Chariots of the Ainur
From the press site for Quest for Middle Earth:
Ongoing recent discoveries by archaeologists and historians have found evidence that indicates that elves, giants, dragons and even hobbits once existed on earth. Norse legends, Sumerian texts and the discovery of hobbits and giant eagles on the island of Flores indicate that the Lord of the Rings may be more history than fiction.
No. Seriously.
Dirk Vander Ploeg in his new book, Quest for Middle-earth, has researched scientific, biblical and historical texts to discover if J.R.R. Tolkien had secret knowledge of earth’s early history and if he based the Lord of the Rings on this knowledge.
Yeah well thanks Mr. Vander Ploeg, but we didn’t need the “publisher of www.ufodigest.com, one of the Internet’s oldest and most popular UFO and paranormal online magazines” to tell us what we already know, namely that Viggo and Aragorn are the same goddamned person mmkay?
But just in case you need more convincing, Mr. Vander Ploeg also bridges the gap between The Holy (fucking) Bible and…um…Clash of the Titans and Space Ghost.
The Bible and the Book of Enoch tell of a group of angels that descended from heaven and took women as their wives. They bore children that were taller, stronger and more intelligent than normal. These children were the demigods (half mortal and half god) of historical Characters with names like Achilles, Apollo, Hercules, Jason and Thor became the heroes of our myths and legends and superheroes of their own movies, television series, cartoons and comic books.
The agents of Sauron or Skeletor (or hell, maybe even John Travolta) have been unable to stop this self published masterpiece from wending its way onto the Amazon, so get yours now before Cate Blanchett finds out. You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.
November 7th, 2007 at 11:32 am
Cate Blanchett with the one ring was absolutely hot. She’d fix this writers guild thingie.
November 7th, 2007 at 12:20 pm
The next thing you’ll be telling us is that Cthulu and Santa Clause will be forming a tag-team to battle Jesus and Flash Gordan in order to stop the second coming. But unbeknownst to anyone, David Bowie and Papa Smurf have already planned a coup de ta in order to accomplish world domination.
We’re all doomed.
November 7th, 2007 at 2:07 pm
I’ve believed that middle earth was real ever since I discovered pipeweed.
November 7th, 2007 at 2:54 pm
LOL JuJutsu, different weeds have different effects on people. I drink some tea and re-watched some Star Gate DVDs (finally my friend borrowed me the entire first season and the movie), and found it might be entirely fiction!
November 7th, 2007 at 7:28 pm
The real story here is that someone is named Dirk Vander Ploeg.
November 7th, 2007 at 7:34 pm
Read two paragraphs into this fascinating material, and you’ll also find a link to “san graal,” the “sacred (royal) blood,” i.e., The Cup, ie., The Holy Grail, i.e., Jesus’ son by Mary Magdalen. Which also puts you in the middle of a 6,000 year old conspiracy theory involving Egyptian architects, the Templars, the Masons, the French Revolution and the Boston Tea Party.
This book’s got it all. Disco pants and hair-cuts, too.
PS: LOFL at JuJutsu. When I discovered pipeweed, I also discovered that it should not be mixed with dwarves… from Terry Gilliam films.
November 9th, 2007 at 11:18 am
It sais quite alot about the level of scientific fact when you use the bible as reference. And manage to link the “evidence” from the bible to LoTr, I mean holy shit! That’s gotta be 16 different kinds of blasphemy! Gabriel was an elf! And somehow related to Achilles! Which means he must at some point have been an in-law to Angelina Jolie!
Snootchie-bootchies!
November 11th, 2007 at 11:15 am
Yea seriously LoTR and the bible are so far apart…I mean, LoTR was only written by an extremely Catholic man….BLASPHEMY!