Amber Night (rebooted)

Did you know Australia have discovered the printing press?   Thank you very much Persia for trading them Alphabet for–Aesthetics?!?!–are you kidding me? Why don’t you just give up right now?  Aesthetics. Pfff. So okay, crap, in addition to really big knives, Fosters, and Yahoo Serious, Australia has newspapers now also I guess. Which maybe is a short hop to Animal Husbandry? I dunno, I’d have to look it up.

Anyway, one such Queen’s Taux-Authouritiy-authourised Nouse Papere (digital even, crikey will nothing stop their counter-clockwise march to Space Flight?!?!!) reports that some down-under Christian group (fuck!!! they have Polytheism now, STOP IT BYZANTIUM JUST STOP IT!!!!!) are likening the video game industry to tobacco companies.

[Australian Christian Lobby (ACL)] Managing Director Jim Wallace said there is overwhelming evidence linking violent video games and aggression. Research also shows that violent computer games, because of their interactive nature, have a higher impact on their players than similar film content has on its viewers.

“At a time of strong public disquiet about depictions of violence in the media, the continued rejection of the R18+ rating for games would maintain the primacy of protecting vulnerable young people, as a principle in public policy above that of allowing people to read, hear and see whatever objectionable material they want,” the ACL stated in a submission to the Attorney-General’s Department opposing the introduction of an R18+ classification for computer games.

Zzzzzrnghhuh?? Oh right, so basically by “continued rejection of the R18+ rating for games,” what they really mean is “pouring millions of dollars into research and development efforts into distilling and enhancing the effects of a lethal carcinogen.”

Stupid Australian Christian Lobby, they make me SO MAD!!!

Oh. Except that while the headline screams “Gaming industry mirrors ‘big tobacco’ in denial of violent gaming effects,” and the writer begins the article with how game companies are using tactics “reminiscent of the tactics of tobacco companies,” the article never actually quotes Mr. Wallace as having used the tobacco industry analogy. Which means this really isn’t so much a news story as an editorial being passed off as news by one Glynis Quinlan, which I’m pretty sure is somebody’s EQ2 character or cosplay name or something because it would be a totally awesome name for a Bard.

Stupid 8th Level EQ2 Bard Glynis Quinlan. l2p.

Scott’s post on the Warhammer Europe early-access beta meltdown prompted a slew of discussion, but mostly I just want to say that the Scott Jennings naked pole-dancing video should be the new rick-roll meme.  Make is so.

A few years ago, due to a massive lapse in judgment, I actually bought The Matrix Online. You think I’m kidding, but I’m not kidding. I gave them my credit card number and everything. I didn’t actually start playing until the free trial ran out, so after about 2 weeks of playing on my own dime, I decided it was time to stop the madness. I went to the website to cancel my account, like you do, only to find there was no mechanism in place to cancel my account. It wasn’t even in the FAQ. Try to comprehend this. There is no way to cancel your account, and the game is hemorrhaging players faster than something that hemorrhages a lot in a short amount of time. How is this NOT a FAQ? How is this not an OPTION?!

I finally found a post in the forums—from a player, not a CS rep—that said the only way to close your account was to call their customer support line. And so I called customer support, and after waiting for (if memory serves) a goddamned ice age, I spoke to a really nice woman. We’ll call her Trinity. Upon hearing my request to close my account, Trinity robotically professed her disappointment that the game hadn’t lived up to my expectations, and she was authorized to give me a free month of play if I would stay. No? Are you sure? How about a Lexus? Still no? Okay, but before I close your account, I need to ask you these eleventy million fucking questions. And so because Trinity was my only hope to “unplug,” I answered her questions over the next (if memory serves) Pleistocene era. And finally the deed was done.

The take-away here was that Trinity really could have given a shit if I stayed or went. She got paid her state mandated minimum wage either way. She had a script, and she followed it to the letter, because the call was undoubtedly recorded for “quality assurance.” And although the game was so fantastically awful that I don’t think even my wild imagination can conceive of a scenario of return, any customer on the fence would have definitely been pushed out of the yard after running that hellish gauntlet.

Trinity and the people like her . The problem is that every single company in this industry has been running customer support the same exact way since day zero. You pay bottom dollar, and (with few exceptions) you get what you pay for. You give them retarded scripts they can’t deviate from, and you set them and their customers up for failure from the moment they answer the next caller in the queue. You don’t let the customer service rep interact with your customer, you let the process (created by people who do not, in fact, interact with customers) interact with your customer.

All of which is a long winded prologue to my main point: If you are one of the people responsible for perpetuating this eldrich cycle, you need to go read this:

Zappos has also mastered the art of telephone service—a black hole for most Internet retailers. Zappos publishes its 1-800 number on every single page of the site—and its smart and entertaining call-center employees are free to do whatever it takes to make you happy. There are no scripts, no time limits on calls, no robotic behavior, and plenty of legendary stories about Zappos and its customers.

…

So when Zappos hires new employees, it provides a four-week training period that immerses them in the company’s strategy, culture, and obsession with customers. People get paid their full salary during this period.

After a week or so in this immersive experience, though, it’s time for what Zappos calls “The Offer.” The fast-growing company, which works hard to recruit people to join, says to its newest employees: “If you quit today, we will pay you for the amount of time you’ve worked, plus we will offer you a $1,000 bonus.” Zappos actually bribes its new employees to quit!

Why? Because if you’re willing to take the company up on the offer, you obviously don’t have the sense of commitment they are looking for.

So who are Zappos anyway? Are they some cool technology startup that’s going to revolutionize search engine techology or widgets for your iPhone that let you not only check the weather but control it? No. They sell shoes. They sell shoes for fuck’s sake. Shoes! On the internet. And they are raking in a billion dollars a year.

So think about this the next time you start lamenting the churn rate in your CS “pit.” (Amber’s tip ‘o the day: If you have a customer support “pit,” ur doin it wrong.”) The same goes for community support people. They work hard for you, and you know they’re clawing at your door just to get a foot in, so you you know you you could get them to pay you if it were legal. Which is why many of them stick around just long enough to say they worked for your prestigious ass, and then they go and get jobs in the real world.

And if you’re going to tell me “it just won’t translate to our industry,” then I call bullshit. Because the way you’re doing it now doesn’t translate to your industry. If you can’t make the numbers work after trying to make the numbers work, then fine. But a shoe company figured out a creative solution to their customer service issues. Certainly a company that makes worlds can do better.

From an otherwise interesting story on Gawker (who are the boss of Kotaku) :

Gawker Media’s gaming site Kotaku, says editor Brian Crecente, goes out of its way to stop boy’s-club coverage. Both sites have enjoyed years of rising traffic.

(emphasis mine.)

O RLY?

The above NSFW link (hint: it has boobs) brought to you by Mr. Crecente, two weeks after the Gawker story was published.

Update: Pensive Harpy has a little to say about it too.

Game industry giants Activision and Vivendi recently merged. We asked the gamer community: What’s in it for you?

Homer Braithwaite, Misdemeanor Bounty Hunter “Look, Blizzard had plenty of opportunity to nerf Warriors. Clearly something had to be done. I for one welcome our new Activision overlords.”	Kiko, Scantilly-clad Student Activist “Finally Blizzard will be large enough to sue EA/Mythic for stealing their Warhammer idea!”
Mr. Winky, Unseelie Lord of the Couch “Wait. I’m confused. How is this Sony’s fault again?”	Jefferson Armstrong, Automotive Pornographer “If they think they can steal my ‘Tony Hawk Ultimate Call of Murloc Hero Challenge’ idea, all I have to say is I’ve got lawyers and they will be in touch, Mr. Kotick.”

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I guess I’m important spam-worthy enough to be on somebody’s press release list. From an email I just received from WOLFKING:

“Female gamers have an incredibly high set of standards when it comes to quality as well as design,” said Bob Costlow, director of sales, WOLFKING. “You can’t just paint something pink and say it’s for girls.

Which brings us to The Girl Gamer Warrior:

The Girl Gamer WARRIOR (MSRP: $34.99) features the same 54-key circular layout and USB 2.0 plug-and-play capability as the original WARRIOR, but now features a Flamingo Pink accent gradient on top of a full stealth black matte finish, with polished deep black audio keys. It offers all the functionality of the WARRIOR, but with a feminine touch.

And The Girl Gamer Trooper:

The Girl Gamer Gear TROOPER (MSRP: $39.99) also features the Flamingo Pink accent over a 6.4 megapixels-per-second laser mouse with a dpi range of 800-2200. The sense of style doesn’t compromise the high-end gaming mouse functionality gamers expect from the TROOPER.

To summarize:

Pink = Condescending.
Flamingo Pink = Total gamer grrl market dominance FTW!

Press release in its entirety is not currently up on the WOLFKING (lol caps) news page, but probably will be soon.

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Last week, industry “shock jock” Richard Bartle declared he is only a job application away from “clos[ing] World of Warcraft [because he HATE HATE HATES World of Warcraft and everything it stands for!]“ Bartle, who was totally serious about shutting down the most successful video game of all time, is also rumored to be working in seclusion on a death ray at his secret skull-shaped island somewhere outside of Kent.

Predictably, the community was outraged¹. It should come as no surprise really. Dr. Bartle (who is still alive) has a storied history of stirring up controversy wherever he goes. The crack Amber Night Megalomedia staff spent the weekend uncovering some of the more inflammatory quotes made by Dr. Richard Bartle over the years, and it’s worse than you thought.

Richard Bartle, Undergraduate slacker, Essex University, November 1980 “I really only started writing games because of the ho’s. Since I wrote MUD, bitches be comin’ up to my crib all hours of the day and night. See, I’m not just a designer. I’m also a playa.”	Dr. Richard Bartle, Postgraduate slacker, April 1995 “This Warcraft game is a smashing good time, but if they ever turn it into an MMO I will unleash my hell fury. I bloody well shit you not.”
Dr. Richard Bartle, Ivory Towered Game Designer, September 2000 “Fantasy games are simply an extension of our own cultural realities. For example, Elves and humans represent white people, whereas orcs and women represent blacks.”	Dr. Richard Bartle, Contributing Editor, Tera Nova, June 2006 “It is a sad fact of human evolution that due to limited cranial capacity and poor linguistic skills, Australians are incapable of leading large raids. I guess what I’m really saying is that Australians are bloody stupid.”

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¹ About the shutting down WoW. Gamers are totally down with death rays.

The Vancouver Police are setting up shop in Second Life, complete with sexy black uniforms and utility belts. We ask the gamer community: is the low crime rate in Canada creating bored cops or what?

William Shatner, Beta Tester, Vice City Jaywalker: Vancouver “Once the citizens of Second Life adjust to living under the iron grip of Canadian law, we will be one step closer to total world domination. Of course we wouldn’t actually do it. That would be impolite.”	Neil Young, Game Designer, Sid Meier’s National Health Care Tycoon “It’s aboot time people started taking Canadian law enforcement seriously.”
Brittany Johnson, Student, University of Colorado “‘Aboot.’ Hahaha! Say ‘aluminum.’ Say it!”	Mike Myers, Lumberjack, self-described ‘OK’ “You laugh now, Polly, but we’ll see who’s laughing when someone ties you to a virtual train track!”

(Via mmodig and Broken Toys.)

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The latest iteration of what exactly makes a virtual world is making its way across the blogosphere. We asked the community: What’s the difference between a game and a virtual world?

Wang Wei, CFO, IGE “The subject is a complex intersection of academic concepts and business world realities. It could literally fill volumes. And by volumes, I mean of cash in my bank account. Buy more gold, bitches!”	That guy in the middle cubicle, Computer Programmer “It’s all very technical. In virtual worlds, we de-reference all the pointers. In a game we…well shit I just got laid off.”
Danny Glover, Blogger, MoreDOTsMoreDOTs.com “I smell a meme!”	Mr. Tinkles, Game Designer “I’m in ur virtual world nerfing ur Paladins!”

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Matt Penfield would like you to take a few moments to help him with a survey:

“This survey is part of a market analysis project focusing on digital distribution. The question I’m interested in answering is “Given supporting evidence from adjacent entertainment industries that both demand and infrastructure exist to support digital downloads, why is adoption so low in the game software segment?” If anyone has any questions/insight about the survey or the project, please email me at mpenfield <at> ucsd <dot> edu. As a special bonus, I’ll be drawing a name at random from the survey respondents to award some factory sealed PSP games. If you’ve got a PSP (or know someone who does) be sure to enter your name and mailing address on the last page of the survey.”

The survey is here. (Disclaimer: I’m not affiliated, just passing it on as a favor. It’s not my fault if the PSP game turns out to be Hello Kitty Island Adventures: The Collectible Electronic Card Game. Which, come to think of it, would be pretty cool. It’ll probably be something less cool like Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops. Or not. I’m just sayin’.)