Excerpts From Spec Scripts I’ve Sent To Joss Whedon
From Serenity II: The Re-Beginining
Mal: I thought you were dead.
Wash: And I would have been if it hadn’t been for my mithril chainmail vest!
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From Buffy versus Alien
Buffy: Spike! What happened?
Spike: Bloody thing burst right through me chest without so much as a “by your leave.”
Willow: Great. So now there’s an undead slimy parasite on the loose.
Xander: Yeah, plus whatever popped out of Spike.
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From Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Finally Some Goddamned Vampires With An IQ Over 12 (working title)
Buffy: But they’re still just vampires. I’ll just make with the staking and the dusting, no problemo.
Giles: You don’t understand Buffy. Each of these vampires has a mithril chainmail vest!
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From Angel Meets Firefly: How Fucking Cool Would That Be? Shiny Fucking Cool, That’s How Cool. (working title)
Angel: Who are you people and what are you doing in my city?
Mal: No need to gettin’ all twitchy now. We’re from the future. We just need to find a pair of hunchback weimaraners and we’ll be on our way.
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From Serenity III: Shotgun Wedding.
Inara: Okay, here’s the catalog. It’s older, but it should have the best man-companions in the ‘verse for Kay-lee’s bridal shower.
Zoe: Okay let’s see. Wait a minute. Is that . . . oh my god.
Inara: What?
Zoe: That one. In the fishnets and feather boa. Holding the . . . I don’t even know what that is.
Inara: No. No, it can’t be.
Zoe: I’m afraid it is.
Inara: Says here that he specializes in . . . oh god I think I’m going to be sick.
Zoe: No wonder Shepherd Book was so mysterious about his past.
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From Badger Badger Badger!, my concept Firefly spin-off:
Badger: See here mates. Those blind, deranged settlers back on Rattlesnake Buttes have made me see the errors of my ways. From now on we’re running this operation with respect and morality. And we’ll start by labeling the hooch and anti-freeze bottles more accurate like.
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From Firefly: The Anapestic Tetrameter Caper
River: Whirling bees on the epoch of the all-encompassing storm! Death! Entropic vortex!
Jayne: Shut your sister up, ‘fore I shut her up myself, crazy girl ain’t right.
Simon: She’s not crazy anymore, she’s just trying out some beat poetry.
Jayne: Beat poetry is, poetry I beat you with, ’til you shut her up.
Mal: Ain’t nobody beating anyone with any poetry ’round here, least not without me doing it. Doc, you get your sister under control. Jayne, I already told you about using haiku on my boat. No more poetry and I mean it.
Jayne: Anyone want a ruttin’ peanut?
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:19 pm
I kept expecting to see one where you had put yourself in as a character.
I think I’ve been on the Internet too long.
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Bonus Excerpt From Firefly Season 2: Two Nukes For Sister Inara
Mal: That’s it. We don’t have enough power to outrun the blast radius.
Amber: Unless…unless we could re-route power from the mule to the main gravaton propulsors.
Kay-lee: But they’re completely separate subsystems. The polarity couplers are incompatible!
Amber: Not if we diverted it through the tachyon antimatter chamber and into auxiliary power. I’ve calculated that the ablative loss would only be about 17.643%. It would give us just barely enough extra power to make it to the blast perimeter.
Kay-lee: Amber, your award-winning genius analytical mind has saved us 17 times in the past, let’s hope you’re right again!
June 23rd, 2008 at 1:07 pm
So it would be fiction, then?
June 23rd, 2008 at 5:39 pm
OK, you’ve got half of it, now you need one of the attractive male characters to fall for you to be completely accurate.
Lemme guess: “Firefly / Full House crossover”
June 23rd, 2008 at 6:05 pm
But based on true events…
@DtG: A Firefly/Full House crossover would be too dangerous to air. The sheer amount of awesometude together in one space would create a singularity that would probably swallow the planet. I just wouldn’t want to be responsible for that.
June 24th, 2008 at 6:55 am
What no furries? Phew.
June 26th, 2008 at 2:31 am
Aw man! Furries would be awesome! Do want!
July 9th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Oh Amber, I do so love you muchly!