The Filthy Elf Diaries
Why we can’t have nice things, part 64,982 in a series:
OTTAWA (AFP) — The post office and police in Canada are searching for a “rogue elf” believed responsible for mailing filthy letters to children on behalf of Santa Claus, officials said Friday.
A handful of reply letters to children who wrote to jolly Saint Nick contained comments such as, “This letter is too long, you dumb s***.”
Canada Post spokeswoman Cindy Daoust told AFP: “We firmly believe there is just one rogue elf out there responsible for the letters. In our history, we’ve never had a problem of this nature.”
The crack Amber Night Megalomedia investigative team leapt immediately into action, totally did not see that footstool over there, picked themselves back up, looked around to see if anyone noticed, headed over to the medicine cabinet where they keep the Bactine, and then resumed walking calmly into action. Our lost layers of epidermal tissue are your gain, as we present the top Filthy Elf Letter excerpts, an Amber Night exclusive:
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Those cookies sound delicious! I’ll make sure Santa knows to look for them on the dining room table. It sounds like you and your mommy had great fun making them. So…what are you wearing?
Dear Jake,
Due to unfortunate circumstances, my employer Mr. Claus has been deposed and executed by revolutionary North Pole Bolsheviks. Due to these circumstances, all of his personal bank accounts and other assets have been locked. As his designated attorney, I am authorized to retrieve the 20 million dollars locked away in these accounts, but I need a third party to assist in its recovery. This is where you come in…
Dear Katey,
Santa will be at your house at precisely 11pm. Reindeer are sick, so he will be driving a green Pacer. Meet him around the side of the house. Santa asks that you please make sure to wear the ‘Ho Ho Ho’ outfit, enclosed.
Dear Jeffery,
Pokemon? Seriously? Dude, that is so ghey.
Dear Sammy,
Santa wants you to know that he appreciates that there will be milk and cookies during his visit to your fine home. But as you might be aware, Santa’s having a hard time deciding which list you’re ultimately going to wind up on. So here’s the deal. There’s a dime baggy in your dad’s sock drawer. If that baggy were to somehow end up on the milk and cookie platter, I might be able to put in a good word.
Dear Kevin,
Santa usually delivers presents, and is ill-equipped to remove them. However, Santa might know a guy. Roll her up in a carpet, leave the money and the “package” on the back porch, and for fuck’s sake do not panic.
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lawl @ footstool… (that is SO me, btw). So… About this package pick up. O.o How much does Santa charge for this service?
Sign me,
Intrigued…
I am more intrigued about the “Ho, Ho, Ho” outfit. Pics?
I’ll bet Chris Hansen would love to show them to you.
See what happens in countries that celebrate Thanksgiving on the wrong day?
I tcould have been worse, the rohue elf could have promised the kid everything on the list, that would have put the parent in a bit of position!
haha footstool…who said physical comedy is dead
AMBER OMG!!
LMAO, seriously i laughed sohard i almost passed out, but damn it go’s to show why the canadian post office normaly dosent alow those serving custodial & probational sentences to answer letters to santa.
The Rogue Elf
http://zarcharama.blogspot.com/
Oh I can’t hold tears from my eyes this is so funny, I have to say I love Rogue Elfs. I laughed as hard as when I saw Root Berry’s show on my vacation trip.
Amber, a warning sign should be posted on that blog, people with heart conditions might have some artery popped.