I Help People. It’s What I Do.
From: J.D.
To: Amber Night
Subject: Can you insult my roommate?
Hi Amber,
My roommate is a fucking slob. His name is Kris and he plays wow all the time and even when he is supposed to be in class. He plays Hoard. He barely pays for his half of the rent because his mom sends him money and he never helps pay for beer and groceries. He leaves his shit all over the house and never picks up after himself. He has blue eyes and blonde heair and likes to wear baseball caps. He has a goatee. His name is Kris.
You are my only hope thank you!!
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Hey Kris, you filthy, lazy, ball-cap wearing, goatee-sporting Tauren humper. Get off your Aryan ass and get a job. Also stop flinging shit around the house. It’s unsanitary and you could totally get pinkeye. Left untreated, pinkeye may lead to blindness or reduced vision. I guess what I’m saying is that if your eyes start getting red, itchy, and inflamed, you should seek medical attention immediately. And speaking of red, itchy and inflamed, get your mom’s pimp to send more money so you can help with the groceries.
Good luck J.D.!
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Thank you Amber, you have just made my day. 10 minutes cleaning up my keybopard and monitor are a small price to pay for such comedy gold
Hah! What a brilliant idea. I think it’s important, Amber, that you deliver this service to the world. It makes me glad that things like this occur. You’re making the world a better place. We should send this service to, like, uh… South Africa and, uh… the Iraq.
@Regnak1969: Keyboard and monitor washing: it’s also what I do.
@Ben: Dear the Iraq, please stop terroristing, bff luv USA.
That should pretty much solve that problem. Don’t know why it took me to come up with it. Sheesh.
JD: Maybe try a Long, Harsh Insult. But only if you really care enough to send the very worst.
PS to Amber: Not really trying to pimp my warez here. Just being helpful. If anybody buys a “Long Harsh” and mentions your name, I’ll donate the wad to a charity of your choice.
I love it. Above all, DO NOT TAUNT long, harsh insult!
(Habitat for Humanity if anyone really does take you up on it. It turns out that the government doesn’t think “Amber’s Malt Liquor and Americone Dream Fund” meets the federal guidelines for actual charity status. Stupid government.)
I always use this automatic rant generator when I’m miffed at someone, imagine their befuddlement when they try to work out what is being said and whether it is a joke or not.
Obligatory first post comment: I really like this blog Amber, awesome stuff.
Honest..
Trust me..
Would I use the anonymity of the intarweb to lie?..
Amber, perhaps you could try The YPoJ as a registered charity, fighting for the rights of injured drakes, caused during in flight fracas with beautiful women with wispy she-mustachios
Amber, Amber, Amber. You have to work religion into it if you want full-on charity chubba. Try this instead: “Amber’s Malt Liquid Worship Fluid and Americone Spirit Dream Fund”
may be the best post ever…