A Very Special Halloween Episode of Yellow Poncho of Justice Kidz
EXT. FRONT PORCH—NIGHT.
We see little 5 year-old AMBER standing next to her MOM. It’s really goddamed cold because we’re in Denver in freaking October. We can see bits of Amber’s Yellow Poncho of Justice costume poking out from behind her parka, snow pants, and snow boots.They are on the front porch of a suburban ranch-style house. Amber’s arch-nemesis, EATER OF SHADOWS lives here. Amber is carrying a plastic pumpkin filled with candy wrappers that are partially melted because of the incredible speeds at which their contents were siphoned only moments after hitting the bottom of the receptacle. There are a couple jack-o-lanterns beside the door, lit internally by candles.
But maw-awwwm! Why we gotta come here?
Because honey, we told the Shadows’ we’d drop by. Besides, don’t you want to see your little school friend?
(Pouty)
He’s not my widdle fwiend! He eats paste.
Suddenly the porch lights FLICKER and the CANDLES inside the jack-o-lanterns are extinguished by a CHILL WIND. The front door swings open, revealing a SWIRLING VORTEX OF ABSOLUTE EVIL, if a swirling vortex of absolute evil had been drawn by a 5 year-old using those really fat crayons you have to use before they let you have the smaller ones. This swirling vortex of absolute evil seems to have been drawn with lots of purple, blue, that poop colored one, and “flesh.”
Wittle young to be twick oh tweeting, aren’t you Yewwow Pontho of Juthtith?
AMBER
Say it don’t spway it!
MOM
Well hello Eater! I just love your costume!
AMBER
Yeah, weaw owiginal. Wooks wike ath.
Mom hands Eater a plate of homemade baked cookies. Amber glares first at her mom and then Eater of Shadows as the plate is passed.
MOM (cont’d)
Now tell your mom that I’ve written the recipe on an index card, but it’s at the bottom of the pile, so you’ll have to eat through them all first!
Mom snickers one of those little “I made a funny!” snickers.
AMBER
Can we go now?
MOM
Actually honey, you’re staying here with the Shadows’ tonight while mommy and daddy go to a costume org…I mean party.
AMBER
(looks to the sky, arms outspread)
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
EATER OF SHADOWS
Excewent. Now you wiw feew the pain of—
AMBER
Dibs on the Nintendo.
She elbows her way through the door.
EATER OF SHADOWS
Fool! You see, I antic…antic…I knew you would do dat, so I took the wiberty of hiding the contw—
OFFSCREEN:
Found it!
EATER OF SHADOWS
(clenching tiny little fist)
Curses! You win thith time Yewwow Poncho of Juthtith. But I thall…OH! Chocwit chip, my favowit!
§
(A Very Special Halloween Episode of Teen Yellow Poncho of Justice)
October 31st, 2007 at 8:24 am
You didn’t eat paste when you were 5 years old?!
October 31st, 2007 at 8:41 am
I don’t understand you Americans and your strange Halloween rituals!
October 31st, 2007 at 9:07 am
Interesting use of the “Offscreen” slug there, Ms Night. I understood normative convention to put (O.S.) after the character’s name.
Not that I’m implying that you’re in anyway conventional. Strange, odd and peculiar, yes, but never conventional.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:19 am
You are correct. I think “OFFSCREEN:” is an older format. I pulled it from a “how to” book that I picked up from the library a few years back, and for some reason it’s stuck in my head. You’re not the first to ding me for it. Guess I’m just old skool, yo. =P
Oh, and it looks like I did the same thing in the first Halloween YPoJ post too. Duh.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:48 am
The OFFSCREEN: slug is outdated. Another rookie mistake is that you centered your dialog. The characters names are supposed to be centered but the dialog under the characters name is left justified underneath the character name. I forget the exact tab stop but you can email me if you want me to look it up. No offense but I’m surprised anyone bought a script like that.
October 31st, 2007 at 10:01 am
I’ll try not to bristle too much, but yeah…I know how to format dialog. This is a limitation of HTML. I centered the dialog because I don’t know how to left-justify it in the center without resorting to tables or other HTML ickiness.
The script I sold wasn’t formatted in HTML. It was also run past an agent and his army of flying monkeys before being submitted. But really, I’m surprised that you’re surprised. You do realize that *somebody* (Lion’s Gate actually) paid money for Monster’s Ball. Somebody else thought Hally Berry deserved an Oscar for her part in that train wreck. And in yet another bold move, someone actually greenlit Ghost Rider with Nicolas “I have the acting range of a stapler” Cage. So it surprises me that anything Hollywood does would surprise you.
October 31st, 2007 at 10:28 am
It is very easy to do tables in HTML. You should learn if you want to be taken serious as a screenwriter. You never know who will look at your blog. I have written many screenplays but I have not posted any of them on the web because I don’t want them to be stolen. Who is your agent? Did you get permission from the studio to post this part of your screenplay? If you need help with HTML you can email me.
October 31st, 2007 at 10:40 am
You should not be writing your dialog with your characters lisps and such. This is for the actor to interpret. Instead just say something like “Amber speaks with a child’s lisp” and then write the dialog as normal.
October 31st, 2007 at 10:42 am
Are you somehow implying that Monster’s Ball is better than Ghost Rider? I mean, he makes a bunch of jokes about his head being on fire! What else does a movie need? Certainly not believable characters or an interesting plot.
October 31st, 2007 at 10:42 am
Eater of Shadows first speaking line needs a blank space before it.
October 31st, 2007 at 10:44 am
…Wow. So Zenith, obviously not a long-time fan of this blog, eh? Nor able to detect jokes?
Besides, the original comic book versions of Yellow Poncho of Justice are way better than the movie. Hollywood totally changed the core of YPoJ.
October 31st, 2007 at 11:04 am
That’s cool I’ll have to check the comic out. Is it still in print? Who is publisher? I can detect the jokes. I’m just trying to help. It is probably funnier if you can read the whole script but I don’t think her agent would allow her to post the whole script. Plus people would try to steal it. I have many years of experience with writing screenplays and just offering my experience. Who is your agent Amber?
October 31st, 2007 at 11:14 am
@Zenith: This is not part of the screenplay I sold. It’s not part of anything. Just a random post.
@Dave T: You are truly truly evil. Please bear my child.
October 31st, 2007 at 11:29 am
Now I want cookies…and I can’t make any until after the little cretins, I mean trick-or-treaters, are done! Curses YPoJ!
October 31st, 2007 at 11:49 am
Man, it’s been a looong time since I last played a Nintendo console (and I mean the good ones, SNES to name one). I’m getting nostalgic now…
Curses indeed, YPoJ.
October 31st, 2007 at 12:43 pm
I can’t decide who I like better: Zenith or Hunter
October 31st, 2007 at 1:02 pm
Was the comic a limited run or self published? I can’t find it anywhere. Not even Mile High Comics and they’re gigantic. Amber if you want I will take a look at any writing you would like proofread. I have been writing screenplays for years and know what they are looking for in a script. I can send you some of my work too and maybe you can pass it on to your agent if you like it. It’s always good for writers to look at each others works.
October 31st, 2007 at 1:32 pm
Zenith,
Amazon might have a few copies left. Check EBay too. A lot of sellers use the YPoJ comics as packing material so buy a cubic zirconia or an old iMac and you might get lucky.
If you send anything to Amber don’t make the same mistake I did. Make sure you get her to sign an NDA first. Otherwise your ideas will conveniently wind up as her own. For instance in the second comic, the moon-sized space station used to destroy planet Aldooine was my idea. Don’t trust her for a second! But you guys should really exchange writing. It will only make you stronger.
October 31st, 2007 at 1:53 pm
So, to recap, it isn’t entirely safe to drink a soft drink at the same time as reading another YPOJ episode.
Zenith can play both “pompous” and “I’m just trying to help” in alternating posts.
Dave snarfles and giggles over “my head is on fire” jokes in movies.
Zenith has been writing screenplays for many years and wants to know the name of Amber’s agent.
Amber wants to have Dave’s spawn of pure unholy evil.
Zenith has been writing screenplays for many years and wants to know the name of Amber’s agent.
Vandroiy has a penchant for Nintendo and cookies… and curses YPOJ for both.
Zenith has been writing screenplays for many years and dammit Amber… if you won’t give him the name of your agent, will you please, please, please, please pass along some of his writing to said unknown agent?
Moxcamel is owed 300 bagillion dollars from George Lucas… and 50 cents from Amber because they are both idea thieving cretins.
And Rao is being sarcastic, so no one get their tighties in a twist please.
Oh yeah… I nearly forgot… Amber, I have been writing rejected works for many years. Little Amber’s correct dialogue should have been, “He’s not my widdle fwiend! He eats paste… and picks his nose… and, and, and… he’s a big stupid head!”
October 31st, 2007 at 4:40 pm
i can see the wicked gleam in your evil little eye, hear the snark in your voice.
oh btw .. you owe me a nickel for the screen wipes ..and bite of your sandwich
and who the hell murdered Zenith’s sense of humor I think thats the real crime here.
October 31st, 2007 at 7:29 pm
Hey I don’t need Amber’s agent. I just wanted to know who he is in case I’ve heard of him before. I have an agent already. I offered to pass my stuff to her agent so to get better coverage. If you know anything about the biz you would know is just how it works.
moxcamel I don’t see anything on Amazon or Ebay. I guess it was a small print run. Amber you should scan your copies and put them on the web to generate yourself some publicity. Your agent should have advised that. I always require NDA when I am working with another writer. That is just obvious. I am here to offer my experience, she doesn’t have to take it. My feelings won’t be hurt and its less work for me.
November 1st, 2007 at 6:12 am
O dear lord, as usual the comments are as enjoyable as the blog, thanks guys you brighten my otherwise cloudy afternnon!
Amber, thank you, I have been away from YPoJ for too long, and he was sooo cutsie when Eater was a little vortex of pure evil, ahhh
November 1st, 2007 at 7:27 am
This is painful to watch. So painful.
<soapbox>
On learning HTML tables: As this script is not tabular data it SHOULD NOT BE IN TABLES. If you used tables, Zenith, for something like this, you might look more like a legit script-writer, but it is possible you would be laughed off the internet.
Amber, if you’re really, really, concerned, you could put your text all in a div, left justify it, give it a width of, say, 70% and left and right margins of auto. I think that’d do what you want it to do. However, I’m not sure what the correct format really looks like, so I’m guessing, here. Personally, I’d leave it and call it close enough, since it’s, well, what it is.
</soapbox>
Very funny. And, Zenith: Wow, dude. Wow.
November 1st, 2007 at 7:48 am
@Ben: Since I started this blog I’ve learned far more HTML than I ever wanted to know. I’m amazed that it takes so much effort to do such a simple task as typesetting, especially in a platform (Wordpress) specifically designed for writing. But as you say, it’s close enough. It gets the general idea across that “hey look, it’s a script!” and that’s fine by me. For those who are unsatisfied, I offer a 100% money back guarantee.
@Rao: Nailed it.
@Zenith: I think your agent would be extremely unhappy to hear you were handing off works to another agent. It sort of defeats the purpose.
November 1st, 2007 at 8:34 am
Dibs on the pure-evil “Damber” Spawn!
November 1st, 2007 at 8:37 am
No frikin’ way! That would totally devalue my complete mint-condition collection (including the rare Yellow Poncho of Justice and the Fruity Deliciousness sponsored by Hostess) and alienate us loyal fans even further than this so-called “adaptation” of the original classic issues. I bet they won’t even get Jeeves’ backstory right.
November 1st, 2007 at 8:50 am
True story Dave: I had an artist who was going to draw up a one page “Hostess” ad for a YPoJ post. I wrote up a quick 6 panel story line about how YPoJ saves Marshall Tanner from the clutches of EoS’s evil minions by essentially throwing fruit pies through their heads like those throwing star things. It was gonna be awesome! Unfortunately he got busy and we were never able to finish it. Someday maybe.
You know, you collector fans are the worst. I didn’t spend $150 at Kinkos just so my comics could sit in a dust protector on somebody’s shelf. There are a lot of starving kids in Australia who would love for nothing more than to read a YPoJ comic. Well…and eat. But reading a YPoJ comic is right up there too. You selfish bastard.
November 1st, 2007 at 8:58 am
I thought some of the limited editions were printed on edible paper? It was really revolutionary back then to mix world-values with commercialism in such a broad and cutting edge statement.
November 1st, 2007 at 11:22 am
Bartoneus, they were available on edible paper. Unfortunately, us test readers/eaters ended up with too many paper cuts from the sharp wit and sarcasm!
November 1st, 2007 at 1:30 pm
You are wrong Amber. Wait until you are in the biz for a long time before you start handing out advice. There are many ins and outs and different ways to do things that take time to learn. An exclusive relationship with your agent is only one way to do it. There are others.
November 1st, 2007 at 1:31 pm
Sorry you have an exclusive with your agent it sounds like he took advantage of a rookie. My agent is more concerned with success than keeping me as a cash cow.
November 1st, 2007 at 1:34 pm
Dave the value of your copies will not go down just because it is on the web. People know the difference and you cannot just print out a web copy and make people think it’s a real copy. Matter of fact your mint copies might increase in value if there is publicity.
November 1st, 2007 at 1:42 pm
Wordpress is terrible for typesetting. You should use Microsoft Word. Or you can buy specialized screenwriting software like Final Draft or Movie Magic but Microsoft Word is just fine and it can do more than just write screenplays.
November 1st, 2007 at 1:43 pm
LOL TimBr
November 1st, 2007 at 2:46 pm
AUGH! MY EYES!!!
November 1st, 2007 at 3:07 pm
BEST
FKING
POST
EVER
@rao: Thank you. That made my day!
@Zenith: are you for real? serious?
As for when it comes for typesetting online it WOULD be easier to just drop by your friendly neighborhood warez-pirate and pick up an unlicenced version of Dreamweaver. Just saying. No-one has to know
November 1st, 2007 at 3:10 pm
Zenith- please let me know when your screenplays are made into movies. From what I’ve seen in these comments, your writing talent and ability to create believable characters will definitely translate into a movie that I have to see. Do you still make tvs and vcrs too, or did you have to give it up for the glamorous writing life?
November 1st, 2007 at 3:43 pm
Well, I think the playground just got a new member. Let the drama continue.
/me sighs in contentment
November 1st, 2007 at 4:28 pm
Thank you Dave. You might see my movie sooner than you think. I have a lot of interest in my latest screenplay. It’s an action/adventure that might remind you of some classic Errol Flynn or Harrison Ford movies.
November 1st, 2007 at 4:46 pm
OMFG Zenith is Steven Spielberg! Everyone BE COOL!11!!
November 1st, 2007 at 8:49 pm
“This is GOLD, Jerry! GOLD!”
OMFG this just made my week!
November 2nd, 2007 at 5:15 am
Wouldn’t you die? I would just die.
November 2nd, 2007 at 7:51 am
Is it possible to permanently ban someone from your blog?
November 2nd, 2007 at 8:06 am
I mght be willing to sell my special limited collectors edition of YPoJ - I got it signed by Bob Saget. It’s not personalised so it’s fine. (It should have been - I asked for him to write “To Dragon, with love” but it reads more like “Dear god, please help me get out of here. Call this number and tell them where I am!” It could be his handwriting though.)
November 2nd, 2007 at 8:13 am
Don’t worry Amber set me straight. Sorry everyone for the multiple comments, sometimes my brain runs in full throttle and I just have to keep talking. It’s why I’m a good writer. I will try to keep to only 2 or 3 comments per day.
Haha no I am not Steven Spielberg but I have a feeling he will be directing one of my movies one day.
November 2nd, 2007 at 9:29 am
The Diddler: A Biography
directed by steven spielberg
November 2nd, 2007 at 9:33 am
Cute, Amber. Very Cute. Amber reminds me of my niece when she was little.
November 5th, 2007 at 8:39 am
Best comments ever.
Zenith, have you written anything we might have seen or heard of? It would help us understand your perspective a bit better. What do you put at the bottom of your query letters?
November 5th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
Due to the Writers Guild strike, I can’t talk about my works right now.
November 5th, 2007 at 2:23 pm
I hope it is over soon!
November 5th, 2007 at 3:12 pm