Do not go towards the light Jesus! DO NOT–oh too late
June 15th, 2010 Posted in Rampaging Stupidity, Religion | 14 Comments »
Oh hey guess what, that behemoth kitschy statue that I only just recently heard of, “Touchdown Jesus”, outlived Gary Coleman, but not by much.
Hey here’s a pop quiz. Let’s say you’re going to make a giant statue with two very large pointy protrusions sticking 62 feet up in the air. What are you going to construct it out of?
The statue was constructed of wood and styrofoam over a steel framework that was anchored in concrete and covered with a fiberglass mat and resin exterior, according to the church.
Ah. So basically you’re going to make the most highly flammable lightning rod in the whole Western fucking hemisphere. I see. So what, a couple hundred 50-gallon drums of jet fuel stuffed up inside his head just a little too over the top for ya?
Anyway, I learned about this by reading one of my newest favorite blogs, Blag Hag. And like “Blag Hag” (if that really is her name!) I wondered what the spin would be on this one. You know, Katrina happened because God hates teh gheys, earthquakes happened because God hates boobies, the flood happened because God hates unicorns, that kind of thing. And one of her readers did not disappoint!
wow.. so many different views.. but I keep thinking, that once again God has sent Jesus to protect us. I live only a few miles from Solid Rock Church. There are also all kinds of hotels, and hospitals surrounding the area. Jesus took the beating so his people wouldn’t have to…. once again. Praise God.
Which, if true, means that God is an asshole to the nth degree. As I understand, God was gonna hit a hospital or a hotel with lightning because that’s how the fuck God rolls. But not so fast GOD!! Touchdown Jesus INTERCEPTS the lightning bolt, he’s at the 40, he’s at the 30, HE’S AT THE 20, HE’S AT THE 10, TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!! OMG HE’S ON FIRE!!!! JESUS CHRIST–LITERALLY!!!–IS ON FIRE OMG OMG OMG!!!!! That’s right folks, thanks to the good folks at whatever the hell that church was that spent $500,000 on a stupid fucking fiberglass, styrafoam, and resin lightning rod instead of, you know, maybe feeding starving circus clowns or something, God the all powerful was denied the opportunity to kill sick or traveling people. Thank you Smoldering Jesus. Tell your dad he’s a dick when you get back up to heaven.






