Amber Night (rebooted)

Seriously, it’s exactly like this, except not so much with the “love it.”

http://view.break.com/509422 – Watch more free videos

Dave said he’s writing a review, so I won’t steal his thunder. But if you play the Passively Multiplayer Online Game, I’ve written my first mission. So go now my pretties, and revel in the power and the glory that is Bob Saget. (To actually revel in the power and glory, you’ll need to sign up for PMOG and get the Firefox plugin.)

Update: Dave’s review is up, and it’s a great synopsis of PMOG. Go read it.

Another update: Someone stuck a PMOG portal over on Broken Toys called “Amber’s Brain.” I took it before I checked to see who the author was, so whoever you are mystery portal creator, thanks for the link. And if anyone knows how to get a list of portals, or a history of portals you’ve taken, please share.

According to his website:

CrevoScope is a text-based game of strategy, community, wit, and commitment against a backdrop of the modern creationism / evolution debate. Represent your ideology – your destiny lies in front of you. Choose to become a renowned and knowledgeable scientist, a devout biblical scholar, a powerful orator, or remain moderate and balanced. Compete against other players to prove your side to be the more powerful, and join forces with other players to ensure your faction’s domination.

You level up by winning debates against your chosen enemy. Which is initially intriguing, until you discover that “debating” means “rolling a virtual die.” Here’s how it works:

To gain exp you must debate other people and win. To debate someone go to the crevocafe and click debate. Next find a person whom you would like to debate and if you are capable of debating them a yes will be next to their name. Click this yes to debate them and see who wins.

That’s it. That’s how you pwn teh n00bz in CrevoScope. Here, for example, is a transcript of my “debate” with aklouk90. Mind you, this isn’t a blow-by-blow account. I clicked on the “debate” link, and this is the text that displayed:

You turn toward aklouk90 and say “How could Noah possibly fit all those animals into a small boat?”
aklouk90 replies to your argument with “Well… um… all that matters is that he did!”
amber smiles with victory.

aklouk90 says his own argument: “If we evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?”
You think for a moment and say “Scientists say that we evolved from chimps, not monkeys! I guess that God of yours didn’t decide to give you a brain so you could realise this, huh?”
aklouk90 nods, enjoying seeing his opponent make a complete fool of himself.

Once again, you challenge your opponent: “How could Noah possibly fit all those animals into a small boat?”
aklouk90 replies to your argument with “Think about it, God is all powerful, he could have used a variety of ways to fit the animals in- He could have shrunk them, make the boat larger, or many other possible choices. He is God afterall!”
amber seems to be annoyed, un-satisified with the answer, but uncertain how to respond to that.

aklouk90 wins the debate!

I’m not even going to get into how somebody with more than a middle school science education could possibly lose this argument, but apparently my text-based avatar is a dumbass.

There are other problems with the game. For starters, successful “free” games usually operate by the rule that “our game is free, but we’ll make it slightly easier on you if you pay us a little money.” Crevoscope, through it’s use of “fossils” as the real monetary unit in the game (you can also earn in-game cash, but it’s insanely easy to farm), makes it darn near impossible to compete on any level unless you’re willing to either refer other players or “donate” real cash. These are the only ways to acquire fossils, other than trading for them. This is a huge design flaw. Because everything except fossils can be obtained through free play, nobody in their right mind would trade a fossil to a free player for something they can get already. So at some point (and as it turns out, very early in the game) you’re going to have to put up some real cash. And if Crevoscope offered any hope in the early game that the later game was worth paying for, that would be one thing. But between the horrible “debate” system (which should really be the hallmark of a game that purports to simulate the creationism versus evolution argument), poorly written and typo-laden dialog, and overall poor design, there’s just nothing there that makes me want to check out the areas that paying real-world money would open.

What really dooms Crevoscope is simply that it does nothing well. The interface is primitive and gives no sense of an actual community. There is simply too great a disconnect between the mechanics of the game and the realities of the ideologies to make Crevoscope a convincing “simulation.” (In fact, an argument could be made that The Super Columbine Massacre RPG is a better simulation of the complexities behind the Columbine attacks.) The writing is repetitive, uninteresting, and at a minimum should have at least been spell-checked.

And lest I be accused of picking on the little developer, let me just say that I think the core idea is at least interesting. But Crevoscope as it stands now is, at best, alpha quality. It’s simply too immature, and too broken, to be asking for players to spend money on it. Now is the time to be gathering player feedback, scrapping the “debate” system for something that’s actually fun, and polishing up the interface and community experience. Right now Crevoscope is only now pulling itself out of the primordial ooze. In a world where there are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of web-based games competing for your microdollars, it will need to either adapt quickly or…um…be kicked off the ark.

This rates right up there with Buddy Holly.

Linked from the front page of my local paper’s website as “Breaking News”:

Monterey log: Robbery in parking lot
The Monterey County Herald
Article Last Updated: 05/22/2008 07:04:03 AM PDT

5/5/08 Citizen reports a known individual to have robbed him in the parking lot at

2400 block of N. Fremont. Taken were a pair of sunglasses and $20 in cash.

Citizen also reports being assaulted by another known individual.

Reiland

9:18

08-2433

211 PC 772

5/5/08 Case cancelled by OFFICER VANETTI. Vanetti

10:28

08-2434

Cancelled Case 590

by Officer

5/5/08 HAGEMAN, ROBERT was arrested for public intoxication. Vanetti

11:29

08-2435

647(f) PC 590

5/5/08 CASE, DAVID MICHAEL cited for allowing his dog to run loose unmuzzled. Cristobal

12:30

08-2436

6-28 MCC 660

5/5/08 MPD reports finding a black plastic “Husky” socket set in the intersection of

Pacific and Madison.

Fitzsimmons

12:57

08-2437

Found Property 263

5/5/08 Suspicious circumstances. Fitzsimmons

14:21

08-2438

11358 HS 263

5/5/08 MPD towed a brown 89 Ford truck for being parked over 72 hours from Encina

near Palo Verde.

Guinvarch

15:46

08-2439

22651(k) CVC 127

5/5/08 MPD towed a 89 Siema trailer with boat from Encina near Palo Verde. Guinvarch

15:46

08-2440

22651(k) CVC 127

5/7/2008

Officer Vanetti: Hero of the people.

Just across the bay, Santa Cruz is burning. But hey, fuck Santa Cruz. It’s off to page 3 with you.

A few years ago, due to a massive lapse in judgment, I actually bought The Matrix Online. You think I’m kidding, but I’m not kidding. I gave them my credit card number and everything. I didn’t actually start playing until the free trial ran out, so after about 2 weeks of playing on my own dime, I decided it was time to stop the madness. I went to the website to cancel my account, like you do, only to find there was no mechanism in place to cancel my account. It wasn’t even in the FAQ. Try to comprehend this. There is no way to cancel your account, and the game is hemorrhaging players faster than something that hemorrhages a lot in a short amount of time. How is this NOT a FAQ? How is this not an OPTION?!

I finally found a post in the forums—from a player, not a CS rep—that said the only way to close your account was to call their customer support line. And so I called customer support, and after waiting for (if memory serves) a goddamned ice age, I spoke to a really nice woman. We’ll call her Trinity. Upon hearing my request to close my account, Trinity robotically professed her disappointment that the game hadn’t lived up to my expectations, and she was authorized to give me a free month of play if I would stay. No? Are you sure? How about a Lexus? Still no? Okay, but before I close your account, I need to ask you these eleventy million fucking questions. And so because Trinity was my only hope to “unplug,” I answered her questions over the next (if memory serves) Pleistocene era. And finally the deed was done.

The take-away here was that Trinity really could have given a shit if I stayed or went. She got paid her state mandated minimum wage either way. She had a script, and she followed it to the letter, because the call was undoubtedly recorded for “quality assurance.” And although the game was so fantastically awful that I don’t think even my wild imagination can conceive of a scenario of return, any customer on the fence would have definitely been pushed out of the yard after running that hellish gauntlet.

Trinity and the people like her . The problem is that every single company in this industry has been running customer support the same exact way since day zero. You pay bottom dollar, and (with few exceptions) you get what you pay for. You give them retarded scripts they can’t deviate from, and you set them and their customers up for failure from the moment they answer the next caller in the queue. You don’t let the customer service rep interact with your customer, you let the process (created by people who do not, in fact, interact with customers) interact with your customer.

All of which is a long winded prologue to my main point: If you are one of the people responsible for perpetuating this eldrich cycle, you need to go read this:

Zappos has also mastered the art of telephone service—a black hole for most Internet retailers. Zappos publishes its 1-800 number on every single page of the site—and its smart and entertaining call-center employees are free to do whatever it takes to make you happy. There are no scripts, no time limits on calls, no robotic behavior, and plenty of legendary stories about Zappos and its customers.

…

So when Zappos hires new employees, it provides a four-week training period that immerses them in the company’s strategy, culture, and obsession with customers. People get paid their full salary during this period.

After a week or so in this immersive experience, though, it’s time for what Zappos calls “The Offer.” The fast-growing company, which works hard to recruit people to join, says to its newest employees: “If you quit today, we will pay you for the amount of time you’ve worked, plus we will offer you a $1,000 bonus.” Zappos actually bribes its new employees to quit!

Why? Because if you’re willing to take the company up on the offer, you obviously don’t have the sense of commitment they are looking for.

So who are Zappos anyway? Are they some cool technology startup that’s going to revolutionize search engine techology or widgets for your iPhone that let you not only check the weather but control it? No. They sell shoes. They sell shoes for fuck’s sake. Shoes! On the internet. And they are raking in a billion dollars a year.

So think about this the next time you start lamenting the churn rate in your CS “pit.” (Amber’s tip ‘o the day: If you have a customer support “pit,” ur doin it wrong.”) The same goes for community support people. They work hard for you, and you know they’re clawing at your door just to get a foot in, so you you know you you could get them to pay you if it were legal. Which is why many of them stick around just long enough to say they worked for your prestigious ass, and then they go and get jobs in the real world.

And if you’re going to tell me “it just won’t translate to our industry,” then I call bullshit. Because the way you’re doing it now doesn’t translate to your industry. If you can’t make the numbers work after trying to make the numbers work, then fine. But a shoe company figured out a creative solution to their customer service issues. Certainly a company that makes worlds can do better.

Starbucks new (retro, actually) logo is offensive:

The new retro logo at Starbucks is stirring controversy. The logo shows a mermaid with partially-covered breasts.

A Christian group based in San Diego called The Resistance says the logo looks like a naked woman with her legs spread like a prostitute.

(Caution: NSFW image follows!)

The Resistance, whose women presumably do not spread their scaly fish legs during coitus, is calling for a national boycott of Starbucks.

From the “The Resistance” press release:

“The Starbucks logo has a naked woman on it with her legs spread like a prostitute,” explains Mark Dice, founder of the group. “Need I say more? It’s extremely poor taste, and the company might as well call themselves, Slutbucks.

Haha, “Slutbucks.” It’s funny because it replaces one “S” word with a different but syntactically awkward “S” word. I personally would have gone with “Jezzebucks,” but that’s probably why you don’t see the Christian Right asking me to write their copy. (But I totally would! Call me!)

Bonus feature: If you just can’t get enough of “The Resistance,” be sure to check out their forums, where you can “stay Current on the DoD Hunter-Killer Robotic Soldiers” and learn the “locations of secret Concentration Camps in America.” You can also watch the “Mark Dice Demo Reel,” if you’d like to get an idea of what Jesus would do…if, you know, He were a douche.

From kilian-nakamura.com:

Sangaria started their line of fake alcoholic drinks for kids with Kodomo no nomimono (Children’s drink), and has been successful enough to offer it in bottles, cans, and even six-packs. They also expanded the product line to include children’s versions of wine, champagne, and cocktails. The beer, flavored like apple juice, even foams at the top when poured into a glass!

Because it’s gonna be funny to see the looks on their faces when they realize the real stuff tastes nothing like apple juice.

Penny Arcade has announced the release of their new (and first) game, On The Rain-slick Precipice of Darkness Episode 1:

So we can finally announce that our game will be out on May 21st. IT will be released on Xbox Live as well as our own digital games store Greenhouse. If you do decide to download from Greenhouse you can grab one code that will give you access to the PC, Mac and Linux versions. I’m super excited to hear what you guys think. If you’re looking forward to the game you should check out the new trailer over on the Xbox Live site.

The trailer is here. (Hint: Your birthday is 1/1/1970.)