like roaches from a 2am refrigerator light: Romantic Comedy. See? I knew it. Fine. You can run but you can’t hide. I have your goddamned IP address, ok? Alright then, take your seats again please.
Anyway, as I was saying, movie pitches are teh scary. I should know, I’ve been to exactly one of them and they’ve all been scary. You are sitting in front of a bunch of (well, 2) producers who make no secret of the contempt they feel right now towards you for making them late to their avocado nostril dip or their anal hair waxing or whatever the hell it is that producers are pissed at you for making them late to, and you can’t help but think of that episode of Star Trek where Captain Kirk is trying to explain to the little glowing brains about the Constitution (We!..THE PEOPLE!) or some bullshit like that, and they’re all betting fucking quatloos about how much more perspiration her foundation can soak up before she just starts ripping her script into little pieces of confetti while collapsing into a sobbing puddle of Max Factor goo like so many before her. Meanwhile Prada chick just keeps scribbling away into her goddamned clipboard every time you take another belt of Evian. And you’ve been drinking a LOT of Evian, so now you have to pee.
And of course they’ve read the script, so they already know what you’re going to say. (The joke’s on them because they have absolutely no idea that the first word out of your mouth is going to be “cock,” followed by 17 seconds of absolute silence. Cuz that’s how me and Sanya roll, bitches.) They also know what they’re going to say after your pitch, and it is this: We love it. We think it’s absolutely perfect. Don’t change a thing. Except for just a few small things. And those few small changes would be pretty much everything in between the title sheet and the back page. Everything else is perfect. Oh except the title. The title sucks. So does your font.
Ernest Hemingway once wrote a story that reads in its entirety:
For sale: baby shoes, never worn.
He called it his best work ever.
Fortunately Hemingway didn’t have to pitch it to a tiny conference room full of (2) producers and a bimbo with fake boobs and a clipboard while he had to pee so desperately bad he was starting to jaundice. I, on the other hand, will be locked away in my apartment for the next 4 days, wishing I were leveling my Hunter, but instead gutting my own best work ever in order to turn it into something more “commercial.” Have I mentioned I’d pretty much sell out my own mother for a minimum wage job as a writer? Well I would.
Tangentially, I’m pretty sure I saw Andy Dick. Which is strange because I always had him figured for New York. Whatevs. He (or someone who looks a lot like him only shorter) was ahead of me and my agent2 at Subway. He ordered a 6 inch tuna on Italian Herb and Cheese. No cheese, untoasted, with lettuce and tomato. I also ordered the tuna on Italian Herb and Cheese, thinking maybe I could say something clever like “hey…um…we both ordered a sandwich. With…um…bread…and stuff.” Instead I said “cock,” whereupon an uncomfortable silence settled in.
§
1Yeah I could keep it all on CD, and I do. But there’s something magical about a box of paper that you can not only peruse through when the mood and alcohol strikes, but you can thow your back out with it on moving day too.
2 By the way, my agent, who I only met in person last week because he’s never made any money off me until now, hates my blog. He says it’s a drain on my creative energy. He’s going to be so pissed when he reads this post. Giggle.
Well done.
I might have to stop talking to you now though.
If I were the producer, it probably would have gone like this:
You: Cock.
Me: Sold. Good Meeting.
It’s an unwritten rule; if you write, you have a big box of your work. Mine contains 3 horrendous rewrites of the same sucky novel. I should have used “Cock,” as my opening paragraph. NOW it’ll be plagiarism. Thank you SO much Amber for stealing my best work ever, before I even thought of it.
Remind your agent that your talent is like that of an exceptional athlete. You must train to enhance your capabilities. No one expects Maria Sharpova to hit the tennis courts just to look good. Plus, if he where successful in getting you to stop blogging, he would get e-mails from all your fans with just the word, “Cock.”
You are a strange, cinnamin flavored cookie, Amber.
@Dragon: No, I think I have to stop talking to *you* now. Dahling. =P
@Digran: When Kevin Smith pitched “Zack and Miri Make a Porno” the producer bought it as soon as Smith said the title. Smith replied “don’t you want to know what it’s about?” and the producer said “what more do I need to know? Sold!” Of course it probably didn’t hurt that Smith had previously pitched less interesting titles like “Chasing Amy” with success.
@Jeep: The fact that he took me to a business lunch at Subway should be an indicator of my status as a client. I think he thinks less of me as a Sharpova and more of a reason to get a new cell phone number.
That’s fucking great. Congratulations! Your agent can die in rejected pile and be replaced – you just need a few more writing credits first. I’m kidding agent, or am I?
Andy Dick is disgusting.
The words of Peter Griffin (with some modification) come to mind.
Quoted for great truth…
hehehe truth…
hehehe truthiness…
HEY LOIS! Truthiness!
Your agent should be slapped repeatedly if he thinks that you keeping this blog is stiffling your creativity. The first rule of being a writer is “read a lot.” The second rule is “write every day. It doesn’t matter what you write. If you have nothing to say, write a couple of paragraphs about how you have nothing to say. The important thing is to keep working the writing muscle.” Your agent should be THRILLED that you have an outlet and excuse to write every single day.
Then again, he took you to Subway for a business lunch, so he may just be an idiot.
Congrats on the sale!
Well he landed me a sale, so he’s not an idiot. He also reads this blog so ixnay on the dioti-ay. /em throat slashing motion
Also you’ve forced my hand, so I have to explain we were severely crushed on time, I hadn’t eaten anything since the previous day, and my blood sugar was really low. Subway was the closest and fastest thing around.
Any chance of teen yellow poncho of justice being picked up? It should come on right after smallville.
Yeah. The whole “he took you to Subway for a business lunch, so he may just be an idiot” sentence was actually going to be a joke.
But, while I was typing it out, an alarm went off informing me that one of the servers had just gone down so I hit submit intending to come back and edit finishing the thought… forgetting that I can only edit comments on my own site.
Don’t worry Rao I’ve been called worse….in the last half hour.
Subway was a ritzier place than where I was going to take her. R42 at one of L.A.’s trendiest soup kitchens.
Points to the Evil Agent for owning the hate. Seriously. It was a joke, I know, but still.
Congrats, too, Amber. I hope this is the first of many for you. Uh, scripts. Not neccesarily, you know, agents. Er… My Chucks dont taste so good. Must find a crowbar…
w00t! Congratulations to Amber and the Evil Agent (let’s face it, if this works everyone gets the $$).
The next time you are down in The Wood you’ve gotta tell me. I’ll drive up and get you some Quiznos to show you how us rich folk roll.
Seriously though, this is awesome. As someone who writes, and is married to someone who writes, seeing it click for anyone is fantastic!!
Does this mean that there is hope for my Zombie Space Monkey Robots Attack!! pitch? Now that you are on the inside I’d love to know what you and Steve think…
Damn!
that’s kind of a great news for you dear miss – the only think i REALLY don’t understand is how it is in earth possible to order a 6 inch tuna on Italian Herb and Cheese – with NO cheese – untoasted – and without pepper O_o ?
I think you should kill your agent and take his stuff.
*whistle*
wait.. wut?
No kidding, the guy is a talented agent, cuz he is yours.
Congratz Princess Amber !
The problem came when I saw “Subway” mention coming right on the heels of a successful sales pitch. My caffeine-deprived mind suddenly had a mental image of Amber and “The Evil Agent” all dudded up in fancy clothes walking into Subway and that dude from the commercial “wins” again and throws his coke all over the both of them.
What can I say? At the time, it painted a humorous image in my head.
Oh well. I’ll take the ‘my bad’ in this instance and extend my apologies to “The Evil Agent.” No offense was intended.
@Rao: We both got a good laugh out of your comment, neither of us took offense.
@Grimwell: Oh great. Another Zombie Space Monkey Robots Attack!! script. Okay, just put it in the pile with the other Zombie Space Monkey Robots Attack!! scripts.
Congrads Amber..
Romantic Comedy? Well, you have proved beyond a doubt that you have the comedy nailed.. The bent tennis racket (not so) mute testimony to your romance skillz..
Unlike most men, I like the occasional romantic comedy, especially when the comedy outweighs the mush.. 10% mush is a nice figure, and of course soundtrack makes all the difference in the world.. Examples? Wimbledon and Something’s Gotta Give.. F’ing smart writing..
Anyway, we all already thought you were in disguise anyway, Amberlin Entertainment, of course…
Cock.
erm… what I mean to say is: Comedy is about the only place you find quality writing in H-Wuh these days.
Erkht….. you’ve gotta keep this quiet or someone will kill me for saying it in public… most men don’t mind the occasional romantic comedy. The problem is that there is always an Aliens With Giant Breast Implants Bikini Attack!! (yes, ‘attack’ is always followed by ‘!!’ it’s mandatory) film at the same theater. Romantic comedies are good, but how does it compete with AWGBIBA?
Romantic comedies are the lesser of two goods. Unless they are written by Amber, then they are opening worldwide to a billion people because we cannot resist the opportunity to watch some hottie hitting a dude with a tennis racket and thinking “Mmmmmm, Amber.”
Maybe it’s just me?
Wow Amber, This is wonderful news for you! Congratulations. We (your dedicated fans) already know you have tons of talent, but it is time for us to share you with the world. You have to expect a little possessive jealousy directed towards the cause of this event *points to evil agent*.
OMG would’t that be cool?!
Sadly, the chances of it making it into your local multiplex is small. On the other hand, I’m optimistic that it won’t be “direct to video” either.
Evil Agent is telling me I can say one more word about the screenplay: genre. That is all. Damn I hope this thing gets made in my lifetime because it’s driving me crazy!
“Kind of a Big Deal” had a script??
Anyway, congratulations, and don’t forget to thank us all when you accept the academy award.
May Bob Saget be cast in the leading role (after he escapes from the basement).
Sure did. You think I can just improv anti-semitism? Advocating the beating of the homeless is hard work!
Hmmm…I’ll see if I can find it and post it for posterity’s sake.
Big time congrats, English majors with unfinished scripts in our shelves (like myself) can look on you with jealousy/hate.
Screenwriting prof had a number of interesting stories about pitch meetings. One example was “Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger are Twins” got picked up immediately. And the “Exorcism of Emily Rose” got picked up by playing a tape recording of the real event. So “COCK!” may not have been the worst move.
Also, I recommend watching Barton Fink, you know, for the dream-crushing.
I hate to split hairs but wasnt the episode of Star Trek where the brains are betting quatloos different than the episode where Captain Kirk was reciting the constitution which was different than the episode where Yeoman Rand rips up her script into confetti and collapses into a sobbing puddle of max factor? Im a stickler for continuity.
i just got done watching kind of a big deal, and if the script they want to buy is as good as that after all the rewrites they will inevitably have you do, then with the budget they can back it up with, it should be an awesome movie. and yes, im a guy and i like romantic comedies… deal with it.
I remember when Amber was cool and funny, back before she sold out to THE MAN! I’ll cherish those old memories and try not to cry too much now that she’s a greedy, capitalist, attention escort. Us “little people” will go back to our boring lives and reminisce about the time when this blog didn’t suck…
Wait, I think it always sucked. So much for nostalgia.
Love from your #27 stalk… er, fan,
-Psychochild
P.S. Congrats. Now you’re doomed.
Thanks Brian. I’m really hurt though. You used to be at #26. What happened? I can change!
This would probably be a good time to mention my new sponsor, featuring the stunning Metro7 Women’s Tunic for only $14.99! I wear my Metro7 Women’s Tunic whenever I’m writing my next blockbuster screenplay, and so can you! And when I’m feeling a bit blue, or too happy, I just head on over to the pharmacy and stock up on my little green and blue friends. So drop in on my friends at WalMart and tell gramps at the front door that I said “help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” Ha! I kid! I love gramps!
(The other writer says:)
I sold a love sonnet for $20 from my Etsy store last week.
(very long pause)
And my mom loves me.
(even longer pause)
Oh, never mind. Congrats. Kinda. Whatever.
Balls.
[...] Night took a trip over to the Wood and has some excellent news in her personal [...]
Ohhh that Metro7 top would look really good on pretty much any professional female model. Then again nearly everything looks really good on most models