Amber Night (rebooted)

Oh hey guess what, that behemoth kitschy statue that I only just recently heard of, “Touchdown Jesus”, outlived Gary Coleman, but not by much.

Hey here’s a pop quiz. Let’s say you’re going to make a giant statue with two very large pointy protrusions sticking 62 feet up in the air. What are you going to construct it out of?

The statue was constructed of wood and styrofoam over a steel framework that was anchored in concrete and covered with a fiberglass mat and resin exterior, according to the church.

Ah. So basically you’re going to make the most highly flammable lightning rod in the whole Western fucking hemisphere. I see. So what, a couple hundred 50-gallon drums of jet fuel stuffed up inside his head just a little too over the top for ya?

Anyway, I learned about this by reading one of my newest favorite blogs, Blag Hag. And like “Blag Hag” (if that really is her name!) I wondered what the spin would be on this one. You know, Katrina happened because God hates teh gheys, earthquakes happened because God hates boobies, the flood happened because God hates unicorns, that kind of thing. And one of her readers did not disappoint!

wow.. so many different views.. but I keep thinking, that once again God has sent Jesus to protect us. I live only a few miles from Solid Rock Church. There are also all kinds of hotels, and hospitals surrounding the area. Jesus took the beating so his people wouldn’t have to…. once again. Praise God.

Which, if true, means that God is an asshole to the nth degree. As I understand, God was gonna hit a hospital or a hotel with lightning because that’s how the fuck God rolls. But not so fast GOD!! Touchdown Jesus INTERCEPTS the lightning bolt, he’s at the 40, he’s at the 30, HE’S AT THE 20, HE’S AT THE 10, TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!! OMG HE’S ON FIRE!!!! JESUS CHRIST–LITERALLY!!!–IS ON FIRE OMG OMG OMG!!!!! That’s right folks, thanks to the good folks at whatever the hell that church was that spent $500,000 on a stupid fucking fiberglass, styrafoam, and resin lightning rod instead of, you know, maybe feeding starving circus clowns or something, God the all powerful was denied the opportunity to kill sick or traveling people. Thank you Smoldering Jesus. Tell your dad he’s a dick when you get back up to heaven.

Remember Constance McMillen? She’s the Mississippi high school senior who was banned from her school’s prom because she is gay. And when the school was forced to let her attend, her fellow classmates (aided by parents of her classmates) sent her to a fake prom, along with 2 disabled students because hell why not.

Well now it gets interesting.

The Westboro Baptist Church–these are the “God Hates Fags” trolls who do stupid shit like protest the funerals of soldiers–will protest her high school graduation.

Ok, that’s not the interesting part. It would be interesting if the “God Hates Fags” assholes DIDN’T plan to make fools of themselves by picketing a high school graduation. It’s only droll to see idiots doing idiotic things.

The interesting part will be this: how will Constance’s classmates handle the protest? It’s one thing to hate through exclusion and petty bullshit Facebook games, but it is another to stand side-by-side with slathering hatemongers for all the world to see. Will they simply stand quietly in their shame, unable to quite bring their hate to its natural conclusion? Or will they embrace their Westboro brothers and sisters in arms, happily reveling in a kindred orgy of hate and slavish ignorance?

I’m guessing the former. Hate is all fine and dandy until it stares you in the face waving picket signs and uttering spittle-laced profanities that even the depth of your own imagination hasn’t ever managed to plumb. I like to think this will be a true moment of reckoning for at least some of Constance’s classmates, and that they will look into that abyss, the abyss will look back at them, and they will think to themselves “fuck you abyss, just fuck you.” I like to think that, but honestly I think it’ll just be a day of awkward discomfort followed by a lifetime of the same old justifications to be evil and ignorant.

Back when Lord British forgot where he parked his moon buggy and it turned out it was on the goddamned moon, I was pretty darned happy to know I wasn’t the only person who’d ever been that blond in a parking garage.  But you know how when you park at, say, Dillards and because of the very fact that your car is sitting on some planet–any planet really–you are entitled to claim said planet as your own because you are so goddamned unhinged that revolving doors go “damn, that dude’s unhinged”? Well SAME THING!

Richard Garriott who is more famous as his ulta-ego Lord British, splashed out some cash and bought a Russian luna rover.

Garriott purchased the former Soviet Union’s Luna 21 lander and the Lunokhod 2 rover for $68,000 at a Sotheby’s space auction in 1993.

Now he is trying to work out determine if owning these devices on the moon entitles him to ownership of the property it rests on.

See losers, this is why Richard Garriott is rich and you are not. Whereas mere mortals like you and I would be satisfied with owning some piece of Russian space shit on the moon, Lord British will just take his moon Lada AND the whole fucking moon AND your kidneys if you really want something to whine about maybe next time when I tell you to play Tabula Rasa you will the hell do it now won’t you yeah that’s what I thought.

What other kinds of crazy shit will Richard Garriott do with his newly acquired moon property?

He told Space.com that he’s willing to allow future space travellers to pay a parking fee on his property.

Hear that NASA?  You’ve got about 30 days to get your Apollo crap off Planet Garriott, or crazy “ol’ man Garriott” is going to shoot you with his space Uzi.

In the immortal words of Cleveland Brown, “that’s just nasty.”

A Kentucky woman was charged with assault after she allegedly squirted breast milk into the face of a deputy, sparking online debate Sunday in the local media.

Toni Tramel, 31, was arrested Thursday for public intoxication in Owensboro, WYMT-TV reported, but it is what she did next which has attracted headlines.

As Tramel changed into an inmate uniform, she squirted a stream of breast into the face of the female deputy watching over her.

A press release from the Daviess County, Kentucky, Detention Center, said that after the deputy decontaminated herself from the “bio-hazard”, Tramel was charged with third degree assault.

Wake up sheeple!!!!! This is stem cell therapy under Obamacare!!!!

Socialist Nigerian kidney thief spammer so-called “President” (as IF!) Barrack “Obama”¹ is apparently very healthy, which is a very dickish thing for him to do because he is also “growing orchards” (this is stoner code for “marijuana,” try to keep up old people!) right there in America’s oval office which he then “tokes on” while perching his dirty hippy feet up on America’s first desk as if he were the dirty hippy king of the desk world or something sheesh!

Which has what to do with gaming you ask?  Fuck all, really.  I’m just trying to avoid playing Star Trek Online.  I mean, it’s fun.  I guess.  I’m just not really experiencing the wonder around every corner like I did in LoTRO, the WAAAAAAGGH (sp?) in Warhammer, the wow² in WOW,  the massive nipple overload in Age of Conan (everything has nipples–the swords have nipples!!! THE GODDAMN SWORDS HAVE NIPPLES!!), or the complete bewilderment at how anybody thought this was a good idea in The Matrix Online.  I am, in fact, completely apathetic towards this game.  I honestly can’t pick out a single thing I don’t like, and maybe it gets better, but…meh.

Oh and also this:

Melissa Morris didn’t realize the graphic nature of her son’s new video game, “Dante’s Inferno.”

“I didn’t know anything about it, he said he wanted it, so I got it.”

Because, you know, what little Yale (seriously, his name is Yale) wants, little Yale gets, and then mom and little Yale (SERIOUSLY THAT IS THE FUCK HIS NAME!) get to express outrage and horror to some Channel 42 bimb…her name is Shanisty Myers? Seriously? Okay then, little Yale and his mom–let’s just call her Incontoneta Asspickenowski–express horror and outrage at their purchase of a game about hell and blood and violance, to Channel 42 wunder-journalist Shanisty Myers, because it contains graphical depictions of hell and blood and violence.

Anyway, nothing…NOTHING AT ALL…would have tipped this woman off to the fact that there might have been a wee bit o mature content. Oh, except maybe…

…the big ‘ol “18″ right there in big red letters, or the fact that it takes place in hell (read a book lady!) or even the fact that there’s A BIG BADASS WITH A BIG FUCKING SCYTHE WHICH HAS A HANDLE MADE OUT OF VERTEBRAE!!!?!?!

I dunno…too subtle? Maybe the Dante’s Inferno aisle at Best Buy should have been surrounded by a moat of boiling blood and guarded by syphilitic Harpy beasts armed with big-ass vertebrae scythes or swords with nipples or something.

Learned lesson says mom:

“Parents need to read the back of the package especially if they are buying for anyone under 17.”

D’ya think?

Maybe she should go out and buy Star Trek Online for her son. It has tribbles!

§

¹Who is conveniently using a fake birth certificate and military ID, supplied of course by high school dropout and 7-11 loiterer Joe “Cheech” Biden, the stoner who also supplies all the 3.2% beer for Obama’s every-morning quote “Beer Summit” unquote.

²As in, “wow! I cannot believe THIS is the most popular MMO in the universe.

Good times. For Satan.

From Game Politics:

The Boston Herald, citing a source, claims that suspected shooter Amy Bishop was a fan of Dungeons & Dragons and actually met her husband at Northeastern University through an on-campus D&D club. The source told the paper that “They [Bishop and her husband] even acted this crap out.”

Bishop’s husband, James Anderson, described the pair’s immersion in D&D as a “passing interest.” He added, “It was a social thing more than anything else. It’s not the crazy group people think they are.”

You people with your Monster Manuals and your dee-twinnys and pewter crystal-ball holding dragons. Oh yeah, oh sure, it’s all just cosplay and Quidditch or whatever the hell you’re doing down there, but then when Glenn Beck REALLY FUCKING APPEARS after you said “Bloody Mary” for the 13th time, what then Mister “Don’t worry I’m immune to feaaaaaaaagh!!!!!” ? You think you can contain him in your little pentagram drawn from the dust of Dollar Store Cheetos-style-food-product, but you CANNOT! Next up, you’re walking into a Build-a-Bear with an AK-47 in one hand, and a copy of “GURPS Mall Massacre Sourcebook” in the other, and you simply cannot distinguish cutesy-wutsey widdle “Bearemy” bear from a rampaging, slavering Owlbear because Gary Gygax has wrapped his Centaurian-slug-like tail around your cerebral cortex, and then oh god there will be stuffing. Lots and lots of stuffing.

Which may not be news to you, but it was to me.

Ender’s Game author Orson Scott Card has identified the greatest threat ever to plague mankind, and you shall know it by its exceptional fashion sense and fondness for all things Judy Garland. From the Mormon Times, via laist.com:

The first and greatest threat from court decisions in California and Massachusetts, giving legal recognition to “gay marriage,” is that it marks the end of democracy in America.

So, you know, that’s it.  Democracy: resistant to Nazis and Communists; totally fucked against Willow and Tara.

Fortunately, once you get through the volumes of obtuse, factually incorrect, and fucking insane prose, Orson’s got a solution:

How long before married people answer the dictators thus: Regardless of law, marriage has only one definition, and any government that attempts to change it is my mortal enemy. I will act to destroy that government and bring it down, so it can be replaced with a government that will respect and support marriage, and help me raise my children in a society where they will expect to marry in their turn.

That’s right.  Orson Scott Card wants to overthrow the government because he’s a homophobic asshole.  Oh wait…no he’s not:

How dangerous is this, politically? Please remember that for the mildest of comments critical of the political agenda of homosexual activists, I have been called a “homophobe” for years.

This is a term that was invented to describe people with a pathological fear of homosexuals — the kind of people who engage in acts of violence against gays. But the term was immediately extended to apply to anyone who opposed the homosexual activist agenda in any way.

So to be clear, acts of violence against gays: homophobic.  Acts of violence against the government because you are scared shitless that they will somehow turn everyone you know into rampaging ass-rapers: totally not homophobic.  Gotcha.

What is truly confounding to me is that a brilliant writer with such a vivid imagination and grasp on what makes different cultures unique and interesting, is also such a complete and utter ignoramous when it comes to understanding anything beyond the most narrow and fundamentalist interpretations of a very un-Christian doctrine.  Pity.

The short version: PZ Myers, Biologist and angry Atheist, gets angry.  Why?  Because a student who steals a communion wafer gets death threats from angry Catholics.  Student presumably shits pants and returns wafer, prompting Myers to pick up the torch, upping the ante by offering to desecrate a wafer, or—we can only hope—build a 50 foot tall rampaging Jesus Golem.

Much hillarity ensues.

Much more hillarity ensues.

Terrorist threat level in The Matrix increased to “Whoa.”

Inevitable death threats ensue.

Inept asshat uses wife’s work account to send death threat.  Asshat’s wife (who’s all like “wait, wut?”) is promptly fired.  Angry Asshat blames everyone except himself.

Baby Jesus weeps and makes a poopie.

Scene.

To really and truly appreciate the “Society for the Preservation of 1990′s era Geocities” madness that inspired this electric boogaloo, you simply must visit. But have your speakers down low before you get there.

I did not, as instructed, click on the “Listen Hi.” Just sayin’, if you do, you’re on your own there.

Still, it does reaffirm my faith that even if John McCain were this very moment to tearfully reveal to Larry King his decades-long battle with Coprophagia, the Democratic Party (the membership, if not the actual cabal in charge) still has the cognitive dissonance to turn this election from mere cake walk to Sisyphean nightmare.

Starbucks new (retro, actually) logo is offensive:

The new retro logo at Starbucks is stirring controversy. The logo shows a mermaid with partially-covered breasts.

A Christian group based in San Diego called The Resistance says the logo looks like a naked woman with her legs spread like a prostitute.

(Caution: NSFW image follows!)

The Resistance, whose women presumably do not spread their scaly fish legs during coitus, is calling for a national boycott of Starbucks.

From the “The Resistance” press release:

“The Starbucks logo has a naked woman on it with her legs spread like a prostitute,” explains Mark Dice, founder of the group. “Need I say more? It’s extremely poor taste, and the company might as well call themselves, Slutbucks.

Haha, “Slutbucks.” It’s funny because it replaces one “S” word with a different but syntactically awkward “S” word. I personally would have gone with “Jezzebucks,” but that’s probably why you don’t see the Christian Right asking me to write their copy. (But I totally would! Call me!)

Bonus feature: If you just can’t get enough of “The Resistance,” be sure to check out their forums, where you can “stay Current on the DoD Hunter-Killer Robotic Soldiers” and learn the “locations of secret Concentration Camps in America.” You can also watch the “Mark Dice Demo Reel,” if you’d like to get an idea of what Jesus would do…if, you know, He were a douche.