- Michelle Obama managed to get through her entire speech without attacking “whitey,” which of course makes her a flip-flopper.
- Hey John Kerry: 2004 called and desperately wants to know why the fuck you saved this shit for 2008.
- Hillary Clinton choked down enough bile to feed…well a whole lot of whatever eats bile. Sigorney Weaver on hand with flame thrower just in case things get out of hand.
- omgomgomgomg Barrack Obama made a surprise appearance…to the Democratic National Convention. How weird was that?
- Joe Biden: “McCain is a war monger just like Bush.”
- Joe Biden: “Obama will nuke the holy fuck out of Russia because it pleases him.”
- Barack Obama is so cool that he’s going to give his acceptance speech tonight at Mile High Stadium in front of a bunch of greek pillars. In a toga. And sunglasses. Standing on a pony keg.
Not that I deserve your forgiveness. Not after what I did. It’s ruined…all ruined, and it’s all my fault.
There’s absolutely no explanation for my behavior. I am a bad, bad person. God, I don’t even know how I can live with myself. And really, why should I? I should just…I don’t know…
Oh god, and now it’s leaked:
He just wanted eggs. He told me the day before, and again that evening when I was chaining him back to the sleeping post. “Amber, this roast is very important to me,” he said. “And the perfect start to the perfect day is a nice plate of scrambled eggs.” Is that so fucking hard? I mean…it’s not even like I had to pull it out of the chicken’s ass…this time. (Oh god there was so much blood…) It’s not like we’re living in that stupid cabin in the hills anymore. We’re in an abandoned factory now. There’s a goddamned Ralph’s just a half mile away. How could I be so STUPID?!?!
Bob, honey, you know how I don’t think so good since I stopped taking my meds? Well I walked the aisle for hours…”what was it again? Breakfast food, right?” In the end I came back with a bag of pinto beans, a Woman’s Day magazine, some Big League Chew, a bottle of calamine lotion, and ironically, 2 packs of L’eggs because I wanted to look nice for the big day. You were right hon, you can’t cook a fucking pair of nylons up in a frying pan. I know that now. I do.
It didn’t help that I kept asking you in the car, “do you know your lines? Do you? Maybe we should go over them again. I mean, I know you wrote them, and you’d been studying them for hours on the studying rack, but…I don’t know…I just thought maybe one more reading would have been good. I get a little compulsive like that, I know I do, and god Bob, I’m just so sorry. Maybe we could have just gone over the lines one more time, you know?
I knew Grammy’s incontinence didn’t allow for shoots over 12 hours, but she was so looking forward to it. You kept telling me to get a professional actress, but did I listen? No, I didn’t, and now it’s all ruined, just like the chair they pulled her out of.
To be fair though Bob, I had no idea the bird was in therapy for conflict avoidance issues. I’m not saying it was your fault, because it wasn’t. It was completely my fault, and I should have checked into his background more. I’m just saying that sometimes you come across a little intimidating, you know? Oh, but—haha!—this is funny: when you called him a cunt, he actually popped out an egg! Isn’t that funny? Haha! Because…you know…you wanted eggs, and…well…you’re right, it wasn’t really funny at all.
And I don’t even know what to say about the set. You’re right. It was all fake. I told them Bob. I told them “Bob wants a REAL set.” I told them, and I told Ari “Bob only works on real sets,” but he just kept saying “are you sure Bob knows his lines?” And I was all like “of course Bob knows his lines, he fucking WROTE them!” I did get Full House girl though. I did it for you hon, I was hoping to surprise you. I mean…I did good there, didn’t I? Huh?
A policeman and a former corrections officer say that on Friday they will unveil evidence of what they claim is their biggest find ever: the body of Bigfoot.
Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer [worst Eastern European names EVAR! -Amber], a pair of Bigfoot-hunting hobbyists from north Georgia, say they found the creature’s body in a wooded area and spotted several similar creatures that were still alive.
The carcass of the furry half-man, half-ape is 7 feet, 7 inches tall and weighs more than 500 pounds, they say. However, the two are not disclosing the exact location of their discovery to protect the remaining creatures.
And once Georgia’s abonimable army finishes feasting on the fear-etched corpses of the invading Russian Army, their cold, simean eyes will turn Eastward. As if by some unspoken signal, they will begin their long, unstoppable march across the frozen Russian planes. Strong men will flee at their approach, old women will weep, and children will huddle in the dark, trembling at the drum-klicka! drum-klicka! drum-klicka! of their thunderous, claw-laden feet. There will be nothing left to stand between their hulking masses and the world’s most abundant supply of hawt, hawt women.
You pays yer money and you takes yer chances, Mr. Putin. But this time you picked on the wrong state. We’d have given you Massachussets or even Vermont. But we kinda like Georgia. They have peaches and Dolly Parton I think. So, you know, it’s on now.
This is so batshit insane, even Orson Scott Card has got to be saying to himself, “wow, that’s more batshit insane than the batshit insane thoughts that course through my batshit insane brain!”
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals plans today to announce an unusual marketing pitch to the U.S. government: Rent us space on the fence for billboards warning illegal border crossers there is more to fear than the Border Patrol.
The billboards, in English and Spanish, would offer the caution: “If the Border Patrol Doesn’t Get You, the Chicken and Burgers Will — Go Vegan.”
“We think that Mexicans and other immigrants should be warned if they cross into the U.S. they are putting their health at risk by leaving behind a healthier, staple diet of corn tortillas, beans, rice, fruits and vegetables,” said Lindsay Rajt, assistant manager of PETA’s vegan campaigns.
This opens up so many advertising opportunities for PETA:
- They could buy advertising space outside Tbilisi that say “If the Georgian Army doesn’t get you, the pelmeni and pierogis will! So…um…go back and eat your own goddamned pelmeni and pierogis…but without meat cuz it’s bad, mmkay?”
- Outside the bird’s nest: “If the smog and militant human rights abuses don’t get you, the kung pao chicken will!”
- At the Democratic National Convention: “If his effeminate elitism and terrorist middle name don’t get you, Obama will kill a million puppies with his bare, effeminate hands!”
- At the Republican National Convention: “He’s oooooooold, and would have a difficult time getting his arthritic hands around the throat of even one puppy. I guess what we’re trying to say here is that John McCain eats meat, and now he will eventually die.”
Ender’s Game author Orson Scott Card has identified the greatest threat ever to plague mankind, and you shall know it by its exceptional fashion sense and fondness for all things Judy Garland. From the Mormon Times, via laist.com:
The first and greatest threat from court decisions in California and Massachusetts, giving legal recognition to “gay marriage,” is that it marks the end of democracy in America.
So, you know, that’s it. Democracy: resistant to Nazis and Communists; totally fucked against Willow and Tara.
Fortunately, once you get through the volumes of obtuse, factually incorrect, and fucking insane prose, Orson’s got a solution:
How long before married people answer the dictators thus: Regardless of law, marriage has only one definition, and any government that attempts to change it is my mortal enemy. I will act to destroy that government and bring it down, so it can be replaced with a government that will respect and support marriage, and help me raise my children in a society where they will expect to marry in their turn.
That’s right. Orson Scott Card wants to overthrow the government because he’s a homophobic asshole. Oh wait…no he’s not:
How dangerous is this, politically? Please remember that for the mildest of comments critical of the political agenda of homosexual activists, I have been called a “homophobe” for years.
This is a term that was invented to describe people with a pathological fear of homosexuals — the kind of people who engage in acts of violence against gays. But the term was immediately extended to apply to anyone who opposed the homosexual activist agenda in any way.
So to be clear, acts of violence against gays: homophobic. Acts of violence against the government because you are scared shitless that they will somehow turn everyone you know into rampaging ass-rapers: totally not homophobic. Gotcha.
What is truly confounding to me is that a brilliant writer with such a vivid imagination and grasp on what makes different cultures unique and interesting, is also such a complete and utter ignoramous when it comes to understanding anything beyond the most narrow and fundamentalist interpretations of a very un-Christian doctrine. Pity.
I’m actually a little disappointed, having just re-opened my DAoC account a few months ago. I’m sure I could have gone another 3-4 months before losing interest again.
