Amber Night (rebooted)

Hey, apparently Joe Biden, the VP grandpa who can’t ever say ANYTHING without being insane, just said some insane thing to President Obama right before he signed the health care bill into law. “Fuck this deal” is what he said!!! Because Joe Biden just realized there is this whole health care thing that nobody told him about!

Okay, actually he said “This is a big fucking deal,” but come on you KNOW he meant “fuck this deal,” because the stuff that comes out of Joe Biden’s mouth is NEVER in the right order!

Listen to it yourself, about 10 seconds in:

Next up: Joe Biden will exercise his Vice-Presidential veto, but he will say it inappropriately and health care will become law anyway. You heard it here first.

The People’s Democratic Party of Huffingtonia have decided they will vote to open the seventh seal of Dante’s Inferno on Sunday, basically cramming socialized eternal hell poop down the throats of all Americans.

This makes Glen Beck goddamit he’s crying a-fucking-gain, isn’t he? *sigh* cry AGAIN because he loves America and Jesus and white people so much blah blah blah…

But this time they’ve gone too far, and Mr. Beck considers this day of voting an “affront to God,” for voting while Jesus isn’t looking.

I think that it is absolutely appropriate that these people are trying to put the nail in the coffin on our country on a Sunday,” he added, “something our founders would have never, ever, ever done. Out of respect for God.”

Damn you Nancy Pelosi, YOU KNOW SUNDAY IS THE ONLY DAY JESUS GETS TO SLEEP IN!!!! He works hard for the money, why you gotta not treat Him right?

Oh hey look at the end of the article! The Republicans voted on Palm Sunday to keep the corpse of Terry Schiavo in a bacta tank, but this doesn’t count because DID YOU FUCKING SEE GLEN BECK CRYING NO YOU DID NOT SO STFU!!!!

Don’t get me wrong. This Irish Day thing is pretty cool; it gives me the annual opportunity to wear the one green jacket I own and be able to explain away my extraordinarily bad taste in clothing at the same time. But it’s too bad we don’t celebrate Mel Gibson Scotland Day or whatever it would be called, because something happened recently in Scotland that in hindsight I would have thought was a national sport. Pretty much right up there with caber tossing or socialized medicine cosplay sheep tickling or whatever. Anyway, some dude tried to hit a lady cop with his penis.

He missed. Which is good. But sadly Mr. Varinauskas has decided to “quit binge drinking because of the incident.” Which I take to mean that he’ll just stay permanently shit-faced because too much crazy stuff goes on while you’re working your way up through the various stages of drunkenness anyway.

Hey! It’s that previously-thought-dead angry little king of Frogmorton in some undated photographs, proving conclusively that at one point he was alive, and hell, might still be for all you know? Sure why not. Anyway, your crack Amber Night Megalomedia staff of staffers have obtained exclusive photos of quantum zombie Kim Jong Il, and now we’re going to make fun of him because this is America and why the hell not?

Read the rest of this entry »

Hey you remember the South Carolina don’t you? It’s the one with the crazy hiking Governor guy who went hiking all the way to Argentina to have illicit sex with a woman if you know what I mean and I think that you do. Well South Carolina circa 1950 are also pretty much the most awesomely devious bastards ever!

Since 1951, South Carolina has had a law on its books requiring anyone looking to overthrow the government to, well, register with the government.

So here’s how it works. You’re all like “After a fine Hardee’s lunch today, I think I will overthrow the U.S. government, and then maybe a Starbucks?” So to do that middle thing you get on your moped giant evil Roomba and head down to whichever shanty it is that South Carolina runs its government from, and then you just apply to overthrow the whole mothafuckin guvmit! [pdf created in DOS text editor warning!] And right about the time you’re stealing the pen from the nice lady behind the counter (because you are EVIL!) South Carolina Attorney General Joseph McCarthy is there to throw you in irons or Fonzie or whatever they had in 1951. IT’S GENIUS!!!!!

Oh, except that state Senator and total buzzkill Larry Martin who is a terrorist-loving terrorist buzzkill is going to ruin it for everybody:

“I readily recognize when it had been passed and what the purpose of it was back in the 1950s,” [Martin] said. “But I don’t think Osama bin Laden is going to register. It’s outlived its usefulness.”

Yeah well you don’t know that for sure now, do you Mr. ooh-lookit-me-I’m-a-state-senator-AND-a-gypsy-fortune-teller!? Like, maybe he’d get a power of attorney and have his, I dunno, girlfriend register for him? Point is, WHO KNOWS?! (haha it wouldn’t be his girlfriend though because he would kill her for literacy!)

Anyway, thanks South Carolina for probably getting rid of your most awesome thing ever besides dumb hiking governors and the fact that your official state dance is “the shag.”

Well now evil corporate villain “E*Trade” (IF THAT REALLY IS HIS NAME!!!) is DAMAGING THE LINDSAY LOHAN BRAND and is all like “thanks for inventing that word ‘Lindsay Lohan,’ Lindsay Lohan, now we’re going to make a DNA-replica clone baby and take over the world, thanks for inventing a cool name for it, don’t mind if we do!!!”

Lindsay Lohan wants $100 million from E*TRADE — because she believes their “milkaholic” baby featured in their Super Bowl commercial was modeled after her … and as far as Lindsay’s concerned, the smoking gun is all in the name.
…
The commercial features a baby named Lindsay — who in the spot, is accused of being the “other woman” in a baby love triangle.
…
Lohan’s lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, tells TMZ it doesn’t matter that the commercial doesn’t mention the name Lohan, adding, “Do you know the name Oprah? Do you know the name Madonna? Same thing.”

SAME THING!!! Do you hear that Charlie the Tuna? Charlie sheen is going to eat your lunch! (haha, seriously, Charlie Sheen luvs him some tuna melt!)

In the immortal words of Cleveland Brown, “that’s just nasty.”

A Kentucky woman was charged with assault after she allegedly squirted breast milk into the face of a deputy, sparking online debate Sunday in the local media.

Toni Tramel, 31, was arrested Thursday for public intoxication in Owensboro, WYMT-TV reported, but it is what she did next which has attracted headlines.

As Tramel changed into an inmate uniform, she squirted a stream of breast into the face of the female deputy watching over her.

A press release from the Daviess County, Kentucky, Detention Center, said that after the deputy decontaminated herself from the “bio-hazard”, Tramel was charged with third degree assault.

Wake up sheeple!!!!! This is stem cell therapy under Obamacare!!!!

They’re fixed now. i can haz viagras spam nao?

In my metioric rise to the top of Technorati’s “Personal Development” blogs, here are just some of the blogs I left in the dust:

- Healthy Living Tips, Nutrition And Healthy Living Guide
- Diary of a Martial Artist
- HealthMoneySuccess dot com
- Pajama Professional
- ZenChill Power Tools Blog
- The Confidence Guy
- The Happy Burro

Amber’s self-help book, “How Vomit-caked is your parachute?” is on sale now at Amazon.

Socialist Nigerian kidney thief spammer so-called “President” (as IF!) Barrack “Obama”¹ is apparently very healthy, which is a very dickish thing for him to do because he is also “growing orchards” (this is stoner code for “marijuana,” try to keep up old people!) right there in America’s oval office which he then “tokes on” while perching his dirty hippy feet up on America’s first desk as if he were the dirty hippy king of the desk world or something sheesh!

Which has what to do with gaming you ask?  Fuck all, really.  I’m just trying to avoid playing Star Trek Online.  I mean, it’s fun.  I guess.  I’m just not really experiencing the wonder around every corner like I did in LoTRO, the WAAAAAAGGH (sp?) in Warhammer, the wow² in WOW,  the massive nipple overload in Age of Conan (everything has nipples–the swords have nipples!!! THE GODDAMN SWORDS HAVE NIPPLES!!), or the complete bewilderment at how anybody thought this was a good idea in The Matrix Online.  I am, in fact, completely apathetic towards this game.  I honestly can’t pick out a single thing I don’t like, and maybe it gets better, but…meh.

Oh and also this:

Melissa Morris didn’t realize the graphic nature of her son’s new video game, “Dante’s Inferno.”

“I didn’t know anything about it, he said he wanted it, so I got it.”

Because, you know, what little Yale (seriously, his name is Yale) wants, little Yale gets, and then mom and little Yale (SERIOUSLY THAT IS THE FUCK HIS NAME!) get to express outrage and horror to some Channel 42 bimb…her name is Shanisty Myers? Seriously? Okay then, little Yale and his mom–let’s just call her Incontoneta Asspickenowski–express horror and outrage at their purchase of a game about hell and blood and violance, to Channel 42 wunder-journalist Shanisty Myers, because it contains graphical depictions of hell and blood and violence.

Anyway, nothing…NOTHING AT ALL…would have tipped this woman off to the fact that there might have been a wee bit o mature content. Oh, except maybe…

…the big ‘ol “18″ right there in big red letters, or the fact that it takes place in hell (read a book lady!) or even the fact that there’s A BIG BADASS WITH A BIG FUCKING SCYTHE WHICH HAS A HANDLE MADE OUT OF VERTEBRAE!!!?!?!

I dunno…too subtle? Maybe the Dante’s Inferno aisle at Best Buy should have been surrounded by a moat of boiling blood and guarded by syphilitic Harpy beasts armed with big-ass vertebrae scythes or swords with nipples or something.

Learned lesson says mom:

“Parents need to read the back of the package especially if they are buying for anyone under 17.”

D’ya think?

Maybe she should go out and buy Star Trek Online for her son. It has tribbles!

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¹Who is conveniently using a fake birth certificate and military ID, supplied of course by high school dropout and 7-11 loiterer Joe “Cheech” Biden, the stoner who also supplies all the 3.2% beer for Obama’s every-morning quote “Beer Summit” unquote.

²As in, “wow! I cannot believe THIS is the most popular MMO in the universe.