To absolutely nobody’s surprise, Blizzard announces Diablo III.
Captain’s Log, personal: The zomgwantwantwant gameplay video makes me want to play a melee class for the first time in my life.
Advice from someone whose been there: Even (especially?) when you live in so-called “sunny” California, it’s a good idea to leave your windows rolled up at night. Even when there’s nothing worth taking from the inside of your car, and it would be easier to replace the factory radio than to replace the factory window…even when you park under a carport, alleviating the problems of rainfall…roll ‘em up anyway, mmkay?
This morning, as I was about jump into my contribution to the current oil crisis, I found a (wtf?!?!) raccoon sitting in the drivers side seat in my car, arms extended to roughly 5 o’clock and 7′oclock on the steering wheel, looking at me as if he were expecting me to ride bitch. A couple dazed and confused seconds later (should I give him my key, or does he have his own?), it simultaneously occurred to both of us that each of us was probably a threat to the other. And guess which one of us was blocking the only open window/escape route?
I’ve still got a helluva horror movie scream. I had the opportunity to use it once during a middle school production of “Let’s lodge a garter snake in Amber’s bra strap,” so it’s nice to see I haven’t lost the ability to make eyes bleed through sheer vocal force. I’m sure the raccoon heard it from about 50 feet away, since it took me that long to react to him launching himself out the window, off my shoulder, and onto the carport.
Meanwhile…I’m broke until payday next week, the interior of my car smells like racoon urine, and the weather forcast is for sunny and hot hot hot. This is gonna be a great weekend.
From a gold farmer, wanting to rent a toon from Cuppy:
(16:54:39) ipss...@hotmail.com the deal is free.don’t worry
(16:54:52) Cuppycake Free?
(16:55:00) Cuppycake You’ll level my character from 60-70 without me paying anything?
(16:55:16) ipss...@hotmail.com if u rent ur lvl 70 char to us ,u may get 1000g or 20$ per week.
(16:55:43) Cuppycake I don’t get it.
(16:56:58) ipss...@hotmail.com no. u can get it back.
(16:57:13) Cuppycake Ah, what do you use my character for?
(16:57:51) ipss...@hotmail.com we rent our clients’wow acc one week or so.after one week u get it back again.
(16:58:03) Cuppycake Yes, but what do you use it for?
(16:58:53) ipss...@hotmail.com we use it to hit monsters and get the golds ,then pay payment or offer lvling service.ok?
This is goddamned brilliant. If you’re a gold farmer, you undoubtedly replenish and re-level banned accounts regularly. It’s the cost of doing business, and if I had to guess I’d say it’s probably the biggest cost of running a gold farming operation. Getting a toon from 1-70 takes time, money, effort, and opportunity costs that could otherwise be spent bringing in the gold, and there’s no guarantee that the new account won’t be banned again before it has a chance to even pay for itself.
Until now.
These asshats have stumbled on to the holy grail of gold farming fleets. They will “rent” your toon from you, with promises of gold and/or cash in return. It’s all completely legit (they lie), and you won’t be banned. Until, you know, you get banned. At which time you’re going to be sorely pissed off, and your new *ahem* business partner will be nowhere to be found. Because it’s not their account that got banned, and they don’t have to level another toon. They also have droves of suckers entrepreneurs just like you who also want to get rich quick, just like you.
It’s brilliant in a very Chaotic-Evil sort of way, and you can expect to see it grow, cancer-like, into every game you play that has any economy to speak of.
From the NY Times:
“It’s a mistake to assume John McCain has no knowledge of [the internet],” [McCain's Deputy e-campaign Director] Mr. Soohoo said during a panel discussion with the Internet strategists of some other presidential campaigns.
“You don’t necessarily have to use a computer to understand how it shapes the country,” he said.
You can read more about how John McCain believes the internet shapes the country by visiting his personal blog…which he keeps in a box of erasable bond right next to his IBM Selectric.
From Serenity II: The Re-Beginining
Mal: I thought you were dead.
Wash: And I would have been if it hadn’t been for my mithril chainmail vest!
–
From Buffy versus Alien
Buffy: Spike! What happened?
Spike: Bloody thing burst right through me chest without so much as a “by your leave.”
Willow: Great. So now there’s an undead slimy parasite on the loose.
Xander: Yeah, plus whatever popped out of Spike.
–
From Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Finally Some Goddamned Vampires With An IQ Over 12 (working title)
Buffy: But they’re still just vampires. I’ll just make with the staking and the dusting, no problemo.
Giles: You don’t understand Buffy. Each of these vampires has a mithril chainmail vest!
–
From Angel Meets Firefly: How Fucking Cool Would That Be? Shiny Fucking Cool, That’s How Cool. (working title)
Angel: Who are you people and what are you doing in my city?
Mal: No need to gettin’ all twitchy now. We’re from the future. We just need to find a pair of hunchback weimaraners and we’ll be on our way.
–
From Serenity III: Shotgun Wedding.
Inara: Okay, here’s the catalog. It’s older, but it should have the best man-companions in the ‘verse for Kay-lee’s bridal shower.
Zoe: Okay let’s see. Wait a minute. Is that . . . oh my god.
Inara: What?
Zoe: That one. In the fishnets and feather boa. Holding the . . . I don’t even know what that is.
Inara: No. No, it can’t be.
Zoe: I’m afraid it is.
Inara: Says here that he specializes in . . . oh god I think I’m going to be sick.
Zoe: No wonder Shepherd Book was so mysterious about his past.
–
From Badger Badger Badger!, my concept Firefly spin-off:
Badger: See here mates. Those blind, deranged settlers back on Rattlesnake Buttes have made me see the errors of my ways. From now on we’re running this operation with respect and morality. And we’ll start by labeling the hooch and anti-freeze bottles more accurate like.
–
From Firefly: The Anapestic Tetrameter Caper
River: Whirling bees on the epoch of the all-encompassing storm! Death! Entropic vortex!
Jayne: Shut your sister up, ‘fore I shut her up myself, crazy girl ain’t right.
Simon: She’s not crazy anymore, she’s just trying out some beat poetry.
Jayne: Beat poetry is, poetry I beat you with, ’til you shut her up.
Mal: Ain’t nobody beating anyone with any poetry ’round here, least not without me doing it. Doc, you get your sister under control. Jayne, I already told you about using haiku on my boat. No more poetry and I mean it.
Jayne: Anyone want a ruttin’ peanut?
It’s a sad day for Obama supporters. The Michelle Obama “whitey” video has finally been posted, effectively dooming the Obama campaign. Try not to let your bitter, bitter tears burn a hole in your carpet.
To really and truly appreciate the “Society for the Preservation of 1990′s era Geocities” madness that inspired this electric boogaloo, you simply must visit. But have your speakers down low before you get there.
I did not, as instructed, click on the “Listen Hi.” Just sayin’, if you do, you’re on your own there.
Still, it does reaffirm my faith that even if John McCain were this very moment to tearfully reveal to Larry King his decades-long battle with Coprophagia, the Democratic Party (the membership, if not the actual cabal in charge) still has the cognitive dissonance to turn this election from mere cake walk to Sisyphean nightmare.
Courtesy of reader/blogger Dragon, who is himself a British stereotype.
The 4th Edition of Dungeons & Dragons will be unleashed upon the world on Friday. I’m told this is a big deal. Fortunately I know a guy who knows for a fact this is a big deal, and he, in turn, knows people who know things.1 So if you’re a D&D fan and you don’t want to spoil the surprise, read no further. Otherwise, save versus…you know…whatever the hell you nerds2 save against…and read on!
The Top 11 D&D 4th Edition revelations they don’t want you to know until Friday:
11. Wizards of the Coast turns otherwise costly Chinese production mistake into revolutionary “d21 System.”
10. In an effort to reach out to MMO players, “Evil” replaced with “teh ghey” in revamped Alignment system, and adventurers can spend countless hours “farming” low level mobs for coin.
9. Newly expanded tables and charts enhance the role-playing possibilities of comparing your penis to a “Magic Missile.”
8. New online tools supplement pen and paper play: your character totally gets his own Facebook page.
7. In what is sure to be a controversial decision, new core rules allow for adventure hooks to start outside of taverns, initiated by non-mysterious strangers.
6. Skinning and Sewing rulebook introduces revolutionary new crafting, farming, and dye-making system, for those play sessions where you just don’t feel like going out and killing shit.
5. New “Differential Equation” system for grappling and turning undead will require only undergraduate level knowledge of quantum mechanics, making it the easiest task resolution system yet.
4. Elves can make ridiculously hard saving throw to be “not gay.”
3. You still can’t be a Jedi.
2. Special collectors edition of Dungeon Master’s Guide bound in preserved and tanned skin of E. Gary Gygax.
1. Everyone gets a pony! That’s right, you get a pony, you get a pony, YOU get a pony, EVERYONE GETS A PONY!!!
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1Actually he doesn’t know anybody. But he did help me write this because I know fuck-all about D&D.
2Says the chick who’s already narrowed down her Halloween costume choices to either Zoe Washburne or Starbuck.