Spoiler Alert: Top 11 D&D 4th Edition Revelations
The 4th Edition of Dungeons & Dragons will be unleashed upon the world on Friday. I’m told this is a big deal. Fortunately I know a guy who knows for a fact this is a big deal, and he, in turn, knows people who know things.1 So if you’re a D&D fan and you don’t want to spoil the surprise, read no further. Otherwise, save versus…you know…whatever the hell you nerds2 save against…and read on!
The Top 11 D&D 4th Edition revelations they don’t want you to know until Friday:
11. Wizards of the Coast turns otherwise costly Chinese production mistake into revolutionary “d21 System.”
10. In an effort to reach out to MMO players, “Evil” replaced with “teh ghey” in revamped Alignment system, and adventurers can spend countless hours “farming” low level mobs for coin.
9. Newly expanded tables and charts enhance the role-playing possibilities of comparing your penis to a “Magic Missile.”
8. New online tools supplement pen and paper play: your character totally gets his own Facebook page.
7. In what is sure to be a controversial decision, new core rules allow for adventure hooks to start outside of taverns, initiated by non-mysterious strangers.
6. Skinning and Sewing rulebook introduces revolutionary new crafting, farming, and dye-making system, for those play sessions where you just don’t feel like going out and killing shit.
5. New “Differential Equation” system for grappling and turning undead will require only undergraduate level knowledge of quantum mechanics, making it the easiest task resolution system yet.
4. Elves can make ridiculously hard saving throw to be “not gay.”
3. You still can’t be a Jedi.
2. Special collectors edition of Dungeon Master’s Guide bound in preserved and tanned skin of E. Gary Gygax.
1. Everyone gets a pony! That’s right, you get a pony, you get a pony, YOU get a pony, EVERYONE GETS A PONY!!!
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1Actually he doesn’t know anybody. But he did help me write this because I know fuck-all about D&D.
2Says the chick who’s already narrowed down her Halloween costume choices to either Zoe Washburne or Starbuck.
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:14 am
No rules for hardcore sex?! WTF!!!!
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:23 am
9. Newly expanded tables and charts enhance the role-playing possibilities of comparing your penis to a “Magic Missile.”
The old game contained an item called the “Rod of Lordly Might”. No, really. I care not for your Magic Missile.
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:34 am
Beat you to it.
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:50 am
Yeah but magic missile /always/ hits it.
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:39 am
Number eight is my favorite.
June 3rd, 2008 at 11:04 am
@moxcamel: sadly, not in 4e
June 3rd, 2008 at 11:10 am
Amber Night Spoiler Alert: Top 11 D&D 4th Edition Revelations…
Over at Amber Night, there’s a summary of leaked Dungeons and Dragons 4th edition rules. Some of them are quite stunning. Like my favorite:
4. Elves can make ridiculously hard saving throw to be “not gay.”…
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:05 pm
#12: Affiliate program Ts&Cs for selling posters, t-shirts, mugs, mouse pads, inhalers, etc. with pics of your official AD&D character are now slightly shorter than the entire rule set, yet still more like actual Satanic lore than the game.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:23 pm
@moxcamel: sadly, not in 4e
WTF?!?!?! Gygax must be rolling in his grave. Gotta hurt with that big book-shaped chunk of skin cut out.
Actually I scored big yesterday. My local large book store chain put 4ed out by mistake. I was just there for my regular O’Reilly book purchase, swung by the RPG stuff and had to do a double-take. There it was, mixed in with all the other RPG books like it was no big deal. Grabbed the boxed set and ran (well paid for it first), hoping I could get out before they realized their mistake. Got through most of the PHB last night. Amber wants me to write up a review, I might do it but in fairness to wotc I/she won’t post it until at least Friday. There’s plenty of reviews out already anyway.
June 10th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
@ Lishian : Actually, there were supplementary books, non- WotC published, that contained just such rule sets. Including magic items and spells. It made some interesting suggestions about halflings being rather kinky.
August 24th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
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