Amber Night (rebooted)

They like me. They really really like me.

In a truly bizarre coincidence (I’m sure!), no less than 24 of you emailed me last night (mostly from university accounts, which makes me suspect substances were involved) with complaints that during the entire span of 2007 there has not been a single story on this blog about FreeBSD.

This will not stand.

I have no idea who Rafal Jaworowski is. I have no idea what a “Committer” is. But the former is now the newest of the latter, and congratulations are in order. Unless being a Committer is a bad thing, in which case shame on you Rafal Jaworowski, you really let us down. Wear your new title with pride/shame!

I also only have the vaguest of ideas what a FreeBSD is (other than from one of my emailers who passionately insists it is not fucking Linux!), but it does have a cutesy-wutsey little Fogliosh mascot who looks like he could probably kill the cutesy-wutsey penguin with his adorable widdle pitchfork, but would probably just hug him instead. So, you know, there’s that.

Completely unrelated to the topic at hand: it only now occured to me that in just under a week it will be 2008, and I will no longer be able to date my checks with a cool European 7 in the year field. You know, that’s where you make a normal American 7 and then put a little horizontal slash through the middle. Now I’m going to have to find other ways to be passively-aggressively pretentious. Perhaps my newfound FreeBSD friends might have some suggestions…

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Reprinted from last year, because I got nothin’ this year. Happy holidays!

(With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore.)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the secret headquarters
Not a machine was a’buzzing, not even the teleporters
The ponchos were hung in specially made cryogenic poncho receptors with care
In case evil should strike, and Justice should be there

The sidekicks were all tucked, snug into their bunk
Dreaming of tights, capes, and that sort of junk
And Bob in the basement, and I in his lap
We’d just settled down for a little nightcap

When out in the command center, there arose an alarm
I quickly rushed in to see what was the harm
Away to the Ponchomobile I ran like the shizzle
Threw on the turbo, the guns, and the missile

The city was calm, no riots or zombies,
And even the mutants were home baking cookies
When what to my Heads-up Display should I gauge,
But a gang of evildoers robbing an orphanage

The leader was foul, and his eyes were all day-glo,
I knew in a moment, it was Eater of Shadows!
More rapid than hobos, his henchmen they came,
And he whistled and shouted, and taunted my name

“Now Masher! now Clubber! now Killer and Stabby!
Ice this dumb broad, before I get crabby!
To the back of her head, watch those katanas!
While I make my escape, I’ll bail you mañana!”

And with one of those things you see in James Bond,
Eater rocketed away, leaving our hero quite pwned.
But with two henchmen down, and the other two vanquished,
The Yellow Poncho of Justice wasn’t quite finished

A bundle of orphans had weighed the villain down,
So our hero caught up, and then, oh yes, it was on!
His eyes how they twinkled! “I’ll destroy you, I swear!”
I punched out his lights, then I messed up his hair

The orphans they cried, and imparted their hugs,
I said “Stay in school, and please don’t do drugs!”
Then I patted their heads and pinched their small cheeks,
While they all rolled their eyes and coughed out “geek.”

I sprang to my vehicle, in the cool morning dew,
Then took to the air, only scorching a few
But I heard them exclaim as I headed out, pronto,
“Thanks for saving us all, but what’s up with the poncho?”

Scene: The local Subway. The eatery, not the ridery.

Weird things happen here in my little hamlet on the coast. We don’t have our own Slayer or even, as far as I know, a Watcher, but then Vampires tend to be less of a problem than the ever pervasive BMW and Lexus drivers anyway. And let me tell you what, they don’t just disappear into a puff of dust when you stake them. No they do not. There is screaming. Lots of screaming.

The woman in front of me is wearing a Santa hat. Her own personal sandwich barista is struggling to make the requested sandwich because a) she appears to be at about the 1.4th hour of her Subway career, and b) she speaks almost no English. Point b) is a source of annoyance for Santa hat-wearing lady, as the rookie requires constant translation from her more senior co-worker. She (Santa hat-wearing lady) taps her foot in time with her own shriveled heartbeat, and breathes out audible sighs of impatience, signaling her utter disbelief that it should take anyone more than 2 minutes to make a 6″ toasted Turkey Breast and Ham with I said bell peppers dear, not banana peppers sandwich.

Finally, as the end product is being inexpertly wrapped, Santa hat-wearing lady launches in to her parting shot, just like you knew she would. “You really need to start hiring people who speak English!” she snaps to the co-worker who—and I could be wrong—does not look like she’s in charge of any human resource related decisions. “That’s what we speak here,” the woman huffs at the newbie as she grabs the sandwich and her change, and beats a hasty retreat.

It is only when she swings away from the register to storm out, baggied sandwich held like a freshly toasted trophy of war, that I notice her sweater. It is a festive red and green, emblazoned with glittery cursive letters that proclaim “Peace on Earth.”

Take that, ActiBlizzard. Apparently Lord of the Rings Online: Shadows of Angmar has been such a hit, that in addition to three spin-off novels and movies, New Zealish director Peter Jackson (The Frighteners, Meet The Feebles) has been hired to helm two additional movies, tentatively titled The Hobbit and Title to be named later. The screenplays are said to be based on the lives of the player-selectable race of Hobbits, which are loosely based on the Halfling race from Sony’s Everquest and Everquest II online games.

In this blogger’s humble opinion, it would have been a good idea to wait until much closer to the movie’s release before making the novelization available, but it’s quite possible that this is just the first of many viral ad campaigns we can expect to see in the coming months.

The burning question is, of course, with the recent death of actor Richard Harris, who will now play the role of Ian McKellen?

Congratulations Turbine!

Why we can’t have nice things, part 64,982 in a series:

OTTAWA (AFP) — The post office and police in Canada are searching for a “rogue elf” believed responsible for mailing filthy letters to children on behalf of Santa Claus, officials said Friday.

A handful of reply letters to children who wrote to jolly Saint Nick contained comments such as, “This letter is too long, you dumb s***.”

Canada Post spokeswoman Cindy Daoust told AFP: “We firmly believe there is just one rogue elf out there responsible for the letters. In our history, we’ve never had a problem of this nature.”

The crack Amber Night Megalomedia investigative team leapt immediately into action, totally did not see that footstool over there, picked themselves back up, looked around to see if anyone noticed, headed over to the medicine cabinet where they keep the Bactine, and then resumed walking calmly into action. Our lost layers of epidermal tissue are your gain, as we present the top Filthy Elf Letter excerpts, an Amber Night exclusive:

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Those cookies sound delicious! I’ll make sure Santa knows to look for them on the dining room table. It sounds like you and your mommy had great fun making them. So…what are you wearing?

Dear Jake,

Due to unfortunate circumstances, my employer Mr. Claus has been deposed and executed by revolutionary North Pole Bolsheviks. Due to these circumstances, all of his personal bank accounts and other assets have been locked. As his designated attorney, I am authorized to retrieve the 20 million dollars locked away in these accounts, but I need a third party to assist in its recovery. This is where you come in…

Dear Katey,

Santa will be at your house at precisely 11pm. Reindeer are sick, so he will be driving a green Pacer. Meet him around the side of the house. Santa asks that you please make sure to wear the ‘Ho Ho Ho’ outfit, enclosed.

Dear Jeffery,

Pokemon? Seriously? Dude, that is so ghey.

Dear Sammy,

Santa wants you to know that he appreciates that there will be milk and cookies during his visit to your fine home. But as you might be aware, Santa’s having a hard time deciding which list you’re ultimately going to wind up on. So here’s the deal. There’s a dime baggy in your dad’s sock drawer. If that baggy were to somehow end up on the milk and cookie platter, I might be able to put in a good word.

Dear Kevin,

Santa usually delivers presents, and is ill-equipped to remove them. However, Santa might know a guy. Roll her up in a carpet, leave the money and the “package” on the back porch, and for fuck’s sake do not panic.

This should go great with mom’s famous crab latkes.  (And yes, I know this isn’t strictly Christmas shopping.  Bite me.)

(Also, yes, yes, I know, this is lame. I’m trying to find time to write something substantial. Stay tuned!)

For the man who has…um…“everything.”

(NSFW if your boss/coworkers is/are 16th century Puritans.)

Game industry giants Activision and Vivendi recently merged. We asked the gamer community: What’s in it for you?

Homer Braithwaite, Misdemeanor Bounty Hunter “Look, Blizzard had plenty of opportunity to nerf Warriors. Clearly something had to be done. I for one welcome our new Activision overlords.”	Kiko, Scantilly-clad Student Activist “Finally Blizzard will be large enough to sue EA/Mythic for stealing their Warhammer idea!”
Mr. Winky, Unseelie Lord of the Couch “Wait. I’m confused. How is this Sony’s fault again?”	Jefferson Armstrong, Automotive Pornographer “If they think they can steal my ‘Tony Hawk Ultimate Call of Murloc Hero Challenge’ idea, all I have to say is I’ve got lawyers and they will be in touch, Mr. Kotick.”

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« More Gamer Voices

Life in the Oh Zee, Yo

I’d like to say that Tin Man’s biggest problem is that it tries too hard to be hip and nextgen, but sadly this is only one of its many problems. No, the biggest problem is that it tries to be too much of just about everything. It’s like someone took any Disney movie, Firefly, Blade Runner, and a dash of Star Wars, threw it in a blender, and then threw out everything that is endearing about the original story. Visually, Zooey Deschanel (who was great in Almost Famous) is the perfect Dorothy. Er, “D. G.” in Tin Man speak, because, you know, full names are reserved for the lah-hoosers. But whether it’s a lack of direction or just a bad script, calling Deschanel’s performance “lackluster” would be an insult to those without luster everywhere. The same can be said for everyone else, including the title character, the Tin Man. Alan Cumming as “Glitch” (the scarecrow archetype) does better, but it’s not enough to save this disaster. From Munchkins who are possibly even more insulting than the original Munchkins, to Toto who is Uncle Remus reborn, to what-the-fuck-flying-cleavage-monkeys, Tin Man seems to have had lofty goals and great intentions but only manages to land a house on Frank L. Baum’s original masterpiece.

And Polar Bears, Oh My

I managed to score a free advance peek at The Golden Compass, and still wanted to ask for a refund. Occasionally intriguing, it’s ultimately uninspiring and generic. Too much in-your-face CGI polar bears and…well CGI just about everything else that’s either not nailed down or not human, not enough character in the characters, and a storyline that only occasionally makes sense. What really kills this movie though is pacing. It’s slow, expository, and often listless. If you’re a holiday movie completest, then I suppose you’ll have to see this movie. Otherwise, save your money for Hellboy 2 or The Dark Knight. They might suck too, but at least you won’t need that extra gigantic Mountain Dew to keep you awake.

I Can Has More BSG Pls?

Ron Moore and crew gives us hope that the bulk of the previous season’s mystical acid trip story arc really was a fluke. Battlestar Galactica: Razor picks up where the Pegasus saga left off, and fills in all the delicious details. It’s old school new BSG (does that even make sense?) at its best, and pulls us back into the horrors and difficult choices that made the first season of BSG so powerful. Michelle Forbes reprises her role as the frackin bad-ass Admiral Cain, and much of the Galactica cast are back too. But this time around it’s all about the Caining. Admiral Cain is such a strong character, it was hard to let her go the first time, and even harder to let her go the second time. She’s sympathetic, tragically flawed, with more dimensions than you can shake something multi-dimensional at. (Note to J. K. Rowling: this is how you make someone’s sexual orientation relevant to the goddamned story.) Razor does a masterful job of making us love and hate her even more than we did before, and clears up some of the fuzzier and unexplored details from the original 2-part episode. The visuals are fantastic, the story is so much more than just a “prequel,” and the interplay and conflict between characters leaves you wanting more.

Also, if you’re a fan of the original 1970′s series, there’s a couple surprises in Razor just for you. If you missed it, it’s out on DVD right now. Have someone stick it in your stocking.

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