Amber Night (rebooted)

Richard Garriot, that guy who made that game that everyone wanted to play the beta but not the actual game, is being shot into space because the faceless Deathlords of Blizzard Entertainment deem him an unworthy challenger.  They now turn their empty gazes to Paul Barnett and his game that is exactly like WoW only more Britishy and also better, but that’s another story.

The good news for Garriot is that he gets to bring stuff into outer space with him.  One of those things is apparently Stephen Colbert, because wtf.  But the other thing is what his “handlers” are telling him is an “Immortality Drive,” because, you know, Richard Garriot is batshit insane.  It’s actually just a 1.2Mb floppy disk, popular back in those Ultima Online days that you just can’t get him to shut up about because he’s like your grandpa ranting about all the fucking nips he capped in Korea and stuff.  Oh and there’s a contest where one lucky winner will get to put their katra on said disk, to be later shot onto the Genesis planet in a photon torpedo tube, cloned, and then eaten by Kirsty Alley.

Over the next two weeks, four lucky Tabula Rasa players will be selected to have their own DNA sequenced and recorded on the Tabula Rasa Immortality Drive, which will be stored on the International Space Station when Richard visits in October.

This contest is awesome because 4 Tabula Rasa players will win! Sign up now because it means your odds of winning is something like 47%!!!

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An engineer friend of mine was offered a job with an ISP in freaking Russia.  Quote of the day:

“You know, I was surprised to learn they have internet in post-communist Russia.  I think the way they do it is…you know those long bread lines?  I think in Russia you have to write your own packets using the blood and tears of the proletariat, and then ‘transmit’ them along the long bread lines, which are all sort of connected throughout Russia like a big network of misery and oppression.  So you just kinda stand in the bread line and pass packets back and forth.  Sometimes a packet is dropped, and the peasant responsible is shot in the head by the Ministry of Internet Protocol.  This is what we in the biz call a malformed header.”

I’m gonna miss him.

If you simultaneously LOVE teenage ninja heartthrob Jesus and HATE computer generated porn-in-only-the-vaguest-sense-of-the-word-possible as much as I do, Antispore.com is your home away from the bitter, vitriol-spewing trailer park that is ambernight.org.

I can’t figure out if it’s real or not, but one thing is for sure: Will Wright is hastening the end of days, ensuring my copy of Warhammer will still be fucking patching when Chosen Blogger Mark Jacobs gets raptured into heaven.

Insane antispore lady:

It seems Will has suddenly switched gears from evolution to creation and is trying to say that in 18 days, Spore users did what God did in 7.  So all of spore users add up to 38% of God.  Unbelievable.

38% is of course is the retail markup of the beast, so, you know, thanks a lot jackass Will Wright for ensuring our copy of Plagues & Pestulance is on its way by Overnight Horsemen haz apocalypse.

Paul Barnett (Warhammer design chieftain, who is also under the impression that MySpace is a valid blogging engine and that grainy film effects are wicked cool and totally not seizure-inducing) answers the question “how is WAR different from WoW?”  I answer the real question that’s on everybody’s mind: “how is WAR different from Sarah Palin?”

WAR: No item damage on death.
Sarah Palin: Complete destruction of the world on John McCain’s death.

WAR: No corpse running.
Sarah Palin: Corpse is a running-mate.

WAR: You can level in PvP.
Sarah Palin: Levels while secluded in Dick Cheney’s secret underground bunker.

WAR: If you kill someone in PvP you get loot.
Sarah Palin: If you kill someone in DNC, you can gut and field dress them in under an hour.

WAR: You can get into PvP right at the start PQ’s get round the problem of needing friends.
Sarah Palin: You can get into the second highest seat of government in the nation right at the start, with only a horny old war hero as a friend.

WAR: Your bag increases in capacity as you level and you can sort your bags via filters IN game.
Sarah Palin: Your baggage increases as you have more children. And grandchildren. And grandchildren who might be your children. And children who knocked up your child. Basically you are a vaginal clown car.

WAR: If you don’t want to PvP you still have a great PvE game.
Sarah Palin: If you don’t know a goddamned thing about foreign policy, the economy, social issues, Iraq, Afghanistan, or science, you can still be a great superbitch.

WAR: You can craft and its ace and if you like crafting its jolly, it has experimentation.
Sarah Palin: Does not speak British.

WAR: The Tome Of Knowledge is a great read and gives you a reason to explore.
Sarah Palin: The Bible is a great read and will become the new U.S. Constitution.

WAR: The open grouping system makes it easy as pie to find friends.
Sarah Palin: Ancient war hero running mate loves pie, especially when she does the airplane feeding thing.

WAR: Yes you can MOD the UI and yes you can customize the UI so all your cool toys will still be there in WAR.
Sarah Palin: Hawt hawt MILFy interface needs no customizing.

WAR: The maps in WAR show you where to go and where to hunt for each quest.
Sarah Palin: Doesn’t need a goddamned map to hunt, kill, and rip the still-beating heart out of her enemies—all while breast-feeding her adorable special needs hockey team.

Scott’s post on the Warhammer Europe early-access beta meltdown prompted a slew of discussion, but mostly I just want to say that the Scott Jennings naked pole-dancing video should be the new rick-roll meme.  Make is so.

- George Bush refuses to say John McCain was tortured because he’s been ordered not to haze the pledges.

- Fred Thompson is an inspiration to uzzzzzzzzzzzz…

- Democrats angry because Obama campaign hasn’t really attacked Palin.  To be fair, it’s hard to do anything when you’re laughing that hard.

- They will still be laughing when they lose the election.

- Levi Johnston will appear with the Palin family tonight, will throw the horns and explain how he “so tapped that shit.”

- That arena looks really empty.  I’ve never seen so few white people in one place.

- Tonight Sarah Palin will demonstrate her core Christian/Republican/Secessionist values by refusing to have an abortion–on stage LIVE!!!!

- My Magic 8-Ball says John McCain will make a surprise visit tonight, but nobody will notice.  Because zomg Sarah Palin is SO pretty!

- Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin.

Oh and also…

Thanks to reader Dave for this very obvious evidence that Sarah Palin is an image plagiarist:

You will be hearing from my lawyers, Mizz Palin. (slightly creepy that Dave has an image of me I haven’t had on this blog for months?  Sorta, yeah.)